Friday, December 23, 2011

Kids



I have never thought about kids. Well, I have thought about kids. I've thought about how I am not ready for them, how the man I am with at the time wouldn't be the kind of father I would want to give them. I have thought about what it might do to my body and how morning sickness would be scary and how expensive they are and how this world is such a shallow place and how I don't want to bring a child up in it.

And then that started to change. My taste in men changed, my taste in priorities changed and my idea of this big bad world changed. I'm not sure when it hit me, but it did. Slowly... last month I realised I wanted a boy if I could choose. I would want more then one child and just this very moment I realised... I want children.

I believe that I can choose a partner who will be a good father and a good husband. I believe that marriage isn't an old fashioned belief. I believe that I can be a good mother and bring up children who add to the world. I have never felt this way in my life, ever. I'm not worried about getting older or any of that. It will happen if it's meant to happen. I have to get to the place first where I actually feel comfortable having a child. I, in now way, could be a single mother. I need a partner to do this. I have so much respect for women who are everything to their child, and I could do it if I didn't have a choice however, knowing what I do about myself. I am work better in a team. I need someone to support and to support me.

It's weird for me to admit this. I've never really talked about this with such conviction and certainty. In a way, I feel uncomfortable being so honest about this. I imagine that this might change again, that it might waffle away but I am stuck by the fact that it is so confident in my mind. and it has nothing to do with that ticking time bomb people always refer too. It has to do with an actual desire to shape a person or two who will look after this world after I leave. I believe that I can make good little humans to help make this good little world of ours even better.

**

This is my off week of the month. Usually PMS makes me sad, even depressed. I often have really bad digestive issues and migraine. I have none of that right now, right now.. I want kids. Man oh man, I'm glad this doesn't post on Facebook anymore because I am sure this would scare any prospective man. Thankfully, CW is the only real life person I know who reads this anymore and i don't even know if he reads my ramblings.

2 comments:

Rolley said...

Hey!

I'm sorry to hear about the sadness of your Christmas this year.. i mean, last year. I've been there a few times with grand parents passing on and it is a sad time for everyone. Different people deal with it so differently too.. some are seem strong but subtly aren't, some wear it all on the outside, some even get angry at the world. It's all part of life though isn't it, and its a gift that we get to share life with people we love for a certain time, even if its too short.

Ahhh sigh. : )

Kids though.. now now. Kids. I know a thing or two, or three (lol) about kids! I was 19, about to turn 20! Unprepaired, un-anything, I had no inkling whatsoever about kids but when I found out you know what my reaction was? I had this crazy overwhelming urge to smile, and a huge hapiness overcame me, I think I just said something like "wow congratulations!" and hugged her, which is pretty funny, and not at all what she was expecting haha.

its crazy, its like as soon as you find out a little biological, mental switch get's flicked without you even knowing at the time. your mind shifts, you don't change as a person instantly but suddenly you're different somehow, and from then on you grow so much more.

it really is life changing. On the mind, yes the body too, it's changing in so many ways I couldn't possibly describe them all. But you'll never know until you know if you know what I mean.

Having kids, yes, it costs money and its stressful at times, but don't fear all that, not even for a second; what you gain in growth of yourself, and the love you gain (and give), is more than compensation; and creating new little people, passing your genetics on to them, and helping them become everyday big people like you and me, is an amazing, amazing thing.

its .. amazing. wouldn't change a thing : )

I hope you meet a decent man that is up to sharing the whole experience with you! Cheers to that! and happy new year : )

R!

amourissima said...

Thanks Rolley, what a great comment! I needed that. I'm back at work and ready to dive back into real life. I like what you said about kids, it makes sense. And I feel happy about it.

I am really impressed with Children these days and the idea of having my own seems much more do-able then ever before.

I will meet a decent man, I know I will. And everything will work out as it should. :)

Yay for 2012!!Happy New Year!