Friday, May 23, 2014

When I Was 20

When I was in my 20's I was in love. A lot. And now that I'm in my 30's I don't have that feeling anymore. I can't decide what I like better, the excited, magnetic obsession that made me want to be a better person. More of a person. Or the confident, numb feeling that I have now. I have not a care in the world, I trust, I am confident, I am fulfilled but I'm numb. My mind wanders back to the people of my past and most of it is resolved and put away. However, there is one love that I can still feel and perhaps it's because I never was able to give whatever I exactly wanted. I was devoted even when I shouldn't have been.

And now, I feel loved by another but I don't feel it back. I can't decide if that's right or wrong. Do I even know what love is? My past experience has always been that of dramatic, emotional endeavours and now that I'm with a kind, gentle man I feel nothing that I even can register.

Maybe it's the spring in the air that has my mind wandering though my passage of time. Maybe it's the nostalgic music. Regardless, I'm in a relationship that I can talk openly about this so it's not really a secret. We talk and work through everything but yet, I still miss that enchanted feeling I had when I was 20.