I used to blog a lot when I had less to say. I found that I could make a lot out of nothing. I would tap into some inner narrative and just go with it; not thinking as my fingers danced across the keyboard. My spelling was bad, my grammar was worse, but my thoughts and stories still came through somehow.
And now I know more.
It's also possible that I might have lost what I once had because now I know more. There is a permanent haze that washes over my mind inflicting an internal auto-correct onto everything I think, read, and write. Like an photo filter that makes a better finished product by hides the raw, honest facts from the admirer.
Last year I tore down what I thought I knew about the English Language; rules that I had made up in my head based on things I picked up a long the way. Punctuation, subject-verb agreements, modifiers, and antecedents became part of my day to day life. Things I looked for in everything I read and wrote. I would find errors in articles in magazines and would feel proud to catch something that an employed editor had missed. I developed new respect for people who used these hard and fast rules effortlessly in their communication, and judged those who lacked in similar ability. Even more so, I'll judge myself the harshest when I come across a tweet or message I had written with care 13 months ago.
I pride myself on being better than I once was.
I pride myself on knowing the difference between "then" and "than".
Effective October of this year, I am back in school. English is still on the agenda, and I am glad. I have moved past the basic foundation work and am now learning how to harness my personal thoughts into something more. Persuasive speeches, narrative essays... and on. I now have to develop my thoughts with creativity and direction, and employee my foundation tools to do it all. Make it all come together. But my mind is tired, and so are my thoughts. My motivation has been stretched paper thin due to other uncontrollable life events I am trying so hard to manage. I see that my personal life in all ways has taken a hit as I keep pushing myself to get through this whole thing. And most of the time I am far too tired to care. This will not be forever and whoever is standing there on the other end of this will be rewarded.
What I am doing is good for me, and I am proud of myself. The experience of learning as an adult is uncomparable to learning as a child or a young adult. I care more. I understand more. I can see the intention behind what I need to learn what I do. I am able to apply everything to events in my life. My vision of the world is far more open than it once was and I owe that to doing my studies at this time in my life. If you have ever wondered about going back to school as a mature student, my unsolicited advise is to go for it. There is no time like the present because if you don't start now, in 5 years you will have wished you had.