Monday, April 18, 2011

So Far, This Monday


I'd wear Monday on a Saturday, would you?

My day has been thrown off a bit. I got to sleep in a little (which was nice, I've been exhausted recently. Running on empty but still running.) because I had an appointment this morning at 9AM. So, I laid around in bed, reading my book till around 7:30AM and started getting ready for work. I got out of my PJ's just after 8AM- when I actually should be at work.

I always feel a little naughty being at home on a week day (sick or not sick) past 8AM and that naughty exciting feeling starts to dissipate around 3PM when I know people start to filter out of their offices and head home. It's completely gone by 5PM.

So because I had an appointment this morning I didn't get to work till 10AM and dove right into my projects. By lunch, I was done. Not really done with the stuff I needed to do but my attention went else where.

*sigh

Part of my thinks it's my job. It needs different things from me and I need different things from it and I don't think either of us are suited for each other. I keep trying, and trying and trying and trying and some parts of it are getting better because I understand more what is needed from me. But there is this one side that just isn't what I need. I'm bored with it, and really... it's not me. I'm a people person (no matter how much I try to resist that label because I don't like having to always deal with people; always be on for them) and I am not an accountant. Yes, I like to manipulate money and make it work for me. I like the challenge of make it multiply and I'm good at making it small but damn, this is somebody elses money and I'm just not interested. My brain does not get it. I'm a problem solver and for the first time I just can't seem to solve this because I am just so lost in my resources. UGH! and my supervisor is swamped. She's like a Mum, getting pulled in every direction by everyone. I don't want to do that to her. I've done it enough...

Why can't I get this?

So, I'm going to keep trying... at least till the day is done. But, it temps me a bit... my mind starts to wander a little. I start to dream of another direct and the idea that I could do anything tempts me again. I'm just so distracted, my focus is usually really good when it comes to work. And I love my work, always... true. I might not always like it but I always love it. Sometimes though, love isn't always enough and sometimes not having a reason to go isn't a good enough reason not to go.

I'm not going to up and leave, that's just not my style. When it comes to making big decisions like this I need to take the time to really be honest with myself. I mean really, it's just one little project that I don't like. I'll get better at it. At the end of this year I'll be 5 years at this company, I usually take a chance to look at where I am and where I want to go and be honest with myself about if I'm actually going to get there by staying where I am. The one thing I don't like to do (even though, it can feel comfortable at times to be this way) is to stay stagnant. Also, I refuse to leave a job without a plan. Plus, I live to leave at the start of the year so I have my full vacation pay coming to me (silly, but it's true- it's like double indemnity) and I have a fresh set of benefits to use up (gobble-gobble health spending account/dental/extended health!). Plus, I like to leave things as clean as possible so the next predecessor does not have the issue of sorting through my mess. That's just not fair to anyone.

My intention in writing this post had nothing to do with my job, it had more to do with Monday just being Monday (I like Monday, I wish I had underpants that said Monday on them. I also like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... well all the days. Except Sunday... Sunday's are usually a little melancholy for whatever reason.). It's funny how when you think you have nothing to say at all there is often something there, just waiting for the chance to be heard.

How has your Monday been today?

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