Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Truthfully




Strip it all away, let's be truthful here for a moment. Breaking-up sucks. It does. I realise that it's for the best because even if I thought I could do more, he doesn't. He took the initiative to end it therefor he's done. He does not want that relationship anymore, he didn't see it as being something worth continuing on with... he's done. That's fine. I can't change his mind about any of that and nor would I want to. The last thing I would want is to be with someone who just doesn't want to be with me. But that doesn't mean that I still don't feel sad. I'm mourning the loss of possibility. Of dreams, of good times that will never carry on. I loved with my whole heart and I got hurt. I told myself that might happen when I dove in. And I'd do it again. I'm not scared of love. Maybe I wouldn't rush things as much as I did. I kept having this gut reaction at times "whooaa Blanche, slow down" but I didn't. I just jumped right in. My intention wasn't too but it just seemed like I should. So I did. It wasn't that it went to fast for me, I didn't get scared but the timing just felt a little off. There was an unspoken time limit that I felt like we were working against. First it was August, I thought I had to know how I felt and if it was all worth it by August but then that turned into January- still, more time but in my head there was still a time frame we had to know by. I had to know for sure how I felt by "x" amount of days. It was all mechanical and nothing was natural. We constantly tested each other. Can we live together, can we travel together, can we be together, can we love together. It was like a business. But a business that involved emotions. The first rule of business is not to use your emotions in any decision. Relationship Fail. And that is that.

I am optimistic, I have been since the day after the break-up. The first 24 hours is always the worst, as the mind and the heart tries to adjust and catch up to the facts. The reality hits and then comes the real healing. It only gets better from there. I know I won't be alone for the rest of my life. It will happen. I have a lot to offer the right man and I'm going to make an excellent partner, spouse and companion. I'm not going to rush anything more. I'm going to cherish this time I have with myself. I actually feel so lucky that I can take this time to just do me before I move along with another person in another adventure. I no longer have time frames to work with and deadlines to reach. It's all wide open space from here. I'm excited for everything but then again, that's just me. I have so much emotion for such a little body!

I took some space from the world for a while. So I logged out of Facebook and left this blog alone. I knew that my thoughts were distracted as I digested reality. I wanted to give myself some space to figure out what I wanted and take a good hard look at what my goals look like now. There isn't anything better than heart break to motivate the soul. Isn't it true? I've been through much heart break in my life that I know it can take some time to get it all together but in the end, something amazing always comes from it. 

As I read this, I am kind of annoyed with myself. Why do I sound so happy? Why am I so happy? I don't know, I can't answer that. I guess I'm just moving on with my life. There isn't anything left for me here. There is no point in staying stuck in the past. I am doing the work I need to do to move forward. It doesn't do anyone any good hanging on to a stale fraction of a relationship that is long time done. Though, he was as kind as he could be during the break-up and I can see how some people might find that misleading or hopeful-- I know he's done. If he's not then we'll deal with that as it comes but personally, I think he was very honest with himself and things just weren't going to work for him. So acceptance was my first step. Actually, my first step was giving-up and then the second was acceptance. True Story.

I wonder if I should post this. It's honest. It's who I am and where I am right now. I'm sure in a few days it will be different again. Perhaps I'll stop dreaming about him by then. I'm always on some adventure with him. Last night, we were in a volcano and this evil doctor had captures him. I got along well with this evil doctor but the whole time I was trying to save him. This evil doctor was trying to enchant me with these birds that lived in this volcano (which actually ended up being a tropical lagoon on the inside). They were small, made of blue diamonds and presented me with tiny bottles of champagne which smelled like flowers. They were beautiful and made this sweet, high pitched twinkling nose and they flew by. Such a strange thing but it was beautiful. I don't think I was able to save him from his imprisonment. Other nights I have.

I've been sleeping well. It's been about 6 weeks since I came off that sleepy time medication and I'm finally sleeping fitfully. It's been ever since the last day in Maui. I feel good. That chapter of my life is finally over and I'm looking towards the new now.

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