Friday, September 20, 2013


"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”Winston Churchill

Monday, September 16, 2013


I have always been told I should meditate. It would calm my mind. It would stop the obsessive thoughts and the worry and the anxiety and my butterfly/hummingbird energy would tone down and I would stop making myself and other uncomfortable with my awkward, high strung tendencies. My energy also finds itself to be creative and passionate but people are usually OK with that kind of stuff.
I have gone through stages in which I believe in somethings and not in others. I have always had trouble meditating. If it was guided or a form of art or walking, I could do it. But to sit still in a room and focus on a mantra or my breath, that was hard. But a good exercise none-the-less. For someone with a mind like mine that can run wild with anything it latches on too, being able to bring it back to a more Serene place could be the different between having restful nights sleep and not. I have the energy to survives weeks of not sleeping, that isn't the issues. The issue is just listening to the things my mind comes up with.
September seems to be a month for self transformation. I am trying to find what I really want and who I really want. I am trying to find my path and maybe some inner peace while I'm at it. There have been points in my life that I have over flowed with appreciation for beauty in everyday tings. There have been points in my life that people have called me relaxed and peaceful. There have been times when I used to recite chants to maximum vibration in hopes that it would "realign my chakras".
Tonight, I thought it was time to revisit these meditation things. Not ones that involved drawing or walking but ones that worked the muscle that allowed me to pull my thoughts back to where they should be. There was that benefit as well as being able to do some deep breathing which always helps and also include some forced relation into my day. None of those things will hurt me at all and if I give myself a small time frame to work towards, I can get a good idea if this might actually benefit me.
So I turned on some music with dreamy satire playing with drums, I turned the lights off and lite candles that smelled of spices and things I loved. I gave myself some time (10 minutes) and i sat and focused on the my breath in and out of my nose. It wasn't perfect but it also wasn't as awful as it has been in the past. I did have to move around twice and give a big body itch because everything, all at once decided it needed attention and being itchy was the way to go.
In no way did I gain enlightenment however, I do have a particular grounding in my head which I haven't had in a while. It might just be the buzz of following through with something or maybe it was all that breath... or how much I love Indian music.
I got up feeling motivated and craving curry, two things that are always welcome. I hope to make 9:00 for the next two weeks my time to meditate and hopefully I will have learned to sit through the whole 10 minutes without having to adjust my legs or itch my whole self. And hopefully I will have learned to control my mind better from it's obsessions. The over thinking about what I should do or want to do and what this person is doing and what would I do if this happened or ... well, you get the point.

Scared Shitless - Cake

This weekend was a shitless, scary weekend for me. Friday I went out, had fun and enjoyed a giant steak (made clean-- no garlic or onions or weird sauce) with potato's and a few glasses of wine. There is this sweet like place just a few blocks from me that is attached to an art gallery. I like to eat there because it's small, not too busy and the food is fantastic. Plus, they have a great wine list to boot! The menu changes seasonally (which is always nice) and is your typical version of Calgary sustainable and organic  style. Prior to this I had gone to historic Inglewood for their night market where a friend of mine from the jewellery days was selling her wares. I bought a ring, got in a hug and some good chats. It was nice.

That day was nice and I had been feeling so good and on top of the world most of the week. I was accountable, and doing motivating and scary things. I felt positive and on the up and up.

Saturday morning, I started to feel uneasy. I had taken a chance and eaten some ketchup (ewww, I know) with some fries the night before. That's a no-no on the FODMAP diet but I figured I was feeling better, I could try it. The next morning showed me different but only a little. I could tell there was a disturbance but I still made it to the gym for 7:00AM and then went grocery shopping and then home, made an "accountable phone call", ate some breakfast and then headed to a play that I was going too with my friend. There I drank wine and enjoy a fantastic production of Kim's Convieance. As soon as it was done, we left... I was maybe a block away and I knew I had an issue on my hands. I needed a washroom right away.

I did what I had to do and knew I could do no more. I jumped in a cab and asked him to drive me home which was 5 blocks away. I spent the night trying to get things back on track and the next day things seemed good. I was able to get to the store for 7:00AM and over to my parents for 8:30AM and then on with my life with hiking and whatnot. Arrived home, headed over to my sisters and then out to dinner. I was strict with my FODMAP's and didn't challenge myself at all. I felt good and by the time the day was over and it was time for cake, I felt as though I could do it all. I thought I could have a slice of cake... and damn if it wasn't all that and more that I had dreamed of since January.

It wasn't until 2:30AM that I start to regret it. I was having a dream about eating spicy and sweet Chinese food with meat and veggies. It was delicious but as most Chinese food does, it turns my tummy a little bit but then as I started to wake up I noticed that I wasn't eating Chinese food while camping, I was laying in bed and I had broken out in a cold sweat and my tummy was starting to hurt something awful. I went to the washroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realised that I was pale, and clammy looking.

a half hour later I felt better but couldn't sleep. Whatever it was (probably the cake) was still in my system and didn't stop letting me know that until around noon.

I went to work for the last part of the day. I felt fine minus the mistrust I have with my body. It was something I had eaten and it wasn't unfit food, it was a reaction. It's scary for me to leave the house after something like that happens. Not being able to trust ones body is the worst thing you can possible experience. What I want to do is stay tucked away in my place until I know it is safe to come out but I didn't today. I did the best I could with my tired eyes, put on a comfortable dress to lessen the discomfort from the bloating and walked out the door, focusing on the warmth on the sun and the autumn coolness of the wind. I tried to keep my mind present enough to see that all I needed to do was get to work in one piece because if I focused on trying to deal with my discomfort for 4 hours, I found it over whelming. "baby steps". I made it, all was good and I made it home. The more I push myself the more I relearn to trust my body. I have always been told I need to be more gentle with myself but there are some things that I know if I let them slip, it won't benefit anyone. This was one of them.

My reward for pushing myself was seeing an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time, I almost missed him walking up the sidewalk because I was so intent on just getting to work. I saw him again when I left work, it's funny how that happens.

Today's scary was: Pushing myself even when I didn't trust my self.

Due to the volatile nature of my digestive track these days, I don't trust it to cause me anyhting but discomfort. It has in the past treated me so well as I ate cinnamon bus with extra frosting and blood pudding and plates of cheese and chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can trust it, just right now that hasn't been the case. I worry about public embarrassment, about inconvenience and about being in an uncomfortable situation. I didn't want this to make me the butt end of someones bad joke or shocking day.

Scary Ranking: 6 out of 10 (and for bonus points for continued work on that accountability project I did a few days ago-- it's still in the works)

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Scared Shitless - Accountability

Yesterday I didn't post. I did something scary and at the time I thought to myself "This is perfect!" but things carried on and I went to see The Eagles (oh my goodness, they were amazing!) in concert and everything else was forgotten.
Today, I started my day with a slight hangover (a concert mixed with wine will do that to a person) and an overall cheery demeanor. I felt light on my feet and ready to start a new day and so something a little scary. I have had little triumphs of talking to someone I didn't know or acting on an impulse that I normally wouldn't. In the back of my mind though, past all these superficial scaries that I was doing... there was something bigger. Something dark and gray and looming over my life for the last year. I knew exactly what it was and I had done a stellar job of ignoring it. I knew my time was coming soon and I would have to deal with this issue sooner or later. I just had to stop picking later.
My fear was rooted in being accountable for something that I created. I normally don't have an issue with that but this, this bothered me. There was a wisp of self worth that was threaded through the situation and that made being accountable hard. I was terrified to address is. I didn't want to feel bad about myself, I didn't want to be responsible for the issue, I just wanted to cover my eyes and let it all go away. I have been through this 2 other times in my life, this time... it was 100% up to me.
So I took a breath, stepped up to the plate, and made a phone call and left a message. This call was about being accountable and standing up for my mistakes and taking owner ship of the issue and the errors. I picked up the phone and called another number, this time I got someone and I asked for help. I swallowed my pride and admitted that "I can't do this on my own" and they said "no worries, we have people who can help" and it was just that easy.
I felt better. For the first time in years, I sat down and looked at the numbers. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I can do this with or without help. Regardless, this time I will learn because this time I understand. This time feels different. This time, no one is helping me and I am doing this one my own.
Ignorance is bliss but Accountability is empowering. There is a time and place for both, and right now... as scary as the idea of it was, I feel stronger for facing it.
Today's scary was: Being accountable for my weakness.

It scares me because I didn't want to accept that I had messed up again. I didn't want to disappoint the people who have been proud of me in my life. I didn't want to listen to my mean self talk about being a loser. Note: At first I gave myself a hard time in my head, but now I am proud of myself for addressing it. I could have done it sooner, but at least I am doing it now.

Scary Ranking: 8 out of 10 I want to say 10-10 but I think there are other things I could do that would be scarier then this. This was up there though, so I give this scary an 8 because I still got weak in the knees and pits in my tummy.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Just a Typical Day-- Scared Shitless

Today I finished processing the commissions at work. I hate doing them. I joke about going into it with a bad attitude but really, it isn't a joke. It's a bunch of work I don't enjoy and even though it is now getting easier, it's taken a year to get to this point. I sent my BFF a text about how I hate commissions. It went like this (graphic language)
Me: I hate commissions
Her: Stupid Commissions
Me: yeah, stupid Commissions! F*ck you! F*CK YOU COMMISSIONS!
Her: Potty Mouth
Me: send her emoticon of a mouth and then the smiling pile of poop (you know what I mean if you have the emoticon on your phone
Her: Sends me smiling pile of poop and sexy kiss lips
Me: that looks like a shit kiss
Her: hahaha

and with this conversation of great intelligence, we eneded up 30 minutes later with 3 entries in Urban Dictionary and me, laughing out loud on a bench in a park. It was awesome and that's why I love my friend. No one will ever replace her because what 30 something person has a conversation like that for an hour?

I did end up finishing commissions some time in the afternoon (after, of course, finishing a bag of snack sized Smarties-- that's 24 boxes of Smarties) and felt a huge weight come off my shoulders. I had a nice conversation with one of my office mates about spiders and feeling things walk up your body in the dead of night. After work I went to the gym... I kept thinking to myself, "What kind of scary can I do today?"... I couldn't come up with anything that didn't register at a 9 or a 10. I thought that I could mention going to the gym because that always makes me a little nervous when I haven't been for a while. I don't know why, it just does. But I went and all was good, it always is good. I didn't get a chance to sign up for yoga but I'll do that tomorrow. I need to look at the schedule.

I came home, I made an amazing dinner where I use up all the stuff that I think will be going bad in the next day or so. Last night I made this wicked Pesto with a bunch of basil I could see was getting ready to turn on me. I didn't have pine nuts so I tossed in unsalted peanuts and some olive oil. Some fresh lemon juice, parm cheese and blended. With salt. I tossed it on some fresh tomatoes and BBQ chicken I had left over and I had an impressive and delicious lunch.

For dinner tonight I took the left over bacon, green onions, match stick carrots, red peppers, BBQ chicken and zucchini and tossed it in a pan. Threw on some crushed red pepper flakes, chopped up the rest of the fresh pineapple and threw that in there, fried up the one egg hanging out in the fridge and combined it all with rice and some soy sauce. Sounds weird but it was so tasty and I used up almost everything I had hanging around in the fridge. PLUS, I have lunch for tomorrow and it's all FODMAP free.

I played guitar, tidied up, and that's about it. I didn't do anything scary. I panicked a little in my head "Already I am failing at this" and then I realised, talking about the fact that I didn't do anything interesting today and didn't do a daily scary, that's scary to me. To admit mediocrity. I feel good today, I think I had a good day but... I didn't do something scary. So admitting that to you is scary for me (not a cop out excuse, for serious).

Today's scary was: Admitting that I couldn't find a challenge to do today and it's only the second day.

It scares me because I think I often have big ideas and I move on. I am concerned that it is seen as flaky and I don't think I am a flaky person, I just change my mind. I move on to something else. It happens but I do want to stick with this until the end of September at least but I am concerned that it is expected that I won't. It challenges my personal expectations and also, I don't like to disappoint myself or anyone else. I am proud that I am writing though, it's been a long time since I have.

Scary Ranking: 3 out of 10... It's concerning but since I am doing something about it, the scary ranking has lowered

Monday, September 9, 2013

Scared Shitless


Sometimes something happens to me where my life gets small and I get fed-up. It happens a lot, if you have followed my blogging in the past or just know me in real life, it is pretty likely that you have experienced this.

I get mad and flustered and I just want to do all these things but I have no idea how to do them or when and I am scared to do them at all.

it's the truth and it's sad for me and frustrating for people in my life.

I like to achieve things, I am motivated and competitive with myself (only-- I don't care to compete with others... it's not my thing) but I get stuck and scared. And then I get mad and sad. It doesn't help when my tummy acts up.

Well, this has been my life for the last 6 months and more so for the last year. I want it all and I think I am getting closer and further away from everything.

My tummy started acting up again in Feb and it has been a constant battle trying to reclaim some control over it. What doesn't help is a new type of anxiety kicked in and though it is different then what I went through a few years ago, it has some familiar strings.

Thankfully, I haven't lost very much weight at all and I have been firm with myself to ensure that I remain healthy. I have tired a special diet that has worked fairly well. It has thrown a huge fork into the spokes of the wheel of my life (food) but I am learning new passions (such as reclaiming my joy for cooking).

I am aware that there is a lack of people who challenge me in my life and so I have to find this in myself and that is hard. I am not sure if I want to change this, switch out support and comfort for challenge and change. I do know that I want different things then what I have now and so that is the driving force behind whatever it is that I do. I am struggling to remain positive about it and that is a difficult thing for me to admit. i am the queen of positivity and optimism but, recently.. I haven't felt that innocent, child-like flame in me.

Maybe it's my job, as it sucks the life out of me (I am not being dramatic, I have learnt so much including things that I do not want in my next job that I currently looking for).  Maybe it's my relationships and friendships.

There are a lot of maybes but the one thing that I know I do need to do  is, employ that whole "do one things that scares you a day". I don't... or at least I am a little easy on myself. If I am the only person in my life who challenges me, then I have better start being a little tougher. I'll never get anywhere if i don't. Or at least that is what I am thinking right now.

This all pops up because I just completed an extensive exam of what my skill are and what I should be doing with my life career wise. It was all over the map, and my education is a jar or potpourri. In this day and age, you can't even get a receptionist position without having a Ph.D (or so it seems) unless you know someone. Free work is something that I have been working on, to gain skills and connections but that is a slow process in it's own. I don't have all day, I want change now. This exam I took basically told me that I either should be an aviation repair person (or watch maker, which I have already done) or a house wife with hobbies. Well DAMN. That's just not going to work... even though it would be fun to work on airplanes all day long. I like to do things for people and I also like to fix things. I am good at that kind of stuff.

I know that having mini goals will make me feel better, I will feel satisfied because I will think that I am working towards something even though I have no idea what that really is. I also want to hold myself accountable and I would like you (who ever is reading this- shout out too Mr. Spambot) to help. I know my recent history with this blog hasn't shown much worth to my word and I might just post this and wait another 6 months to post again. The intention is there and if I can do it until the end of September, then that will at least be something.

What I am saying is:
I want to post everyday (lets be fair, 5 days out of 7- like any other job) about something that I did that scared me. And I did it. It's not for you to judge me on because what I find scary you might find rather simple and easy. I will rate the scary on a scale of 1-10. 1 being something small like, I have no idea... registering for yoga. I have done it before, I like it but it always worries me because I think everyone is going to hate me (what the heck do I tell myself in my head! That needs to stop..) so that means 10 is something like quitting my job or booking a solo trip or doing something terrifying that I need a shot of Wild Turkey just to get myself into it.

So that's the plan!

Today's scary was: Driving to the doctor and not looking at the map and totally getting lost and being OK with that. Or relatively OK with it.

This was scary because I don't like to drive when the roads are busy, I also like to look at my GPS and get my route planned out before I leave. I left and thought about looking at GPS after and then I realised that I really didn't know how to get from Point A to Point B and for this reason, I caught all the green lights and just had to go with it. No one honked and waving makes a huge difference when you cut people off or don't know which lane you need to be in. I survived. It had to be done and I would like to think less and do more.

Scary Ranking 5 out of 10 (I felt shaky when I got to the doctors but that also could have been from not eating lunch).

The End!