Friday, August 24, 2012

Staying Friends with the Ex('s)

I had a messy break-up a few years ago and things ended poorly. One person was really hurt, the other was just confused and done. The hurt one lashed out in anger and the confused one took that anger as a threat and cut all ties-- no contact. And that was good. That gave time for the hurt one to come to terms with what had happened and that also gave time for the confused one to get things figured out.
and that was that. Until a few weeks ago when all of the sudden he popped back into my life. All has been forgiven and it's nice to know that we have both moved on. There is something special about being forgiven because I was the confused one in that scenario.
I have decent relationships with all my ex's. Well, I wouldn't exactly say "relationships" but I would say that I'm friendly with all of them. Should I ever run into one on the street I would never hesitate to go over with a friendly hug and say hi. That's just who I am, I shared something with that person and though I may have moved on I am still connected on some level to that person. Like an old friend. I don't see the purpose in hating an ex, especially over time. Both parties did the best they could and well, we've all learnt a lot now, haven't we.
It's undeniable, you can't be friends right away. That's hard. There are still too many emotions and sometimes leftover expectations. There has to be space. No contact. I always preach to my friend "90 days, no contact!" when they go through a break-up. You can deal with the after math much better when your emotions are in check. I'm not usually the kind of girl who gets in touch in the following months after a break-up. I need to get my head straight, especially when I've been the one broken-up with.
I guess in a way when I know I can be friendly with my ex's I know that all doors have been closed, we all have our closure and the relationship is finally done because I no longer have any emotional ties-- love or hate. Yes, I believe that's it for me. A friend of mine always challenges me and says that I just can't let go, but I disagree. I feel as though I have let go of all of my ex's but I hate that feeling of not being able to do something. That when I see something, I can't openly write and say "Hey, thought you'd enjoy this!" or what not. Is that wrong? I don't feel like it is, it doesn't cause me hurt or anxiety. I feel good about it. It's never affected my relationship, especially as I've grown more as a person and I'm able to feel confident in my choices.
What do you think? Are you friends with your ex's? Do you hate them? Or could you careless.
** post inspired by Cup of Jo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hmmmm :) that's good.. sorta, hehe.. you could be better friends with some of them though and I think if you wanted to openly write and say Hey, you'd enjoy this (etc) then go for it :)

I am friends still with many exs. The only ones that I'm not really friends with are the ones that cheated I suppose, but even so I'd still say hello and stop for a chat in the street. Some exs I'm sort of neutral to, I'd call it neutral if you have a friendly chat and gday at the shops by coincidence..but otherwise wouldn't really have any inclination to talk. There's no pressure to stay friends of course if two people are vastly different with different lives and interests :)

Some exs though I still dearly love and are great friends with. Not the sorta love that I wanna be their partner and all that, no no, I can think of one of my nicest ex's who's still a good friend, I love her man just as much as I love her. They're both such wonderful people and I love to spend time with them, if they ever needed anything for a favour i'd be there, and when I visit their town or they visit this town we always catch up. Some people find that weird.. but I figure why deny myself the gift of great friendship just because she's an ex girlfriend! :D

I think if someone is your ex partner there's a potential to strike up a life long friendship. So why miss that!? : )

Ever thought about 'having to' be friends with an ex though? When my wife of ten years left, she'd been seeing someone else for a while so it was quite messy indeed; I was absolutely broken, but then I cracked and decided 'well that's enough, moving on now', and we split.. I wanted to just completely shut her out of my life, but I couldn't, it was so, so, so damn hard to stay nice and everything after all that, for the kids' sake though we HAD TO (I did fail that a few times..). It's going okay now, months later, but far out, I tell ya, phwar... so hard. Not sure how being friends with her will evolve over the rest of my life now, I wonder.. hmmm.

Poeple huh!? Aren't we strange haha!?