Friday, March 16, 2012

Thoughts on Sadness


4 days of each month, I get sad. I talk about it a lot because I am effected a lot by it. Everything becomes a big deal and it's become even bigger because others find it a big deal.

It's not me, it's my hormones... I swear. Give me 4 days of crazy out of 30. Just hold me, be with me, let me do my thing. Let me need you...

The sadness that hits is weird and uncomfortable. If it lasted longer I might feel as though it deserved a stronger name such as "depression". But I don't. It doesn't... at least not for me.

I read this post by Cup of Jo (i know, I re-post a lot of her stuff) and it was about her depression after having child.

The funny thing about depression is that you don't know that it's depression—like, chemical imbalance in your brain, or a hormonal crash. You just think it's your actual life--that your career really IS ending, that you really ARE a terrible mother, that your husband really WILL stop loving you, that friends DO think you're boring. At any time in your life, if you just start feeling bad in your mind and mood, you can always come up with a random reason to point to--oh, it's my job! Oh, it's my dating life! Oh, it’s my looks! Oh, it's just me being an awkward person! When you're depressed, you don't realize that your life actually is fine--you're simply sad because you're depressed. The depression is the reason for the depression.

and then there was Hyperboyle and a Half... how honest is that? I always kind of get to the point half way through (if not sooner) where I realise I have nothing to lose. I start making crazy, impulsive choices. Like last month I went to the movies after having cried in the middle of the mall. I went to the movies and I picked the saddest movie EVER to go to-- by my self none the less-- and I wasn't even wearing waterproof make-up. Black streaks came down my face and I left The Vow half way through. Then I cried in the car and drove like a crazy person all the way home. Then I deleted my Facebook profile because I couldn't handle it. and then I re added it a few days later.

I have helped people through there sadness becasue I know what I need, so I give it to them. It's so hard to ask for it though. This month, I'm trying. For real. I am warnign people now and saying my "I'm sorries" now...

because the uncontroled emotion is not what I am used too.

I have been to my doctor and we are trying some new things, I want things to be better now. I have no paitence for this process in myself. I get so irritated at people who make loud nosies or don't listen. I am intense and can't handle stories in the news paper about mistreated animals. People who look at me a little too long, they get put in my bad books for the next few days. I just want to never stop moving and never stop sleeping. I am in a constant state of confliction. and I hate talking about it as much as I do; excpet... I feel better when I talk about it becasue I think it allows people to understand me better.

I keep trying to think there has to be a way that I can use this for something. Use these emotions. There has to be away to turn them around, direct them... sadness is ideal habitate for creativity. Anger is good for cleaning. I ahve energy that needs to move and the more it sits the heavier it makes my heart.

I just want people to understand and accept me but maybe, I have to accept me first too. I just want them to go first, you accept me and then I'll be me. Maybe it doesn't work that way.

and with this sdaness comes other things. I've looked up what the doctor told me about, PDDM:

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome, afflicting 3% to 8% of women. It is a diagnosis associated primarily with the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle. Up to one-third of women diagnosed with PMDD report residual symptoms into the first 2 or 3 days of the follicular phase.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe forms of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Like PMS, premenstrual dysphoric disorder follows a predictable, cyclic pattern. Symptoms begin in the late luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (after ovulation) and end shortly after menstruation begins.
Emotional symptoms are generally present, and in PMDD, mood symptoms are dominant. Substantial disruption to personal relationships is typical for women with PMDD. Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include
  • feelings of deep sadness or despair, and suicide ideation
  • feelings of intense tension or anxiety
  • increased intense sensitivity to rejection or criticism
  • panic attacks
  • rapid and severe mood swings, bouts of uncontrollable crying
  • lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts; typically sufferers are unaware of the impact they have on those close to them
  • apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
  • difficulty concentrating
  • chronic fatigue
  • food cravings or binge eating
  • insomnia or hypersomnia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep
  • feeling overwhelmed or feelings of being out of control
  • increase or decrease in sex drive
  • increased need for emotional closeness
Common physical symptoms include:
  • breast tenderness or swelling, heart palpitations, headaches, joint or muscle pain, swollen face and nose
  • an altered view of one's body - a sensation of 'bloating', feeling fat or actual weight gain.

[copied from Wikipedia]

This is me, 100% and it's always nice to know the cause.

so this is more of me... for you to see. HA! Love me, I'm a monster! ;)

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