Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
I stood in 4 inch pumps for 10 hours as my dead uncle lay in a casket behind me. I couldn't stop wondering about things like if he was wearing pants. I was inspired a million times over by different women I met in the room. I felt like a child standing in the room. I felt lost and helpless. I awkwardly put my arms around my mum and I couldn't help but wonder when I will have to go through this with my own mother and my own father. Will I be strong enough?
I thought to myself, what a wonderful party. Why the hell is Bob dead for such a party?
This should happen before death, before Starwars.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I can hear my cousin Susan walking around her house, she was trying to write something for the service. I hope she's OK. As OK as you can be when your dad dies on Christmas eve from a freak accident.
I should go to bed, I don't think this is making sense.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
the Super Nanny song on the radio. I didn't know that was a real song.
I just finished up the gym, I have no make up on and yesterday's hair.
Last night I went to The Ship with ZT, I totally needed that. Together
we ate far too many carbs, I had a grilled cheese with pizza on the
side. True story. He had the cheese pasta. I told him about my uncle
and he told me how his mum light the stove on fire. We showed each
other videos of snakes eating and vomiting things up. Just what I
I'm cranky today, every time I talk to my mum I get mad. I don't know
why, I just do. She wants me to do her reading at the funeral and I
don't think I should. I also upset that I am missing New Years, I
wasn't yesterday. Why am I so mad? I woke up this way. I can't be this
way, what positive purpose does it serve? None. It could just be
Private Eyes is playing on the radio, much better.
I'm seeing SL tonight which will be nice, as long as I can shake this
inner bitch. I should also pack when I get home from breakfast. I'm
going to try and have a "what are we doing here?" talk with him. I
need to pick a track with him friends or something else... Can't be
both. Well it can, you know what I mean. "Something else" can be both
but friends can only be friends in my world.
I don't know what to bring to the funeral. God knows I have enough
dresses... Can I just wear the same thing everyday? That's very
Italian of me, same black dress, everyday. Mourning fashion.
Anyway, my tummy has been a mess this week and I just drank too much
fluid with my breakfast. I should waddle my way home. When did my blog
change like this?? All these careless posts from my phone. Oh well,
it's a phase.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Saturday or Sunday. Makes sense now why I have no plans for NYE. Thank
We fly out on Wednesday, I'll try to go into work tomorrow or maybe
tonight. Just to clean up some loose ends. It's month end and year
end. They told me I wasn't allowed time off but I got it any way
though I could have done without the tragedy.
This whole thing kind of upsets my tummy not to mention being
susceptible to it this week.
Now I don't know what to do. I'm not sure why I am posting so much the
last few days. Not really sure where else to put these thoughts.
I am just waiting for my hair to set. I have curls pinned up all over
my head. My new stylist showed me how to do this, it's super cute and
Maybe I can buy a new black dress for the occasion?
Maybe. Maybe not. Weird things going through my head but I just keep
listening to my Motown and disco. That seems to make everything
I want a partner in crime. I am so much braver with someone beside me.
Reena, Laura, a boy who I love. I can do anything when I have someone
by my side.
I'm scared I'm not going to know what to do with all the sad people at
the funeral. I'm a little scared I'm going to be one of the sad ones.
Why on earth do they make funerals do sad anyway??!! I don't want
people to be sad at my funeral. No sad music please. I mean it.
Well, that's that thought. xxoo
I finally feel good today. Really good. Like there's summer in my
heart. That doesn't minimize the sadness of the last few days or how
difficult the last month was for me but today, I feel good. I am happy
to put Christmas away for another year. Next year will be different
yet again. There will be good things and hard things but I have to
admit this was one of the hardest Christmas' in my existence and
that's saying a lot.
But it's over and put away. Time to move forward and get ready for my
32 year of life. There is a possibility of a short trip to NYC in the
next few days granted it's as a result of a funeral but I'm happy to
get on a plane again for whatever reason.
Then I will plan a pleasure trip for me and keep looking for that one
job that looks interesting enough for me to move on.
And that's that. I go back to work in Wednesday and I hope that my
boss will understand about my uncle. I'm happy to return to normal
life. I have emails to write, people to see and meet. Experiences to
be had. Let's do it.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
accident changed the lives of many people, many of whom will always
remember Christmas Eve as the day he passed away.
It's hard to process, I know my mum needed to take some time alone to
deal with how she was feeling. My aunt thought Christmas should be
canceled. I woke up with that familiar missing ache that takes over my
body when I know I'll never see them again.
I am so thankful for Reena Bear who came to my family's Christmas Eve.
I am Thankful for SL who spent the time listening to me process
things. My heart goes out to him so much because he has been having
such a hard second part of the year. He sat there watching movies in
his mothers living room as she lay resting in her bed. Parents being
sick, dependent on children. It has to happen at some point.
I'm not really sure what to say. We have one more day of Christmas to
get through. Then New Years which has never been a favorite of mine...
And then January. I love January. Little Christmas, my birthday and my
fresh beginnings. And then I can deal with the year again. Look at
I'm writing this on my phone again. I don't want to leave my bed. I
should get started with the day, my family is going to need me. I
would really like Reena Bear to come to Christmas Day this year too
but she can't.
Where ever you are and whoever you are with, much love to all and
Saturday, December 24, 2011
some kind of dream feeling sad; emotional.
I was drifting in and out of sleep over the last few hours and then my
phone rang, it was my mum. She asked me if I was in bed, I was but I
had been awake for about 10 minutes. By awake I meant thinking about
getting out of bed.
She sounded weak. Then she said she had some bad news. My aunt had
called my mum at 5:30 a.m. about their brother, my uncle. Last night
he had fallen down 10 flights of stairs, fractured his skull and
broken his neck. Apparently there was blood everywhere and a
helicopter had to pick him up and take him to a hospital.
I had just talked to him last week, he had just come back from Mexico.
A much needed holiday. My Aunt Trudy had passed away two Christmas'
ago and he had finally started to enjoy life again. Yes, he had cried
about her and about how much he still missed her but he had accepted
her passing. He had opened up his heart to someone new as well. He was
happy then, life had found new routine for him and he had accepted it.
There is talk of brain damage but I am not ready to accept that. He
was supposed to come and visit us here in Calgary next year. He grew
up here, the oldest son in a first generation Canadian Italian family.
A little house built by my grandfathers hands in Riverside which is
now known as Bridgeland.
Things change. Always. Can't control it and if you try it just causes
things to change even more. Things like this happen for no reason, as
much as we like to believe there is a bigger plan... Sometimes there
just isn't. Life happens, death happens, accidents happen, shit
I am always reminded though that little things don't matter; semantics
don't matter. Petty grudges and selfish choices don't matter. You
either want a person in your life or you don't and when it comes to
family you should accept everyone. Make the most of who you have and
what you have. If someone doesn't respect you then move on. This kind
of stuff just puts things into perspective for me.
I have so much, I am so lucky. Why taint it with dissatisfaction of
others. Why waste that energy. Why play games. Why worry about what
can be. I know it's just the way my mind works, but I have to keep
things in perspective.
I am reminded of a time last year when I watched an interview with
Elizabeth Smart. She had been kidnapped and taken away from her
family, abused and broken. She was so strong, so adjusted, I was
mesmerized. Envious. Inspired. I was at the heart of a phobia that I
had given in too. In my life I was terrified to eat anything that
might make me sick. My world had become small. Here I was crying over
a tummy ache and there she was, on Oprah, pouring out this heart
wrenching experience and she was so OK with it. She was so adjusted. I
felt selfish in my self infected misery. She didn't choose this yet
she was OK. It made me realize that some things really don't matter.
And then this winter, a had a few friends who were going those a lot
of crisis and chaos in their lives. Friends with broken hearts, Broken
dreams, lost jobs, lost everything. Abusive boyfriends, parents in the
hospital, family's being torn apart by a cheating spouse with another
life, lose of innocence. All these things that made my own broken
heart and disenchantment seems so small. Yes, a boy I cared about had
gotten drunk and treated me really bad. But I broke-up with him ASAP
and that was that. These things that were going on with my friends, so
sad... And all I had was one bad night. It made my issue of broken
heartedness and readjustment seem so petty.
Now this thing with my uncle, it makes everything again seem so
unimportant. A better grasp on perspective. Motivates me to deal with
the things I've been putting off. It also makes other peoples small
minded actions seem annoying and shallow.
Time to be support for my family and do the things that seem right. I
can't be everything to everyone but I can be something to those that
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
- Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.
- Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.
- Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. Read The Road Less Traveled.
- Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.
- Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.
- Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.
- Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.
- Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will.
- Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.
- Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
- Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.
- Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.
- Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.
- Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
- Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records.
- Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
- Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.
- Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
- Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.
- Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right.
- Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down. Breath. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.
- Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.
- Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.
- Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
- Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.
- Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.
- Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.
- Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.
- Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read The How of Happiness.
- Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I am a combo of The Ethereal Weirdo and The Skinny Woman Who Is Beautiful and Toned but Also Gluttonous and Disgusting.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
borrowed from here!
Ignore excuses and apologies; if violence has surfaced, it will surface again. Get out at the very first strike. This goes for men, too. If your partner, pushes, kicks, shoves or slaps you and/or throw things at you; GET OUT. Physical violence isn’t acceptable from either sex.
If your partner’s dream is to travel the road as a wandering musician and you’re a city person with ambitions, one or both of you will probably be unhappy if you stay together. Relationships have a better chance at being successful with people whom we share similar values and goals.
You may be tempted to stay with someone just because they’re available and willing, but this is generally a bad idea. There should be some chemistry in order to have a successful future.
Even if there’s chemistry, if someone can’t express their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the words “I love you,” you’ll never really feel satisfied with them.
If you’ve been together a while and can’t count on him or her to come get you if your car breaks down, or to attend family or work events, then you don’t have a solid relationship.
Being in love should bring out the best in you. It should help you to be less self-conscious and make you more open and alive. If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time because your partner is emotionally volatile and verbally abusive, it’s probably a sign that this is not the right relationship for you.
If your relationship is demeaning, makes you feel bad about yourself, leaves you feeling like you’re not heard, and you’re getting more criticism than praise, then it’s time to end it. A good relationship makes you feel respected and loved, worthwhile and good about yourself.
Serial philanderers usually have a pattern of behavior. If you discover your mate has that kind of history, don’t believe “never again.” The heartache and torment will never end.
There are single acts so horrid that they should mean the END. If he or she sleeps with your best friend, is disrespectful to your family, consistently criticizes and undermines you, stands you up at the altar, or commits murder, end the relationship with no second chances.
Loving someone doesn’t always guarantee you can spend the rest of your lives together. If you’ve broken up and reunited and you’re still having the same fights, the same problems or different versions of the same problem, especially if you’ve tried relationship counseling, it’s probably best to end the relationship. Saying, “things will be better” and actually making things better by changing attitudes and behaviors aren’t the same thing. The former is lip service and mollification; the latter is growth.
The relationship seems to have stalled and your partner says something like, “I want time,” or “I want space,” or “I think we should see other people,” or “I need to devote myself to my career.” Almost always, what he or she means is “I want out.” These things happen, don’t drag it out. You might say, “Sounds like you want to break up. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I hope we can remain friends.”
Relationships have a natural progression. If you’re not progressing and you can’t pinpoint the cause, you might want to try couple’s counseling. However, if he or she won’t go, or goes but doesn’t think there’s a problem or can’t see his or her role in the problem, and/or uses counseling to blame and trash you while exonerating him- or herself, the relationship is coming to an end.