Saturday, December 31, 2011

A Funeral and Family

Yesterday was the funeral, that was a hard day as well. I mean, yesterday we stood around for 10 hours with an open casket repeating things. The constant parade of "I'm sorry for your loss" and "it was so tragic and far too soon" got to be a bit funny after the first few hours. There were so many people, so many kisses, so many handshakes. The sadness always hits me, when other people are feeling it. Seeing the hurt pass through these people breaks my heart.


And then the funeral. I thought I was done with the open casket but I wasn't. It was there again in the morning, and we had to take another procession of sadness as people kissed our cheeks and said how sorry they were. Sitting in silence in our blackest black. There is a small service by the priest and we say farewell to the body one last time. We are shuffled into another room, the women sitting and crying as the men take the coffin away to the hearse.

And then we go to the church where we have a full catholic service. I remember this church from 25 years before, meeting these same wonderful people 25 years earlier under happier circumstances. 25 years before some of the wrinkles, the grey hairs.

There were many more words and many more tears and as we walked out it was done. We were done. Sons took over for driving for mothers and we made way to a place to finally celebrate the life.

There were more drinks and more food. We are a family of eaters. The conversation was light and I think we were all grateful not to have to talk about death anymore. And we didn't for the rest of the night. At least I didn't and the people who I enjoyed being around didn't either. The eating and the drinking carried on when we got home and we watched TV and laughed. By 9 PM I was ready for bed.

I feel out of the loop, I haven't thought about work or anything back at home. I've hardly talked to any friends other then Brian from Vancouver and SL. Reena Bear is in Hawaii right now and we've been chit chatting a little but not much. I exchanged info with some relatives who I plan to stay in contact with. Some impressive men I must say who reminded me what a good man is all about.

My eyes are really puffy, the kids are red and burning. I think I may have come in contact with something I'm allergic too. Not sure what though. Today is my last day so I'll worry about it when I get home.
I think I'll have a shower now, it's 720 AM eastern time. I feel so disconnected with my friends 2 time zones over. It's new years eve, I wonder how tonight will go.
xxoo

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Wake

"Wake-up" I thought to myself as I looked at my uncle as he lay in his casket. He looked like he was sleeping. I had been standing there, playing nice with relatives I had never met and women with thick Jersey accents. Why on earth was this called a wake? Was it to wake up our emotions to shock us into the reality that he really was dead?were we hoping, deep down, that enough old friends and enough stories and enough brave faces would wake the dead? Or was it just because we were at the wake of death. The wake of letting go. It had nothing to do with thoughts and feelings and just had more to do with action.

I stood in 4 inch pumps for 10 hours as my dead uncle lay in a casket behind me. I couldn't stop wondering about things like if he was wearing pants. I was inspired a million times over by different women I met in the room. I felt like a child standing in the room. I felt lost and helpless. I awkwardly put my arms around my mum and I couldn't help but wonder when I will have to go through this with my own mother and my own father. Will I be strong enough?

I thought to myself, what a wonderful party. Why the hell is Bob dead for such a party?

This should happen before death, before Starwars.

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I can hear my cousin Susan walking around her house, she was trying to write something for the service. I hope she's OK. As OK as you can be when your dad dies on Christmas eve from a freak accident.

I should go to bed, I don't think this is making sense.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Songs

I'm getting ready to pack, I leave in a few hours but first...
You must listen to these songs:




And this one, my siren song:



Pretty aren't they. I'm sure I'll write in a bit but for now... I have
to get ready for a flight. xxoo

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Breakfast

I'm sitting at Cora's by myself having breakfast and they are playing
the Super Nanny song on the radio. I didn't know that was a real song.
I just finished up the gym, I have no make up on and yesterday's hair.
Last night I went to The Ship with ZT, I totally needed that. Together
we ate far too many carbs, I had a grilled cheese with pizza on the
side. True story. He had the cheese pasta. I told him about my uncle
and he told me how his mum light the stove on fire. We showed each
other videos of snakes eating and vomiting things up. Just what I
needed.

I'm cranky today, every time I talk to my mum I get mad. I don't know
why, I just do. She wants me to do her reading at the funeral and I
don't think I should. I also upset that I am missing New Years, I
wasn't yesterday. Why am I so mad? I woke up this way. I can't be this
way, what positive purpose does it serve? None. It could just be
unexpressed sadness.


Private Eyes is playing on the radio, much better.

I'm seeing SL tonight which will be nice, as long as I can shake this
inner bitch. I should also pack when I get home from breakfast. I'm
going to try and have a "what are we doing here?" talk with him. I
need to pick a track with him friends or something else... Can't be
both. Well it can, you know what I mean. "Something else" can be both
but friends can only be friends in my world.

I don't know what to bring to the funeral. God knows I have enough
dresses... Can I just wear the same thing everyday? That's very
Italian of me, same black dress, everyday. Mourning fashion.

Anyway, my tummy has been a mess this week and I just drank too much
fluid with my breakfast. I should waddle my way home. When did my blog
change like this?? All these careless posts from my phone. Oh well,
it's a phase.
xxoo

Monday, December 26, 2011

NYC for NYE

The wake is on Thursday, funeral on Friday and then we fly back
Saturday or Sunday. Makes sense now why I have no plans for NYE. Thank
goodness.

We fly out on Wednesday, I'll try to go into work tomorrow or maybe
tonight. Just to clean up some loose ends. It's month end and year
end. They told me I wasn't allowed time off but I got it any way
though I could have done without the tragedy.

This whole thing kind of upsets my tummy not to mention being
susceptible to it this week.

Now I don't know what to do. I'm not sure why I am posting so much the
last few days. Not really sure where else to put these thoughts.

I am just waiting for my hair to set. I have curls pinned up all over
my head. My new stylist showed me how to do this, it's super cute and
really easy.

Maybe I can buy a new black dress for the occasion?

Maybe. Maybe not. Weird things going through my head but I just keep
listening to my Motown and disco. That seems to make everything
better.

I want a partner in crime. I am so much braver with someone beside me.
Reena, Laura, a boy who I love. I can do anything when I have someone
by my side.

I'm scared I'm not going to know what to do with all the sad people at
the funeral. I'm a little scared I'm going to be one of the sad ones.
Why on earth do they make funerals do sad anyway??!! I don't want
people to be sad at my funeral. No sad music please. I mean it.

Well, that's that thought. xxoo

Hard Christmas

Still blogging from my phone. I'm standing in my kitchen writing this.
I finally feel good today. Really good. Like there's summer in my
heart. That doesn't minimize the sadness of the last few days or how
difficult the last month was for me but today, I feel good. I am happy
to put Christmas away for another year. Next year will be different
yet again. There will be good things and hard things but I have to
admit this was one of the hardest Christmas' in my existence and
that's saying a lot.

But it's over and put away. Time to move forward and get ready for my
32 year of life. There is a possibility of a short trip to NYC in the
next few days granted it's as a result of a funeral but I'm happy to
get on a plane again for whatever reason.

Then I will plan a pleasure trip for me and keep looking for that one
job that looks interesting enough for me to move on.

And that's that. I go back to work in Wednesday and I hope that my
boss will understand about my uncle. I'm happy to return to normal
life. I have emails to write, people to see and meet. Experiences to
be had. Let's do it.

xxoo

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Quickly

And within 12 hours my uncle went from happy new life to gone. That
accident changed the lives of many people, many of whom will always
remember Christmas Eve as the day he passed away.

It's hard to process, I know my mum needed to take some time alone to
deal with how she was feeling. My aunt thought Christmas should be
canceled. I woke up with that familiar missing ache that takes over my
body when I know I'll never see them again.

I am so thankful for Reena Bear who came to my family's Christmas Eve.
I am Thankful for SL who spent the time listening to me process
things. My heart goes out to him so much because he has been having
such a hard second part of the year. He sat there watching movies in
his mothers living room as she lay resting in her bed. Parents being
sick, dependent on children. It has to happen at some point.

I'm not really sure what to say. We have one more day of Christmas to
get through. Then New Years which has never been a favorite of mine...
And then January. I love January. Little Christmas, my birthday and my
fresh beginnings. And then I can deal with the year again. Look at
travel finally.

I'm writing this on my phone again. I don't want to leave my bed. I
should get started with the day, my family is going to need me. I
would really like Reena Bear to come to Christmas Day this year too
but she can't.

Where ever you are and whoever you are with, much love to all and
Happy Christmas

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Bigger Picture

I am laying in bed. I've been up since 5:30 a.m. I had woken up from
some kind of dream feeling sad; emotional.

I was drifting in and out of sleep over the last few hours and then my
phone rang, it was my mum. She asked me if I was in bed, I was but I
had been awake for about 10 minutes. By awake I meant thinking about
getting out of bed.

She sounded weak. Then she said she had some bad news. My aunt had
called my mum at 5:30 a.m. about their brother, my uncle. Last night
he had fallen down 10 flights of stairs, fractured his skull and
broken his neck. Apparently there was blood everywhere and a
helicopter had to pick him up and take him to a hospital.

I had just talked to him last week, he had just come back from Mexico.
A much needed holiday. My Aunt Trudy had passed away two Christmas'
ago and he had finally started to enjoy life again. Yes, he had cried
about her and about how much he still missed her but he had accepted
her passing. He had opened up his heart to someone new as well. He was
happy then, life had found new routine for him and he had accepted it.

There is talk of brain damage but I am not ready to accept that. He
was supposed to come and visit us here in Calgary next year. He grew
up here, the oldest son in a first generation Canadian Italian family.
A little house built by my grandfathers hands in Riverside which is
now known as Bridgeland.

Things change. Always. Can't control it and if you try it just causes
things to change even more. Things like this happen for no reason, as
much as we like to believe there is a bigger plan... Sometimes there
just isn't. Life happens, death happens, accidents happen, shit
happens.

I am always reminded though that little things don't matter; semantics
don't matter. Petty grudges and selfish choices don't matter. You
either want a person in your life or you don't and when it comes to
family you should accept everyone. Make the most of who you have and
what you have. If someone doesn't respect you then move on. This kind
of stuff just puts things into perspective for me.

I have so much, I am so lucky. Why taint it with dissatisfaction of
others. Why waste that energy. Why play games. Why worry about what
can be. I know it's just the way my mind works, but I have to keep
things in perspective.

I am reminded of a time last year when I watched an interview with
Elizabeth Smart. She had been kidnapped and taken away from her
family, abused and broken. She was so strong, so adjusted, I was
mesmerized. Envious. Inspired. I was at the heart of a phobia that I
had given in too. In my life I was terrified to eat anything that
might make me sick. My world had become small. Here I was crying over
a tummy ache and there she was, on Oprah, pouring out this heart
wrenching experience and she was so OK with it. She was so adjusted. I
felt selfish in my self infected misery. She didn't choose this yet
she was OK. It made me realize that some things really don't matter.

And then this winter, a had a few friends who were going those a lot
of crisis and chaos in their lives. Friends with broken hearts, Broken
dreams, lost jobs, lost everything. Abusive boyfriends, parents in the
hospital, family's being torn apart by a cheating spouse with another
life, lose of innocence. All these things that made my own broken
heart and disenchantment seems so small. Yes, a boy I cared about had
gotten drunk and treated me really bad. But I broke-up with him ASAP
and that was that. These things that were going on with my friends, so
sad... And all I had was one bad night. It made my issue of broken
heartedness and readjustment seem so petty.

Now this thing with my uncle, it makes everything again seem so
unimportant. A better grasp on perspective. Motivates me to deal with
the things I've been putting off. It also makes other peoples small
minded actions seem annoying and shallow.

Time to be support for my family and do the things that seem right. I
can't be everything to everyone but I can be something to those that
want me.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Kids



I have never thought about kids. Well, I have thought about kids. I've thought about how I am not ready for them, how the man I am with at the time wouldn't be the kind of father I would want to give them. I have thought about what it might do to my body and how morning sickness would be scary and how expensive they are and how this world is such a shallow place and how I don't want to bring a child up in it.

And then that started to change. My taste in men changed, my taste in priorities changed and my idea of this big bad world changed. I'm not sure when it hit me, but it did. Slowly... last month I realised I wanted a boy if I could choose. I would want more then one child and just this very moment I realised... I want children.

I believe that I can choose a partner who will be a good father and a good husband. I believe that marriage isn't an old fashioned belief. I believe that I can be a good mother and bring up children who add to the world. I have never felt this way in my life, ever. I'm not worried about getting older or any of that. It will happen if it's meant to happen. I have to get to the place first where I actually feel comfortable having a child. I, in now way, could be a single mother. I need a partner to do this. I have so much respect for women who are everything to their child, and I could do it if I didn't have a choice however, knowing what I do about myself. I am work better in a team. I need someone to support and to support me.

It's weird for me to admit this. I've never really talked about this with such conviction and certainty. In a way, I feel uncomfortable being so honest about this. I imagine that this might change again, that it might waffle away but I am stuck by the fact that it is so confident in my mind. and it has nothing to do with that ticking time bomb people always refer too. It has to do with an actual desire to shape a person or two who will look after this world after I leave. I believe that I can make good little humans to help make this good little world of ours even better.

**

This is my off week of the month. Usually PMS makes me sad, even depressed. I often have really bad digestive issues and migraine. I have none of that right now, right now.. I want kids. Man oh man, I'm glad this doesn't post on Facebook anymore because I am sure this would scare any prospective man. Thankfully, CW is the only real life person I know who reads this anymore and i don't even know if he reads my ramblings.

Bye-Bye 2011


Bidding farewell to viral news stories of 2011


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Nyan Cat

First there was Honey Badger and then there was Nyan Cat, I haven't been able to sleep the last two nights (Yes, I'll blame it on the rainbow farting cat NOT on other such things).

Watch this if you dare:




30 Things


  1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally. 
  2.  Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run. 
  3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. Read The Road Less Traveled. 
  4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most. 
  5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it. 
  6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now. 
  7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet. 
  8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will. 
  9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have. 
  10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too. Read Stumbling on Happiness. 
  11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win. 
  12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow. 
  13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them. 
  14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever. 
  15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records. 
  16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you. 
  17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t. 
  18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life. 
  19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth. 
  20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right. 
  21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down. Breath. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals. 
  22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life. 
  23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect. 
  24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. 
  25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again. 
  26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence. 
  27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of. 
  28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now. 
  29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read The How of Happiness. 
  30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have. 


found this post and picture HERE

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

RomCom Girls

here is a delightful rundown of the common RomCom girl. Do you see yourself in any of these characters?

I am a combo of The Ethereal Weirdo and The Skinny Woman Who Is Beautiful and Toned but Also Gluttonous and Disgusting.


fact.

Wine Etiquette



Though there isn't any mention of what to do about red wine lips, here is a wonderful guide regarding the etiquette for drinking wine. Or any beverage for that matter.

The Gift of Eatible Love




There is no better gift then food. It's a tangible expression of love, passion and creativity that can be taken into the body with the intention to nourish. How fantastic is that. It brings comfort, strength, memory, joy. To be able to create this, see it, touch it, taste it... it's a special kind of special.

I bake. I am a baker. I have been baking since I was old enough to jump on the counter and reach things from the top shelf of the top cupboard. My mum had given me a book called Mudworks for Christmas when I was 10 and in this book was an architectural recipe for gingerbread houses. It was fragrant and hard as rocks. No matter how hard I tried to not over mix the dough or over cook the cookies, it was always hard. I would make sure that I always gave tea with the cookies so people like my grandmother wouldn't break their teeth. Now that I know what I know about baking, I realise that 6 cups of flour and 1 1/2 cups of water shouldn't be in any cookie recipe. But that is when I started to enjoy baking.

Now my ginger cookie recipe is chewy, soft and made with fresh ginger grated with care. There is no water in the recipe at all.

Over the weekend I baked for a collective 24 hours, I pounded out over a dozen different kinds of cookies and treats. I watched as a table filled with over $200 of ingredients slows diminished and beautiful, treats started to pile up beside it.

But not everyone likes cookies, cakes and sweets. Not everyone can have these things. I have a large family and between my mothers allergies to anything cow related to my aunts kidney disease, my dad's insatiable sweet tooth and my brothers cynical ways... I have to make sure that everyone can have something.

and then it dawned on me. What's easy to make, easy to alter and everyone (I thankfully do not have any gluten sensitive family members) can enjoy? Fresh Pasta. I received an old fashioned pasta maker and cutter for Christmas a few years back and realised that this might make a perfect gift. The pasta that is, I like my pasta machine far too much to give that up.

I picture fresh herbed pasta or cracked black pepper. My Dad likes really thin noodles and my mum just likes anything fresh and organic. This is easy, it's healthy and I'm going to do this.

I looked on line for direction and method. I wish I had been able to spend time with my mothers grandma who came over from Italy in the early 1900's as a teen. She used to cut pasta by hand, rolling it out with a broom handle and laying it out on the bed over a towel all the while her home made pasta sauce bubbled on the back of the stove. Using her hands she would motion for my mother to keep eating, at 10 years old she was thin for her age and this was the during the times that thin was out. It was my mothers grandma's mission to make my mum gain some weight.


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This is the site that I found that I'm going to use as my method. I'll let you know (hopefully) how it goes!

Picture borrowed from: Here

HMMMM.... so I went looking for a lemon pasta thing I posted about a few months ago and I came across THIS post. Seems like I'm loosing my mind a little these days. Hahahaha.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Friend or Lover



The events of this past month as they unfolded were pretty unexpected. We re-found each other:

You,  the hottest thing around. Me, a woman in search of someone to share this wonderful life.  It started innocently enough, lunches, adventures to Michael's, a trip to Chuck E. Cheese. A freebird night baking cookies- you were so cute and so lovely and smelled so nice and you kissed me so softly and your hands felts like the tropical rains of Maui on my skin.

and things progressed.

and I wonder, having already had a past with you... what it is that we are doing. I am different then I once was 4 years ago. Vastly different. My heart is still in the same place though and it beats stronger then it once did. I'm healed, I'm healthy and happy. I'm honest about what I want and need, but I am also patient. I think I need to talk with you, talk about everything that we've been avoiding. I don't want to treat you like a friend if you want to be with me and I don't want to treat you like a lover if you just want to be friends.

and so this is where I stand. With you. At a cross roads that will need to be crossed at one point. I don't doubt that you like spending time with me. I don't doubt that you see me as a friend but anything more would be an assumption I am not willing to take. Perhaps we will talk on Wednesday because last night I couldn't find the guts. I was too tired from baking for a collective 24 hours and so thankful for the dinner you brought over for me, you lovely-lovely man.



Friday, December 16, 2011

The Innocent Joy in being Evil




She's young and she's innocent but she sure loves being on the dark side.
Future Mayor of the Death Star.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Different Christmas



This year, I don't want stuff. I don't want to give stuff. I want the world to feel safe, to feel peace and to feel love. I look at Christmas with all it's dollar value and shiny new plastic smell, I look at it and I want to crawl back into bed and not get out till my birthday. I feel like a Negative Nancy admitting that.

Christmas doesn't have to be about stuff, I look around and I see flash and crowds and unhappy faces. I see drunker stupors and internal expectations causing bouts of temporary depression. And glitter, there is so much glitter. I am sick of glitter.

I want my Christmas to bring joy to those around me. I want people to feel love. I want people to feel safe. I want people to feel satisfied. I can't buy that... I realise that. And if I could, it would only be temporary. I want to give myself to everyone... a little part of me. I am a child at heart. I play, I laugh, I eat cookies for breakfast and feel better because of it. I want to give everyone something that makes things a bit better. That's impossible.

I have to do what I can. Listen to my heart and go with it. I can't change the world, I can't take the pain away... but I can change me. That's as good of a place as any to start.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Alone



"It's that state of mind when you notice someone hasn't been around but someone else will look after it. People get so involved in their own lives that they loose sight of others. It's natural and very sad. We just expect that someone else is taking care of that person or that someone else knows what's going on... not always the case. This story reminds me not to just think but to act. Check in on people when I think about them, try to connect. If I notice someone hasn't been around, I'll try and message them. Can't change loneliness but sometimes you can help someone feel less alone."

I wrote this in response to a sad article I read on Facebook, about a woman named Vincent.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

How Drunk Can You Get at Your Office Party

Last weekend I had my annual office Christmas Party, it's an open bar crazy night of fun times. Some people get silly drunk and others keep it to themselves. We drive out to beautiful Banff and stay at one of the lovely hotels nestled in the mountains. The company pays for our night and our breakfast. It's wonderful, a great way to ensure that people feel respected as well as so no one drinks and drives.

This year, Reena came with me because I broke it off with my last love interest a few days before. Both of us were single girls ready to blow off a little steam. We laughed, we danced, we took silly pictures and... stayed sober the whole night. We are classy girls and classy girls don't need to get drunk to have fun. We kept it to a glass and a bit of wine over the whole night. I also did one shot, but that's me. Can't be all class.

There were some silly drunk though, some of the mild mannered people who usually keep to them selves went a little overboard and in a scene almost like Westside Story, there was a fight between our Christmas party and another. Nothing really happened, but it was silly... and all as a result of alcohol silliness at 3AM.

If you have any doubts as to how much to consume at your new office get together, please check the handy guide below.





borrowed from here!

12 Signs

Being that I have been through hell and back with matters of the heart (many of us have) and I can say with confidence that I am a better person because of it. I am the go to woman for break-ups and matter of the heart. Boys come to me, girls come to me... it's what I do. I'm a good friend and I have been through almost everything.

I had to deal with matters of my own heart last month and I did rather well. But, I was a little confused getting to that point. I use Google a lot to help me out. I found this list:


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forked-heart

12 Signs You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend or Spouse


Breaking up is never easy (especially if it’s not your decision), but oftentimes it is necessary. Perhaps it’s a matter of growing apart or falling out of love. Perhaps one or both of you just aren’t into each other anymore. In extreme cases, perhaps the relationship has become emotionally and/or physically abusive, alternating between cold, sullen resentment and overt hostility.


People stay in unsatisfying and/or toxic relationships for a variety of reasons: fear of being alone, fear of change, the comfort of the familiar vs. the fear of the unknown, financial reasons, children, religious beliefs, etc. We tell ourselves it’s not that bad or things will get better as a reason (i.e., excuse) not to make a difficult, but positive change. Unhappiness in your primary relationship affects every area of your life—physical and mental health, career and other relationships.

Below are some strong signs that it’s time to end your current relationship:

1.    If you’ve been hurt physically.
Ignore excuses and apologies; if violence has surfaced, it will surface again. Get out at the very first strike. This goes for men, too. If your partner, pushes, kicks, shoves or slaps you and/or throw things at you; GET OUT. Physical violence isn’t acceptable from either sex.

2.    When you’re totally incompatible.
If your partner’s dream is to travel the road as a wandering musician and you’re a city person with ambitions, one or both of you will probably be unhappy if you stay together. Relationships have a better chance at being successful with people whom we share similar values and goals.


3.    When he or she isn’t even close to your fantasy.
You may be tempted to stay with someone just because they’re available and willing, but this is generally a bad idea. There should be some chemistry in order to have a successful future.


4.    When he or she just can’t say I love you.
Even if there’s chemistry, if someone can’t express their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the words “I love you,” you’ll never really feel satisfied with them.

5.    When he or she just isn’t there for you.
If you’ve been together a while and can’t count on him or her to come get you if your car breaks down, or to attend family or work events, then you don’t have a solid relationship.


6.    When you’re afraid to express yourself.
Being in love should bring out the best in you. It should help you to be less self-conscious and make you more open and alive. If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time because your partner is emotionally volatile and verbally abusive, it’s probably a sign that this is not the right relationship for you.

7.    When your self-esteem is suffering.
If your relationship is demeaning, makes you feel bad about yourself, leaves you feeling like you’re not heard, and you’re getting more criticism than praise, then it’s time to end it. A good relationship makes you feel respected and loved, worthwhile and good about yourself.

8.    When he or she is a philanderer.
Serial philanderers usually have a pattern of behavior. If you discover your mate has that kind of history, don’t believe “never again.” The heartache and torment will never end.

9.    When he or she commits an unforgivable act.
There are single acts so horrid that they should mean the END. If he or she sleeps with your best friend, is disrespectful to your family, consistently criticizes and undermines you, stands you up at the altar, or commits murder, end the relationship with no second chances.

10.    When the same problems recur again and again.
Loving someone doesn’t always guarantee you can spend the rest of your lives together. If you’ve broken up and reunited and you’re still having the same fights, the same problems or different versions of the same problem, especially if you’ve tried relationship counseling, it’s probably best to end the relationship. Saying, “things will be better” and actually making things better by changing attitudes and behaviors aren’t the same thing. The former is lip service and mollification; the latter is growth.

11.    When he or she says, “I need some space.”
The relationship seems to have stalled and your partner says something like, “I want time,” or “I want space,” or “I think we should see other people,” or “I need to devote myself to my career.” Almost always, what he or she means is “I want out.” These things happen, don’t drag it out. You might say, “Sounds like you want to break up. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I hope we can remain friends.”

12.    When the relationship just doesn’t progress.
Relationships have a natural progression. If you’re not progressing and you can’t pinpoint the cause, you might want to try couple’s counseling. However, if he or she won’t go, or goes but doesn’t think there’s a problem or can’t see his or her role in the problem, and/or uses counseling to blame and trash you while exonerating him- or herself, the relationship is coming to an end.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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When talking to a girlfriend of mine about her relationship, I realised she was having the same concerns as me. I told her how things were for me, what I did and then I sent her this list. This is a great list, in my opinion, of the boundaries and such that you should look for. When I first became an adult, I thought to myself that the worst that could ever happen would be to have a man hit me. I came to learn that there are other things that can occur in relationships that are just as bad as being harmed physically.

This day I have a strong sense of self, a good idea of what I'm looking for an I belive that I deserve my best and someone elses best. I am able to accept almost anything, so I have to find someone who won't abuse that. I find myself on a new path now, so we'll see where this ones goes.

Oh love, how I love thee.