Wednesday, November 4, 2015

I Used to Blog

I used to blog a lot when I had less to say. I found that I could make a lot out of nothing. I would tap into some inner narrative and just go with it; not thinking as my fingers danced across the keyboard. My spelling was bad, my grammar was worse, but my thoughts and stories still came through somehow.

And now I know more.

It's also possible that I might have lost what I once had because now I know more. There is a permanent haze that washes over my mind inflicting an internal auto-correct onto everything I think, read, and write. Like an photo filter that makes a better finished product by hides the raw, honest facts from the admirer.

Last year I tore down what I thought  I knew about the English Language; rules that I had made up in my head based on things I picked up a long the way. Punctuation, subject-verb agreements, modifiers, and antecedents became part of my day to day life. Things I looked for in everything I read and wrote. I would find errors in articles in magazines and would feel proud to catch something that an employed editor had missed. I developed new respect for people who used these hard and fast rules effortlessly in their communication, and judged those who lacked in similar ability. Even more so, I'll judge myself the harshest when I come across a tweet or message I had written with care 13 months ago.

I pride myself on being better than I once was.

I pride myself on knowing the difference between "then" and "than".

Effective October of this year, I am back in school. English is still on the agenda, and I am glad. I have moved past the basic foundation work and am now learning how to harness my personal thoughts into something more. Persuasive speeches, narrative essays... and on. I now have to develop my thoughts with creativity and direction, and employee my foundation tools to do it all. Make it all come together. But my mind is tired, and so are my thoughts. My motivation has been stretched paper thin due to other uncontrollable life events I am trying so hard to manage. I see that my personal life in all ways has taken a hit as I keep pushing myself to get through this whole thing. And most of the time I am far too tired to care. This will not be forever and whoever is standing there on the other end of this will be rewarded.

What I am doing is good for me, and I am proud of myself. The experience of learning as an adult is uncomparable to learning as a child or a young adult. I care more. I understand more. I can see the intention behind what I need to learn what I do. I am able to apply everything to events in my life. My vision of the world is far more open than it once was and I owe that to doing my studies at this time in my life. If you have ever wondered about going back to school as a mature student, my unsolicited advise is to go for it. There is no time like the present because if you don't start now, in 5 years you will have wished you had.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Guts

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> I wandered into a little independent bookstore close to my place while I was out for a walk in the weekend. My goal was to take a break from the heat since its been unseasonably hot since May. I looked around trying to appear as natural as possible since I wasn't keen on anyone approaching me to help me find something. I was just there to steal the coolness and then hopefully be on my way without any awkwardness that can sometimes arise in situations like these.
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> I looked at staff favourites which were mostly hipster books, and floated past the fiction books as I made my way to the back. At the back of this store they have their children's books, and in the collection of children's books they have a perfect shelf filled with dozens of different pop-up books. I know I could spend a comfortable amount of time with those!
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> Almost there, I took a detour down an aisle that homed religious material, dry political books, and autobiographies. One book with the word "GUTS" across the cover caught my eye.
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> Guts. I have guts! And my guts give me lots of trouble...
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> "Stunning New York Times bestseller"
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> Oooooo accolades!
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> "The endless follies and tiny triumphs of a giant disaster"
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> I can relate to this!
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> "By Kristen Johnston"
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> ... Who is that? Is that the woman who played that alien on that 90's show with John Lithgow?
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> Honestly, I was confused and s little intrigued; Who is this woman who I've never given much thought to who wrote a book with such high reviews being sold in a trendy hipster bookstore?
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> I contemplated buying the book for a moment and then put it down. I wanted to look at the pop-up books. I finally made it to the back of the store and opened up a beautiful book on The Little Prince. I was distracted by Guts, though-- so I went back. I took another moment to convince myself to buy it and committed to the sale.
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> I went straight home and started reading it. I
> Didn't put it down for 4 hours. I read through the book like I was drinking water on a hot summer day. It was hilarious, emotional, and honest. I had such a strong feeling of empathy for Kristen and like a "knowing" of who she actually was. I finished the book in a few days and even read the "appreciations" and "photo credit" section of the book. I didn't want it to end.
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> I can't really explain in a clear way why this book became what it did for me, but I loved it. I wanted to flip the pages back to the front and read it all over again. The beauty of being honest about your truths is always an inspiring story for me, as well as learning to be in the world as a healthy and happy human. This book touches so perfectly on that for me.
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> I haven't written a blog post in such a long time, but this one seemed necessary to me. It's not a review; I just wanted to talk about it. I also wanted to post something that I hope will stay with me forever:
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