I have never thought about kids. Well, I have thought about kids. I've thought about how I am not ready for them, how the man I am with at the time wouldn't be the kind of father I would want to give them. I have thought about what it might do to my body and how morning sickness would be scary and how expensive they are and how this world is such a shallow place and how I don't want to bring a child up in it.
And then that started to change. My taste in men changed, my taste in priorities changed and my idea of this big bad world changed. I'm not sure when it hit me, but it did. Slowly... last month I realised I wanted a boy if I could choose. I would want more then one child and just this very moment I realised... I want children.
I believe that I can choose a partner who will be a good father and a good husband. I believe that marriage isn't an old fashioned belief. I believe that I can be a good mother and bring up children who add to the world. I have never felt this way in my life, ever. I'm not worried about getting older or any of that. It will happen if it's meant to happen. I have to get to the place first where I actually feel comfortable having a child. I, in now way, could be a single mother. I need a partner to do this. I have so much respect for women who are everything to their child, and I could do it if I didn't have a choice however, knowing what I do about myself. I am work better in a team. I need someone to support and to support me.
It's weird for me to admit this. I've never really talked about this with such conviction and certainty. In a way, I feel uncomfortable being so honest about this. I imagine that this might change again, that it might waffle away but I am stuck by the fact that it is so confident in my mind. and it has nothing to do with that ticking time bomb people always refer too. It has to do with an actual desire to shape a person or two who will look after this world after I leave. I believe that I can make good little humans to help make this good little world of ours even better.
This is my off week of the month. Usually PMS makes me sad, even depressed. I often have really bad digestive issues and migraine. I have none of that right now, right now.. I want kids. Man oh man, I'm glad this doesn't post on Facebook anymore because I am sure this would scare any prospective man. Thankfully, CW is the only real life person I know who reads this anymore and i don't even know if he reads my ramblings.