Monday, September 9, 2013

Scared Shitless


Sometimes something happens to me where my life gets small and I get fed-up. It happens a lot, if you have followed my blogging in the past or just know me in real life, it is pretty likely that you have experienced this.

I get mad and flustered and I just want to do all these things but I have no idea how to do them or when and I am scared to do them at all.

it's the truth and it's sad for me and frustrating for people in my life.

I like to achieve things, I am motivated and competitive with myself (only-- I don't care to compete with others... it's not my thing) but I get stuck and scared. And then I get mad and sad. It doesn't help when my tummy acts up.

Well, this has been my life for the last 6 months and more so for the last year. I want it all and I think I am getting closer and further away from everything.

My tummy started acting up again in Feb and it has been a constant battle trying to reclaim some control over it. What doesn't help is a new type of anxiety kicked in and though it is different then what I went through a few years ago, it has some familiar strings.

Thankfully, I haven't lost very much weight at all and I have been firm with myself to ensure that I remain healthy. I have tired a special diet that has worked fairly well. It has thrown a huge fork into the spokes of the wheel of my life (food) but I am learning new passions (such as reclaiming my joy for cooking).

I am aware that there is a lack of people who challenge me in my life and so I have to find this in myself and that is hard. I am not sure if I want to change this, switch out support and comfort for challenge and change. I do know that I want different things then what I have now and so that is the driving force behind whatever it is that I do. I am struggling to remain positive about it and that is a difficult thing for me to admit. i am the queen of positivity and optimism but, recently.. I haven't felt that innocent, child-like flame in me.

Maybe it's my job, as it sucks the life out of me (I am not being dramatic, I have learnt so much including things that I do not want in my next job that I currently looking for).  Maybe it's my relationships and friendships.

There are a lot of maybes but the one thing that I know I do need to do  is, employ that whole "do one things that scares you a day". I don't... or at least I am a little easy on myself. If I am the only person in my life who challenges me, then I have better start being a little tougher. I'll never get anywhere if i don't. Or at least that is what I am thinking right now.

This all pops up because I just completed an extensive exam of what my skill are and what I should be doing with my life career wise. It was all over the map, and my education is a jar or potpourri. In this day and age, you can't even get a receptionist position without having a Ph.D (or so it seems) unless you know someone. Free work is something that I have been working on, to gain skills and connections but that is a slow process in it's own. I don't have all day, I want change now. This exam I took basically told me that I either should be an aviation repair person (or watch maker, which I have already done) or a house wife with hobbies. Well DAMN. That's just not going to work... even though it would be fun to work on airplanes all day long. I like to do things for people and I also like to fix things. I am good at that kind of stuff.

I know that having mini goals will make me feel better, I will feel satisfied because I will think that I am working towards something even though I have no idea what that really is. I also want to hold myself accountable and I would like you (who ever is reading this- shout out too Mr. Spambot) to help. I know my recent history with this blog hasn't shown much worth to my word and I might just post this and wait another 6 months to post again. The intention is there and if I can do it until the end of September, then that will at least be something.

What I am saying is:
I want to post everyday (lets be fair, 5 days out of 7- like any other job) about something that I did that scared me. And I did it. It's not for you to judge me on because what I find scary you might find rather simple and easy. I will rate the scary on a scale of 1-10. 1 being something small like, I have no idea... registering for yoga. I have done it before, I like it but it always worries me because I think everyone is going to hate me (what the heck do I tell myself in my head! That needs to stop..) so that means 10 is something like quitting my job or booking a solo trip or doing something terrifying that I need a shot of Wild Turkey just to get myself into it.

So that's the plan!

Today's scary was: Driving to the doctor and not looking at the map and totally getting lost and being OK with that. Or relatively OK with it.

This was scary because I don't like to drive when the roads are busy, I also like to look at my GPS and get my route planned out before I leave. I left and thought about looking at GPS after and then I realised that I really didn't know how to get from Point A to Point B and for this reason, I caught all the green lights and just had to go with it. No one honked and waving makes a huge difference when you cut people off or don't know which lane you need to be in. I survived. It had to be done and I would like to think less and do more.

Scary Ranking 5 out of 10 (I felt shaky when I got to the doctors but that also could have been from not eating lunch).

The End!


Hazel said...

Everything scares me.

amourissima said...

Yes, sometimes I joke in my head that just living is my "do something everyday that scares you..."