Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dolce far Niente

To Do List for Today: Nothing

I once read the book Eat Pray Love. I didn't finish it. I actually had an easier time reading the lesser known tragic plays by Shakespeare then I did eating reading Eat Pray Love. What I had trouble with was relating to the author and her relationship to everything. I know women live, breath, love by this book but I just didn't get it. The parts I loved was what everyone else found boring (I loved when she went to India and Bali, two places that have been on my travel list for a decade).I was very anti-Eat Pray Love and just chopped it up to my jaded nature towards idealistic concepts of self and romance (ie: I don't do chick flick romantic comedy's). Then the movie came out, I wasn't interested but when the opportunity came for me to watch it. I did. December 31 2010 before getting dressed and ready to go out for New Years. I remember not wanting the movie to end (and it didn't for a long time, it kind of dragged on) and when it did I stood up and felt different. Lighter. inspired. Something within me had shifted. I wasn't sure what but everything felt magical again. And then life took a path of it's own and I led myself through things that all should have happened over a span of 2 years but all happened within 6 months. I felt like my life had been put on a high speed euro train and I was whizzing through, catching myself up to where I should have been.

and then it stopped. It was the end of the track and it was time for me to get off. I did. I had no choice. That journey was done and it was time to move onto something else. And I did. It was a struggle at first to get my footing again but I was determined to learn and become better from everything I have learnt from my life in the past 30 years. I revisited everything again, including Eat Pray Love the movie. I watched it just a few weeks ago. I didn't watch it all the way through. I just wanted to watch it till the point when she met Javier Bardem in Bali. And I did. Last night, when I got home from spending the evening with some friends, I watch the movie again. Twice. Ending at around the same point. I wasn't ready for Elizabeth to enter a relationship. The thing that I enjoyed about this movie was how apparent the relationship was between the main character and herself. I missed that in the book. I couldn't see past all the other distractions but the movie was different. I resonated with the beauty of the film, it's peaches & cream ideas and the journey. I was able to take things from it that rang truthful for me and use it to inspire and motivate me, keeping my optimism burning strong even at the darkest moments.

It's been my dream for many, many years to take the time to travel for myself. In my head I've set a date in the new year at the start of this year. Perhaps it still might happen. This movie helps inspire me to do it, especially if I am still single.

Single.

There is a line in the film (one of many) that I think is truthful for many women.

"Since I was 15 I've either been in a relationship with a guy or breaking up with one"

This was me. Correction, this IS me. I can list off all the boys I dated, the ones I kissed, the ones I shared space with, the ones who only held my hand. Each one usually led to another. I thought I had a period in which there was nothing but as I really think about it. There wasn't. I have had 3 long term relationships of over 2 years long, 1 friend with benefits of whom had been in my life for 6 years off and on, boys always waiting for me to be single, always someone waiting. I ended all of that this year- actually.. it had been over the last few years that things started to fall away from me. Then, last month. It became just me. And I was okay with that. I was happy to be with just me. I'd toy with the idea of attracting a distraction but each time I even thought about it my gut said "no, you do not want this". So, I've been staying true to myself just as I have been for the last little while.

I've already done so much for myself and it's hasn't even been a month. I'm so proud of me.

There is a difference between Crazy Love and Real Love. I've had a little of both (but mostly real). Crazy Love can also be described as infatuation. Elizabeth does an excellent job of describing this feeling in Eat Pray Love:

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self."


Real Love isn't anything like this. It's softer and grows stronger over time. It's nourishing and warm. There isn't anything possessive about it and when it goes leaves it hurts but not in a crazy way. It's special and natural and can not be rushed. Real love is flexible and moves as it is needed. You never loose yourself in real love, it just becomes a part of you. Like air.

It's the Crazy Love that we are addicted to and the thing that the unaware are always searching for but little do they know that this love is a fickle love. It leaves as quickly as it comes.
I've been thinking way more about things over than love. I've been thinking about the people in my life, the goals and dreams I have and I've been thinking about myself. I am listening to my gut because I am often reminded of how right it seems to be. How intuitive we are as humans. I've also been reminded of "dolce far niente", the sweetness of doing nothing.
 
I also have a crazing for squash blossoms stuffed with Riccota and wild mushroom risotto with roasted duck.
OH! Movies about food are my favorite kind of movie!

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