The Things that Went Right

This morning as I reflect in yesterday I think about the post I did
and what three things that went right yesterday. It was a rainy, quiet
day and nothing stands out right away so I have to dig a little deeper
to find them:

1) I went shopping at lunch for my brother's birthday gift and a
Father's Day gift. I found everything I needed and then some! I stayed
within my budget, I had wicked customer service and was out and back
to the office within a half hour. A perfect trip to the mall if you
ask me.

2) the dinner I made last night was a semi fail. I can cook just about
anything *except* steak. Half my battle is trying to do it on a George
Foreman grill which steams the steak more then sears it. I have tried
the oven but find that's such a major endeavor-- I need a BBQ. I did
however blow myself away with my smashed potatoes-- I picked these
beautiful little Poplar Bluff butter potatoes-- yum. And my tomato
salad had these fantastic fresh basil in it that was strong and spicy.
that alone made the dinner fantastic even thought the steak was still
a 6/10 (I did master the perfect medium rare though).

3) my body treated me right yesterday and that's always a win in my head!

What Went Well

I read this post today about doing things that bring further feelings of happiness to our lives. Nothing wrong with that!

I have often been a believer of expressing gratitude because the release of energy (of any kind) is very therapeutic. It's a good way to live a life of no regrets and the best way to wake-up in the morning truly feeling like you have a fresh page to start your day with.

Another thing that the article mentioned was to post 3 things that went well in the day. I like that better then being gracious about things. It's a nice way to re-frame your day even if you are already in a negative space because if you've had a nasty kind of day, it can be hard to feel grateful but it can be easy to see where things went right.

Things that went right yesterday:

I decided to switch my gym day to Friday so I could go for my lunch time walk on Thursday. This was motivated by wanting to get some sun on my face. It was perfect because yesterday the morning cloud had burned off enough to let out a gentle warmth from the sun. I enjoyed a peaceful walk along the river with the sun touching my skin. Today, it's a beautiful rainy, June day. I might have still gone for a walk at lunch with my umbrella and boots but instead, I went to the mall and bought some awesome gifts for a birthday and Father's Day. Then I'll leave work early tonight and head to the gym before I go home. Perfect!

Yesterday after work I went to the children's hospital. I had 2 big boxes of brand new, unwrapped toys to donate. I didn't call ahead, I just looked on their website and showed up. Got to park right in front, walk in and drop them off. It was easy and quick and it was nice to finally get the boxes out of my kitchen. I also felt good donating toys that I think the children would like.

and the last thing that went right yesterday was going out to eat. I got a seat at The Ship during opening day of The World Cup. That's pretty good, if you ask me!

I'm not sure if I will take the time to make this list everyday, I guess I could since I can easily email things from my phone that turn into post. Knowing me and this blog though, my commitment level is much lower for whatever reason. I was more committed to other blogs in the last 3 or 4 years.

That could change, we will see. In other news though, went are 3 things that went right in your day?

When I Was 20

When I was in my 20's I was in love. A lot. And now that I'm in my 30's I don't have that feeling anymore. I can't decide what I like better, the excited, magnetic obsession that made me want to be a better person. More of a person. Or the confident, numb feeling that I have now. I have not a care in the world, I trust, I am confident, I am fulfilled but I'm numb. My mind wanders back to the people of my past and most of it is resolved and put away. However, there is one love that I can still feel and perhaps it's because I never was able to give whatever I exactly wanted. I was devoted even when I shouldn't have been.

And now, I feel loved by another but I don't feel it back. I can't decide if that's right or wrong. Do I even know what love is? My past experience has always been that of dramatic, emotional endeavours and now that I'm with a kind, gentle man I feel nothing that I even can register.

Maybe it's the spring in the air that has my mind wandering though my passage of time. Maybe it's the nostalgic music. Regardless, I'm in a relationship that I can talk openly about this so it's not really a secret. We talk and work through everything but yet, I still miss that enchanted feeling I had when I was 20.

Making Goals

I am thinking about what my main goals will be for 2014, I haven't really decided because I did a lot last year, a lot that was unexpected (thanks to that Scary September thing I did for a few weeks-- really shook things up!) and a lot was over due.

 

I think I am starting fresh and strong; no residual baggage really. Here are some pointers though that I want to keep in mind over all, I try to keep them foreground for me but often, it is easy to get distracted.

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.
– Abraham Lincoln
1. Begin. – Remember the feeling you get from taking the first step is far better than the feeling you get from sitting around thinking about it. So get up and get moving. Take the first step this year – just one small step forward. The greatest miracle of your success will not be that you finished, it will be that you had the courage to begin. 

2. Work hard on the essential. – Don’t be busy, be productive. Don’t track your time, track your results. Put first things first and get them done. And don’t expect your goal to be easy; it’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard you would already have it completed, and so would everyone else. The hard part is what makes it worthwhile. In life there are no shortcuts to any place worth going. 

3. Stay true to your path. – A successful life is one that is lived through understanding and pursuing one’s own path, not chasing after the dreams of others. You have to do what’s right for you; no one else walks in your shoes. Keep moving forward, beyond the negative rhetoric echoing from the peanut gallery. Do what you have to do, for you. Live a life you are proud of. And the moment you realize you’re not, find the strength to start over again on a new path.

4. Nurture your self-confidence. – You have everything you need within you to become the best possible version of YOU. Believe that you CAN. Believe that you’re capable of pushing harder and farther than you have before. Believe that you’re young enough, old enough, smart enough and strong enough to achieve your goals. Don’t let false beliefs stop you from moving beyond yourself. And certainly don’t get sidetracked by the people around you who are not on track. 

5. Be sincerely kind to those around you. – Kindness in words creates positivity. Kindness in thinking creates confidence. Kindness in giving creates love. Through kindness you have the ability to make a profound difference in every life you touch, including your own. When you guide someone who is lost and confused, when you hold someone who is sad and grieving, when you hug someone who has lost all their hope, you too will feel yourself healing and growing stronger. Remember, the vast majority of positive changes come about in someone’s life simply because one other person cares for them, believes in them, and motivates them. So be that other person when you can.

These things are important to me. Start, be productive, be honest with yourself, believe in yourself and be kind and honest with others. I believe that these are the makings of a satisfying life for me.

What is important to you? Do you reflect upon yourself and your life at the start of a New Year?

Car Crashes

My heart is a little broken. I was on my twitter this evening and saw
as people tried to make their commute home in all the snow, there was
an accident. Within the volume emergency vehicles were trying to get
from the accident to the hospital. The children's hospital. Two
children under the age of 4 were injured in a complete freak accident
and emergency crews were trying to get through highly congested, snow
clogged roads. A plea came out on twitter to drivers to be patient, to
allow emergency crews through and the city obeyed.

It wasn't enough though. It broke my heart to see the news that one of
the children involved didn't make it. They passed away and nothing
could be done. I couldn't help but think to myself what the parents
must be thinking. Just hours ago they might have been thinking about
dinner, the traffic, how they hated the snow and all the other
drivers. They might have been thinking about Christmas, worried about
getting everything done and annoyed the didn't win the 100 million
dollar lottery. Big thoughts at the time but now, they must feel so
petty.

I can't help but project how I might feel being in that situation. It
breaks my heart and I cry for the people who survived. For the
relatives whose lives won't ever be the same, that of the driver of
the car with the children that go hit, the driver of the truck that
loft control and did the hitting. All of it, I imagine might be hard
and I am do sorry that any of you have to go through it.

I wanted to talk about this for no reason other then sadness over the
news. Twitter doesn't give me space or privacy it once did but my blog
does. A place to come and air my head.

Lucky

I am lucky. Lucky to be able to eat foods based on digestive comfort
not on strictly for survival. I am lucky that I can complain about
being too full. About having an abundance in my kitchen and still not
thinking I have "anything to eat". I feel that I am lucky that I can
be choosy (and maybe some might call this "spoilt") and only eat the
tops of my broccoli and not eat the stems of my spinach. I am lucky
because I can go to the grocery store and buy anything I want. I am
lucky because I can go to the grocery store-- period. I am lucky
because I have options and choices.

As a country most of us can eat based on taste, not just for survival.
Food has become a form of entertainment and we are so blessed because
of that. I know this sounds strange but it hits me sometimes just how
lucky I feel to have so much in front of me. I have grown to be
resourceful with what I have and waste less then ever before because
its important to me not to take this for granted. To take any of this
for granted. I want to enjoy it (and I do) but now from a place of
survival first and taste second. Priorities have changed and that has
made other things sharper in my mind.

And it's a nice feeling to be so lucky.

Foodie in Recovery

I have been called a "Foodie"... and I can't stand the word. I have a past of eating out, being excited by food combinations created by talented chefs which are presented to me in mini master pieces of contemporary art. I can read a menu and know what everything is, regardless of the flowery writing. I am excited by things like "beef heart tar-tar with boar blood gilato" or "bone marrow and foire with Parmesan mousse". If I were to put it simply, the more disgusting the combination, the better. I have spent hours at work looking at pictures of food before the term "food porn" was even a thing. I talk about food while I eat, I got on vacations just because of restaurants I want to try. 

Food has exploded in my life and taken over. I am not proud... because really, it's just food. 

At the start of the year, I am sure if you follow my unscheduled writings, you will see that my digestive track took a turn on me. I had been through this a few years ago and came out relatively unscathed however, when it returned again I wasn't so lucky. I was a little wiser this time and I knew that I had to stop eating as I was. It was training on my quality of life and on my pocket book ($100 meals 2 or 3 times a week isn't a good start to my 30's). So I adopted a new eating plan. I adjusted to the diagnoses I have received a few times in my life that I have IBS and it was time that I start eating for it. First things first, get rid of wheat, garlic, onions, fructose and dairy. I had no idea what to eat! My diet was 95% wheat mixed with garlic/onions/fructose/diary and 5% fat mixed with garlic/onions/fructose/dairy. 

So I changed and I got creative with my food. I adapted actually and my symptoms actually started to become predictable. I could control them as apposed to crossing my fingers as I lick the last bit of butter off my fingers and hoping for the best. I stopped eating out, my world in the land of expensive restaurants and arrogant chefs started to lose its interest and I started to enjoy my own creativity. 

I sit back and watch though, as this culture of people with twitter and Instagram and all other types of things share their experience. I enjoy looking at good pictures of food and reading about the ingenious ways things are combined but as I watch the guests next to me when I go out, they are lost in their phones as those post this picture and that. Plus, lets face it... food is a hard thing to take pictures of. I don't usually post pictures of it because I know that I have no clue what I'm doing and it does NOT look good. Look at Martha Stewart who right now has a Buzzfeed dedicated to her Twitter feed of pictures-- most of them looking like a dog breakfast that has been vomited up (gross, I know). 

I love food, but in no way am I a foodie. I don't want to be one. I don't know all the different types of Himalayan salts (I just know why it's pink). I can appreciate human talent and there is something so beautiful and easy about creating food as an art form so that others can experience something amazing. It is easy to be passionate about something that is so easy to experience and share. But it doesn't have to be fancy, rare or disgusting to be good. My favorite grilled cheese sandwich isn't make on organic sprouted wheat and spelt sourdough bread made from a starter dating back the the days of Jesus himself. The cheese wasn't cultivated by monks in Spain from one small flock of sheep that only eat tuna heads during mating season. There is no truffle. There is no fig. It's plain, fluffy white bread with processed cheese and it is grilled to a beautiful buttery brown. It is heaven as I eat it. And I get this from some food court near my work. 

I'm not really sure what I'm saying here, really. I guess in a way, though I have never really like the term "foodie" I may actually have been one, and might still be one in my own way.  I love food but I don't want to be part of a group. I want to cook for people I love. I want to nourish their bodies and their souls. I want to share these experience with them and I don't care if there isn't a single picture taken. Right now I am planning a party that might actually include tuna fish sandwiches. I will probably use the canned stuff from Safeway and maybe, if people are lucky... I will have white and brown bread (plus Gluten Free for those who can't tolerate wheat). But I will probably make my own mayo and the sandwiches will be cut into shapes (Note: the party theme is based on last meals of famous people). 

If there is a Foodie in me, it's in recovery. Food has become less about taste and more of a function of energy. Things taste good now because I know I have to eat them. It's sad in a way to go through life like that but I also imagine that it's responsible. My quality of life is better because I feel good, I have a better understanding of waste-- I almost never throw food away because it never has a chance to get bad. I remake my leftovers and I call my cooking style macafouchette (or "weird"... if you text me and ask me what I'm making for dinner you might get something back like "weird potato pancake). All of these things are good things; though different. Change is nice and I am happy and just don't call me a "foodie". 

Winds of Change... Again.

The last we really talked I was doing scary stuff everyday, 5 days a week. That was in September and because of that, things got a little crazy. It became a catalyst for a bunch of stuff I had been meaning to do and started doing. So I got crazy busy and had to focus on the reactions to my actions.

 

I've also been dealing with my stomach again but I think I have told you this previously. At the start of the year, I went from being able to eat anything and all things that I wanted to unpredictable digestive issues which resulted in some close calls. Having dealt with this a few times in my life I realised that maybe the diagnoses that I have IBS is something to consider.

 

So in May I started the elimination phase of the FODMAP diet. Well, this has changed my life. I still have digestive issues but the thing is, I only lost 10 lbs in 6 months rather then the 25 lbs I lost in 6 weeks two years ago. What I have discovered is there are certain foods I can eat and others I can not. I have stopped eating out as much as I did and I have started to cook big, tasty meals daily. Yes, I miss the social aspect of going out like I did but I feel great-- way better digestive wise than I did at the start of the year. Plus, I love experimenting and getting creative with my food. I have never cooked meat in my life until this year, and I love it.

 

So I feel good, I am saving loads of money and getting creative. I am gaining new skills and just doing well.

 

It's been really important to me that I take care of myself this year. It's been difficult coming to that place in my head that this is where I was going with everything I was doing but now that I had, I am good. A big shift has occurred. The people who do me no good in my life have been phasing out. Friends who are stuck in the drinking phase of their life or don't have the same drive and goals are going in a different direction than me. I want different things now and that's what I am moving towards. It's just natural for some people to not be part of that journey.

So that's just a quick little thing about what's going on.. this blog has become a weird place over the last few years. It just takes its own form as my life goes from this place to that. Like an online diary.

I keep some of the more personal things out of here now because everyone doesn't need to know everything at this time. Anyways,I have to move on with my day and get some more work done. Hopefully there will be shift with this soon too.

love,

B.

The Fear of Not Being

 "Sometimes I dream of a tree, and the tree is my life. One branch is the man I shall marry and the leaves my children. Another branch is my future as a writer and each leaf is a poem. Another branch is a glittering academic career. But as I sit there, trying to choose, the leaves begin to turn brown, and blow away until the tree is absolutely bare." 

Sylvia Plath

You've Got Time

Sometimes I stay up too late playing love songs on the guitar. I can't help it. I play all these sappy songs that I sing to myself in the car. It's delightful  to be able to reproduce them my way through something I have learned over the years. I sometimes imagine that one day, when I get married, I'll be cheesy and play a song for my future husband. There are some songs that I won't play for anyone because I am saving it for that one person who I feel that way for. It's so silly but that's a true confession.

 

And I shouldn't be blogging right now. But I am. And I'm listening to that Regina Spektor song from Orange is the New Black. Which I tried to learn but it felt too angry for me to want to learn. Especially at the after midnight time.

 

 

That's not really a love song but a song about cross roads and things getting in the way.

 

Anyway, I just thought I would come over here and write a little thing. I have been doing scary things  and now that it is October I can so of relish the changes. The bigger ones I'm waiting to complete and that's good. I will hear words on that in a week I think.

 

It came to my understanding that I need to constantly have something to be working on in my life to feel fulfilled. Does that sound exhausting? I like to have the drive of doing things. As much as I love playing the guitar, it's a relaxing hobby and sometimes I can hear the improvement in my playing and that fills me with pride but nothing matches that feeling of being able to play those first 3 chords together that actually sound like a song. Now, even as I work on writing my own stuff... it's just changed for me.

 

I'm just rambling because I feel like writing. I should go to sleep so I can wake up early, go to the gym and then head over to the gem and mineral show. I'm really excited about that... there is this geek in me that digs rocks and stones. First, sleep must come and refresh me.

I write weird things...

 

Good night.

Encouragement

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ― Winston Churchill

Meditation

I have always been told I should meditate. It would calm my mind. It would stop the obsessive thoughts and the worry and the anxiety and my butterfly/hummingbird energy would tone down and I would stop making myself and other uncomfortable with my awkward, high strung tendencies. My energy also finds itself to be creative and passionate but people are usually OK with that kind of stuff.

 

I have gone through stages in which I believe in somethings and not in others. I have always had trouble meditating. If it was guided or a form of art or walking, I could do it. But to sit still in a room and focus on a mantra or my breath, that was hard. But a good exercise none-the-less. For someone with a mind like mine that can run wild with anything it latches on too, being able to bring it back to a more Serene place could be the different between having restful nights sleep and not. I have the energy to survives weeks of not sleeping, that isn't the issues. The issue is just listening to the things my mind comes up with.

 

September seems to be a month for self transformation. I am trying to find what I really want and who I really want. I am trying to find my path and maybe some inner peace while I'm at it. There have been points in my life that I have over flowed with appreciation for beauty in everyday tings. There have been points in my life that people have called me relaxed and peaceful. There have been times when I used to recite chants to maximum vibration in hopes that it would "realign my chakras".

 

Tonight, I thought it was time to revisit these meditation things. Not ones that involved drawing or walking but ones that worked the muscle that allowed me to pull my thoughts back to where they should be. There was that benefit as well as being able to do some deep breathing which always helps and also include some forced relation into my day. None of those things will hurt me at all and if I give myself a small time frame to work towards, I can get a good idea if this might actually benefit me.

 

So I turned on some music with dreamy satire playing with drums, I turned the lights off and lite candles that smelled of spices and things I loved. I gave myself some time (10 minutes) and i sat and focused on the my breath in and out of my nose. It wasn't perfect but it also wasn't as awful as it has been in the past. I did have to move around twice and give a big body itch because everything, all at once decided it needed attention and being itchy was the way to go.

 

In no way did I gain enlightenment however, I do have a particular grounding in my head which I haven't had in a while. It might just be the buzz of following through with something or maybe it was all that breath... or how much I love Indian music.

 

I got up feeling motivated and craving curry, two things that are always welcome. I hope to make 9:00 for the next two weeks my time to meditate and hopefully I will have learned to sit through the whole 10 minutes without having to adjust my legs or itch my whole self. And hopefully I will have learned to control my mind better from it's obsessions. The over thinking about what I should do or want to do and what this person is doing and what would I do if this happened or ... well, you get the point.

Scared Shitless - Cake

This weekend was a shitless, scary weekend for me. Friday I went out, had fun and enjoyed a giant steak (made clean-- no garlic or onions or weird sauce) with potato's and a few glasses of wine. There is this sweet like place just a few blocks from me that is attached to an art gallery. I like to eat there because it's small, not too busy and the food is fantastic. Plus, they have a great wine list to boot! The menu changes seasonally (which is always nice) and is your typical version of Calgary sustainable and organic  style. Prior to this I had gone to historic Inglewood for their night market where a friend of mine from the jewellery days was selling her wares. I bought a ring, got in a hug and some good chats. It was nice.

That day was nice and I had been feeling so good and on top of the world most of the week. I was accountable, and doing motivating and scary things. I felt positive and on the up and up.

Saturday morning, I started to feel uneasy. I had taken a chance and eaten some ketchup (ewww, I know) with some fries the night before. That's a no-no on the FODMAP diet but I figured I was feeling better, I could try it. The next morning showed me different but only a little. I could tell there was a disturbance but I still made it to the gym for 7:00AM and then went grocery shopping and then home, made an "accountable phone call", ate some breakfast and then headed to a play that I was going too with my friend. There I drank wine and enjoy a fantastic production of Kim's Convieance. As soon as it was done, we left... I was maybe a block away and I knew I had an issue on my hands. I needed a washroom right away.

I did what I had to do and knew I could do no more. I jumped in a cab and asked him to drive me home which was 5 blocks away. I spent the night trying to get things back on track and the next day things seemed good. I was able to get to the store for 7:00AM and over to my parents for 8:30AM and then on with my life with hiking and whatnot. Arrived home, headed over to my sisters and then out to dinner. I was strict with my FODMAP's and didn't challenge myself at all. I felt good and by the time the day was over and it was time for cake, I felt as though I could do it all. I thought I could have a slice of cake... and damn if it wasn't all that and more that I had dreamed of since January.

It wasn't until 2:30AM that I start to regret it. I was having a dream about eating spicy and sweet Chinese food with meat and veggies. It was delicious but as most Chinese food does, it turns my tummy a little bit but then as I started to wake up I noticed that I wasn't eating Chinese food while camping, I was laying in bed and I had broken out in a cold sweat and my tummy was starting to hurt something awful. I went to the washroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realised that I was pale, and clammy looking.

a half hour later I felt better but couldn't sleep. Whatever it was (probably the cake) was still in my system and didn't stop letting me know that until around noon.

I went to work for the last part of the day. I felt fine minus the mistrust I have with my body. It was something I had eaten and it wasn't unfit food, it was a reaction. It's scary for me to leave the house after something like that happens. Not being able to trust ones body is the worst thing you can possible experience. What I want to do is stay tucked away in my place until I know it is safe to come out but I didn't today. I did the best I could with my tired eyes, put on a comfortable dress to lessen the discomfort from the bloating and walked out the door, focusing on the warmth on the sun and the autumn coolness of the wind. I tried to keep my mind present enough to see that all I needed to do was get to work in one piece because if I focused on trying to deal with my discomfort for 4 hours, I found it over whelming. "baby steps". I made it, all was good and I made it home. The more I push myself the more I relearn to trust my body. I have always been told I need to be more gentle with myself but there are some things that I know if I let them slip, it won't benefit anyone. This was one of them.

My reward for pushing myself was seeing an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time, I almost missed him walking up the sidewalk because I was so intent on just getting to work. I saw him again when I left work, it's funny how that happens.

Today's scary was: Pushing myself even when I didn't trust my self.

Due to the volatile nature of my digestive track these days, I don't trust it to cause me anyhting but discomfort. It has in the past treated me so well as I ate cinnamon bus with extra frosting and blood pudding and plates of cheese and chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can trust it, just right now that hasn't been the case. I worry about public embarrassment, about inconvenience and about being in an uncomfortable situation. I didn't want this to make me the butt end of someones bad joke or shocking day.

Scary Ranking: 6 out of 10 (and for bonus points for continued work on that accountability project I did a few days ago-- it's still in the works)

Scared Shitless - Accountability

Yesterday I didn't post. I did something scary and at the time I thought to myself "This is perfect!" but things carried on and I went to see The Eagles (oh my goodness, they were amazing!) in concert and everything else was forgotten.

 

Today, I started my day with a slight hangover (a concert mixed with wine will do that to a person) and an overall cheery demeanor. I felt light on my feet and ready to start a new day and so something a little scary. I have had little triumphs of talking to someone I didn't know or acting on an impulse that I normally wouldn't. In the back of my mind though, past all these superficial scaries that I was doing... there was something bigger. Something dark and gray and looming over my life for the last year. I knew exactly what it was and I had done a stellar job of ignoring it. I knew my time was coming soon and I would have to deal with this issue sooner or later. I just had to stop picking later.

 

My fear was rooted in being accountable for something that I created. I normally don't have an issue with that but this, this bothered me. There was a wisp of self worth that was threaded through the situation and that made being accountable hard. I was terrified to address is. I didn't want to feel bad about myself, I didn't want to be responsible for the issue, I just wanted to cover my eyes and let it all go away. I have been through this 2 other times in my life, this time... it was 100% up to me.

 

So I took a breath, stepped up to the plate, and made a phone call and left a message. This call was about being accountable and standing up for my mistakes and taking owner ship of the issue and the errors. I picked up the phone and called another number, this time I got someone and I asked for help. I swallowed my pride and admitted that "I can't do this on my own" and they said "no worries, we have people who can help" and it was just that easy.

 

I felt better. For the first time in years, I sat down and looked at the numbers. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I can do this with or without help. Regardless, this time I will learn because this time I understand. This time feels different. This time, no one is helping me and I am doing this one my own.

 

Ignorance is bliss but Accountability is empowering. There is a time and place for both, and right now... as scary as the idea of it was, I feel stronger for facing it.

 

Today's scary was: Being accountable for my weakness.

It scares me because I didn't want to accept that I had messed up again. I didn't want to disappoint the people who have been proud of me in my life. I didn't want to listen to my mean self talk about being a loser. Note: At first I gave myself a hard time in my head, but now I am proud of myself for addressing it. I could have done it sooner, but at least I am doing it now.

 

Scary Ranking: 8 out of 10 I want to say 10-10 but I think there are other things I could do that would be scarier then this. This was up there though, so I give this scary an 8 because I still got weak in the knees and pits in my tummy.

Just a Typical Day-- Scared Shitless

Today I finished processing the commissions at work. I hate doing them. I joke about going into it with a bad attitude but really, it isn't a joke. It's a bunch of work I don't enjoy and even though it is now getting easier, it's taken a year to get to this point. I sent my BFF a text about how I hate commissions. It went like this (graphic language)
Me: I hate commissions
Her: Stupid Commissions
Me: yeah, stupid Commissions! F*ck you! F*CK YOU COMMISSIONS!
Her: Potty Mouth
Me: send her emoticon of a mouth and then the smiling pile of poop (you know what I mean if you have the emoticon on your phone
Her: Sends me smiling pile of poop and sexy kiss lips
Me: that looks like a shit kiss
Her: hahaha

and with this conversation of great intelligence, we eneded up 30 minutes later with 3 entries in Urban Dictionary and me, laughing out loud on a bench in a park. It was awesome and that's why I love my friend. No one will ever replace her because what 30 something person has a conversation like that for an hour?

I did end up finishing commissions some time in the afternoon (after, of course, finishing a bag of snack sized Smarties-- that's 24 boxes of Smarties) and felt a huge weight come off my shoulders. I had a nice conversation with one of my office mates about spiders and feeling things walk up your body in the dead of night. After work I went to the gym... I kept thinking to myself, "What kind of scary can I do today?"... I couldn't come up with anything that didn't register at a 9 or a 10. I thought that I could mention going to the gym because that always makes me a little nervous when I haven't been for a while. I don't know why, it just does. But I went and all was good, it always is good. I didn't get a chance to sign up for yoga but I'll do that tomorrow. I need to look at the schedule.

I came home, I made an amazing dinner where I use up all the stuff that I think will be going bad in the next day or so. Last night I made this wicked Pesto with a bunch of basil I could see was getting ready to turn on me. I didn't have pine nuts so I tossed in unsalted peanuts and some olive oil. Some fresh lemon juice, parm cheese and blended. With salt. I tossed it on some fresh tomatoes and BBQ chicken I had left over and I had an impressive and delicious lunch.

For dinner tonight I took the left over bacon, green onions, match stick carrots, red peppers, BBQ chicken and zucchini and tossed it in a pan. Threw on some crushed red pepper flakes, chopped up the rest of the fresh pineapple and threw that in there, fried up the one egg hanging out in the fridge and combined it all with rice and some soy sauce. Sounds weird but it was so tasty and I used up almost everything I had hanging around in the fridge. PLUS, I have lunch for tomorrow and it's all FODMAP free.

I played guitar, tidied up, and that's about it. I didn't do anything scary. I panicked a little in my head "Already I am failing at this" and then I realised, talking about the fact that I didn't do anything interesting today and didn't do a daily scary, that's scary to me. To admit mediocrity. I feel good today, I think I had a good day but... I didn't do something scary. So admitting that to you is scary for me (not a cop out excuse, for serious).

Today's scary was: Admitting that I couldn't find a challenge to do today and it's only the second day.

It scares me because I think I often have big ideas and I move on. I am concerned that it is seen as flaky and I don't think I am a flaky person, I just change my mind. I move on to something else. It happens but I do want to stick with this until the end of September at least but I am concerned that it is expected that I won't. It challenges my personal expectations and also, I don't like to disappoint myself or anyone else. I am proud that I am writing though, it's been a long time since I have.

Scary Ranking: 3 out of 10... It's concerning but since I am doing something about it, the scary ranking has lowered

Scared Shitless

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!

Sometimes something happens to me where my life gets small and I get fed-up. It happens a lot, if you have followed my blogging in the past or just know me in real life, it is pretty likely that you have experienced this.

I get mad and flustered and I just want to do all these things but I have no idea how to do them or when and I am scared to do them at all.

it's the truth and it's sad for me and frustrating for people in my life.

I like to achieve things, I am motivated and competitive with myself (only-- I don't care to compete with others... it's not my thing) but I get stuck and scared. And then I get mad and sad. It doesn't help when my tummy acts up.

Well, this has been my life for the last 6 months and more so for the last year. I want it all and I think I am getting closer and further away from everything.

My tummy started acting up again in Feb and it has been a constant battle trying to reclaim some control over it. What doesn't help is a new type of anxiety kicked in and though it is different then what I went through a few years ago, it has some familiar strings.

Thankfully, I haven't lost very much weight at all and I have been firm with myself to ensure that I remain healthy. I have tired a special diet that has worked fairly well. It has thrown a huge fork into the spokes of the wheel of my life (food) but I am learning new passions (such as reclaiming my joy for cooking).

I am aware that there is a lack of people who challenge me in my life and so I have to find this in myself and that is hard. I am not sure if I want to change this, switch out support and comfort for challenge and change. I do know that I want different things then what I have now and so that is the driving force behind whatever it is that I do. I am struggling to remain positive about it and that is a difficult thing for me to admit. i am the queen of positivity and optimism but, recently.. I haven't felt that innocent, child-like flame in me.

Maybe it's my job, as it sucks the life out of me (I am not being dramatic, I have learnt so much including things that I do not want in my next job that I currently looking for).  Maybe it's my relationships and friendships.

There are a lot of maybes but the one thing that I know I do need to do  is, employ that whole "do one things that scares you a day". I don't... or at least I am a little easy on myself. If I am the only person in my life who challenges me, then I have better start being a little tougher. I'll never get anywhere if i don't. Or at least that is what I am thinking right now.

This all pops up because I just completed an extensive exam of what my skill are and what I should be doing with my life career wise. It was all over the map, and my education is a jar or potpourri. In this day and age, you can't even get a receptionist position without having a Ph.D (or so it seems) unless you know someone. Free work is something that I have been working on, to gain skills and connections but that is a slow process in it's own. I don't have all day, I want change now. This exam I took basically told me that I either should be an aviation repair person (or watch maker, which I have already done) or a house wife with hobbies. Well DAMN. That's just not going to work... even though it would be fun to work on airplanes all day long. I like to do things for people and I also like to fix things. I am good at that kind of stuff.

I know that having mini goals will make me feel better, I will feel satisfied because I will think that I am working towards something even though I have no idea what that really is. I also want to hold myself accountable and I would like you (who ever is reading this- shout out too Mr. Spambot) to help. I know my recent history with this blog hasn't shown much worth to my word and I might just post this and wait another 6 months to post again. The intention is there and if I can do it until the end of September, then that will at least be something.

What I am saying is:
I want to post everyday (lets be fair, 5 days out of 7- like any other job) about something that I did that scared me. And I did it. It's not for you to judge me on because what I find scary you might find rather simple and easy. I will rate the scary on a scale of 1-10. 1 being something small like, I have no idea... registering for yoga. I have done it before, I like it but it always worries me because I think everyone is going to hate me (what the heck do I tell myself in my head! That needs to stop..) so that means 10 is something like quitting my job or booking a solo trip or doing something terrifying that I need a shot of Wild Turkey just to get myself into it.

So that's the plan!

Today's scary was: Driving to the doctor and not looking at the map and totally getting lost and being OK with that. Or relatively OK with it.

This was scary because I don't like to drive when the roads are busy, I also like to look at my GPS and get my route planned out before I leave. I left and thought about looking at GPS after and then I realised that I really didn't know how to get from Point A to Point B and for this reason, I caught all the green lights and just had to go with it. No one honked and waving makes a huge difference when you cut people off or don't know which lane you need to be in. I survived. It had to be done and I would like to think less and do more.

Scary Ranking 5 out of 10 (I felt shaky when I got to the doctors but that also could have been from not eating lunch).

The End!

Love Until it Hurts

In other news, I just read this article about 11 Slightly Scary Ways to Become a Better You. I think I am a little inspired, aren't you?

Which do you find to be the toughest of those choices?

The improve thing is something I have been considering for a while. It would be a huge challenge for me and though I don't mind being a fool in front of people, the idea of it terrifies me.

Loving until it hurts. I never really thought about it but the authors definition makes sense to me. I don't love until it hurts though because it's difficult to deal with. It would be a good thing to try, I think.

The rest are mostly just great ideas. I consult people of many ages and I try to learn from every person I establish a relationship with. I talk to people who I admire and find out how they got where they are. I say no and I say yes and learning the balance between the two and doing what's right for myself was difficult to figure out.

I have enjoyed silence-- both mine and my environments.

31 Questions that Will Change Your Life:

 

 

 

So I read this post and decided that I might want to try and answer these questions:

  

Are you doing what you truly want to do?

 No sir, I am not. But I'm getting there... I am doing what I want with my after hours time but during hours, I want to be doing something ... *more*, I just haven't found what that is yet.

 

Do you have a dream to follow?

I suppose I do, I have think have more then one dream though.

 

Are you proud of what you’re doing or what you’ve done?

Yes, I think I am. I am getting the little things done in my life that I want to get done. I am moving very slowly though.

 

How many promises you have made and how many of them you have fulfilled?

Promises to myself? I have made tons, too many to count. I'm amazing at keeping promises to other people and usually that trickles over into my life as well.

 

What’s the one thing you really want to do but have never done so, and why?

Solo travel to some place exotic and wrong. I'm scared though... of getting into trouble and also a little scared of the unknown.

 

Have you ever failed anyone who you loved or loved you?

Only once, I lied to someone I loved and never admitted it. It was over a decade ago and I learnt from that point forward not to do things I had to lie about and also, not to lie about them.

 

Will you take a shot if the chance of failure and success is 50-50?

Depending on what it is, usually yes. If my gut feels more excited then terrified.

 

 

If you could travel to the past in a time machine, what advice would you give to the 6-year-old you?

School. I know it doesn't work for you, but it's just the system not you. Ask questions, talk to your parents and teachers about not being happy and see if you can find a way to get on the right track with education. Realising this 26 years later is more difficult-- possible but difficult. Also, stay away from credit cards. That was a waste of time and money.

 

 

Will you break the rules because of something/someone you care about?

depending on the rule, I will. When I care about someone or something I will try almost anything as long as breaking the rules doesn't hurt someone else intentionally.

 

 

Have you ever abandoned a creative idea that you believed because others thought you were a fool?

Of course, but in the back of my head I keep it there and rework it in a way that might fit better. There are a lot of times though that I don't care and just do however, when things get risky I will listen to others.

 

What would you prefer? Stable but boring works or interesting works with lots of workload?

Interesting with lots of workload. I am OK with the idea of my life being my work, I just want it to be meaningful and passionate.

 

Are you afraid of making mistakes even though there’s no punishments at all?

I was but I'm learning to worry about that less.

 

If you would clone yourself, which of your characteristics you wouldn’t want to be cloned?

My anxiety and OCD. It's a little over the top at times and can get in my way at times of high pressure. It does have benefit however, I would prefer that I had less restraints mentally that manifest in worry. I'm working on that on my own though.

 

What’s the difference between you and most of the other people?

I don't know if there is a difference. I don't specifically feel that unique compared to others. I have met a lot of people who are similar to me in some respect.

 

Are you making some influences on the world or constantly being influenced by the world?

I am not sure either way. I'm going to have to think about this one. I don't find that I am necessarily influenced by the world however, I don't know if I am making influences on the world. Maybe people, I always try to encourage others to do the things that I think they are scared to do themselves. That's a huge thing for me and I appreciate having people who cheer me on so I try and be that same support system to others. I want people to live their life as full as they can, if they invite me into their lives, I want to contribute that. Does that even make sense in the context of the question?

 

The thing you cried for last time, does it matter to you now or will it matter to you 5 years later?

I actually almost cried thinking about supporting people and being supported myself. I can't remember the time I cried last. It's been a looooong time, I think. I cried over the floods that happened in Calgary but those were happy tears from seeing how the city collectively got together to help things out. I don't go out of my way to look at things that cause me to be upset (like abused animals or mistreated humans). I can't really remembered the last time I cried.

 

Is there anything you can’t let go of but you know you should?

I'm pretty good at letting go when the time is right so I think right now, there isn't any resentment or hurt I am holding onto. I have dreams but I don't want to let those go yet.

 

Do you remember anyone you hated 10 years ago? Does it matter now?

The last person I had any feelings of distaste for was a chef I dated briefly last year. He wasn't a very nice man and after some negative confrontation I kicked him out of my life and moved on. I held some hurt and resentment over some of the actions he had taken but after a little time, some talking with close friends and some well placed dreams, I have gotten over it. The dreams were fantastic because I had they were positive and filled with the kindest emotions. Each time I woke up from one of these dreams I felt better and better until after the 3rd dream, I was over it and felt released from the issues. It was interesting how my dreams helped me clean my head and heart up.

 

Which makes you happier, to forgive someone or to hate someone forever?

To forgive, obviously. I love people, it's much nicer to keep loving them.

 

What are you worrying about and what’s the difference if you stop worrying about it?

What am I not worrying about might be a better questions... I worry about getting older and wasting my life but that motivates me to keep challenging myself. I worry about never finding that perfect love but I have hope that it will happen at some point. I worry about my parents passing and what that will be like on the surviving parent and then the family, I would like to release that worry but again it has made me so aware of spending as much time with them as often as I can.

 

If you’d die now, would you have any regrets?

I would like to say no and usually that is what the answer would be but I'm in a place of transition. There are a lot of things I am working on adjusting and I'm not done with it. But if I must die now then I have no choice.

 

Which one would you prefer, having a luxurious trip alone or having a picnic with people you love?

Picnic with people I love.

 

Who do you admire and why?

I admire everyday people for their intelligence-- well read individuals who have rich minds. That is what I admire. I admire people who are creative and fearless, who are good intentions and big hearts.

 

Is there anyone who inspired you and made you who you are today?

Everyone who I have met and been with has inspired me and made me who I am. I sometimes think that I am a collection of the people I have met and not me at all.

 

What’s the thing you’re most satisfied with?

myself and my time away from work.

 

When was the last time you laughed and what did you laugh at?

I laughed last night and I don't really remember what. I was with an ex who has become a close friend and we've always been fantastic friends.

 

Are you doing anything which makes you and people around you happy?

Making music, making food, being a presence in life. I think these things make everyone happy.

 

Is there anyone who you love or loves you?

Romantic love is difficult to find but life love for friends and family is plentiful.

 

When was the last time you really talked with your parents/family?

Just this morning.

 

If happiness is a currency, how rich do you think you are?

I think I might be pretty comfortable if happiness was a currency. I am relatively content with things over all. I appreciate what I have.

 

If today’d be the end of the world, what’d you do?

Have one of those cinnamon buns from the mall, make-out with a few people, drink all my wine and be with the ones I love as it ended.

 

Things that Need to Stop

 

 

 

I just read this post and thought it had a pretty good outline on what needs to be done or not done to feel that feeling we are all looking for. A lot of it rings true to me so I wanted to post it over here for easy reflection.

 

Two little words of inspiration that I always keep in my mind are:

 

Do more of what you love

and

Don't think, just do. I tend to over think everything I want to do and never trust this here gut of mine. That needs to stop a little more so it doesn't stop me as much.

 

What would you add?

The Floods

On June 20th 2013, Calgary flooded. First thing in the morning I heard news that a small town west of Calgary had suffered great damage at the cost of The Bow river. A combination of spring runoff (snow melting in the mountains) and above average rain for the month of June, things were over flowing and out of control. Emergency alerts were popping up everywhere, there began concern that floods could occur in my beloved city.

 

I thought back to a time that didn't seem that long ago. 2005, when I watched from Strathcona Ridge as the Elbow River creeped over it's berm onto the road beside it. A downtown park called Prince's Island was submerged in water up to the tops of the picnic tables. There was damage but it was small. it was just on the cuff of everyday social media. I was posting pictures and writing blogs on MySpace at the time and I don't think Facebook even existed yet.

 

That felt like the worst this city could handle. I was wrong.

 

At 3:00 PM two Thursday's ago, the neighbourhood beside me was put under mandatory evacuation as was the neighbourhood two of my close friends lived in. I thought it was dramatic and unnecessary but also safe. "Better safe then sorry" I thought to myself as my friend updated that she had arrived on higher ground with her family. I left work at a normal time, the clouds had parted and the sun was strong on my skin through the humid air. I walked down 5th street to where I lived. Things felt different, there was an increase in police cars, a sign had been placed at the busy intersection of 17th ave and 5th street SW and I saw about 12 trucks filled with dirt and gravel drive past me in a frantic kind of way. It still didn't make sense to me. The rain had stopped, the streets that were challenging the storm sewers during my morning walk to work had dried up. I didn't really understand the panic yet.

 

I dropped my things off at my condo, I live on the second floor about 10 blocks away from the river. I walked closer to the area that the sign had said was closed off, I wanted to get a better idea of what all the concern was about. My sister who lived in the area had already been evacuated and was at my parents place. A police officer had walked around her complex, knocking on doors and telling people to leave. If the choose to stay, they had to sign a waiver saying so. I figured that if I wasn't supposed to be there, someone would stop me. Someone would tell me I was dumb and that I needed to leave. No one did, as I got closer to the river, more gravel trucks passed and I saw a digging machine making a giant dirt pile about 12 feet tall. Later I learned that the dirt pile was called a berm.

 

I didn't want to get too close to things, I stood about a block and half away from where the crews were working. There were so many people and so many things set up, I turned around and walked up 4th street (the business portion of the area I live in). I saw sandbags lining door frames and people waiting for city buses with a duffel bad and their pets in hand. All while the hot sun beamed down and the clouds kept moving east.

 

When do I start panicking? Do I start panic? I have a tendency to worry about things that don't really need to be worried about. Things looked OK and I had never in my life ever experienced anything that traumatic-- at least never at the hands of mother nature. I live in Canada, in Calgary. It's like a wonderful little bubble protects us from so many problems that effect other parts of the world.

 

I come home and my Internet if down. I use my iPhone to look up evacuations maps and call my parents. I message my friend who lives across the street and he says "the water won't come all the way up here", I felt so silly. I paced the floor and looked out the window. and paced and checked my phone and called my parents and looked out the window. Normal things were happening, people were heading to musical events and to the pub. The girls who lives across the way with the golden retriever was taking him for a walk. No one seemed worried, but still something didn't feel right. I turned off my lights and lite candles, isn't that what people do in these kinds of situations? My phone rang and it was my best friend "Pony, are you still at home?" I can't remember why she calls me Pony but it's my nick name. "Yes, where are you? are you guys OK?" She tells me that they are OK and that I need to leave. "But I haven't been evacuated-- as if the water is going to come all the way over here." she passed the phone to her partner who said "B, you have to leave. It's not about the water. if anything, they are going to turn off your services-- your power, your gas and your sewage. The roads around you are closing, you might get stuck. Just go to your mum's, you can always come back in the morning." She sounded so serious. It all seemed unnecessary but, my adrenaline was high and I doubt I would sleep anyway.

 

It's better to be safe then sorry.

 

I told her I would call when I got to my parents and hung up the phone. I grabbed my phone charger, an extra pair of undies and some socks. I looked around and said to myself "I'll be back in the morning" and basically left with that. I thought about taking my jewelery and maybe my passport but reminded myself I'd be back in the morning. My exact list of things I brought with me when I evacuated was:

phone charger

hair brush

tooth brush and tooth paste

face wash

an elastic for my hair

1 pair of socks

1 extra pair of under ware

bacon and cheese from my fridge (for breakfast the next day)

and a bottle of wine 

I grabbed my purse and my gym bag (never know when you might need yoga pants) and left. I made sure that my patio door was locked for once and that my computer was off. And that was that.

 

I got in the car and drove to my parents place. The streets were filling up with water and bad drivers. People were lined up along the quickly rising river and I felt so annoyed with them. And then I felt annoyed with myself. Why on earth was I evacuating? I didn't need too.

 

I arrived at my parents place and my mum was still up, she was watching TV with my sister and I sat at the kitchen table and drank some wine. I poured over my twitter as more info came in. Some people were partying like it was a fake end of the world, others were reporting the rate in which the river was slowly swallowing up my favorite parts of my city. Everyone went to bed but I stayed up until 3:30 am seeing pictures of rising waters. Our cities mayor returned from Toronto that night and toured the areas with my area's alderman, the last picture I saw was one of the two of them on top of the Glenmore dam, our mayors face was filled with worry. Eventually I fell asleep.

 

I woke up a few hours later and reached my hand under my pillow for my phone. I opened up my twitter and right away my feed was filled with pictures. The morning sun had just come up and my streets were filled with water, waist heights in some areas. It was 5:30 am and the sky was a never ending gray cloud. I went downstairs and my parents were up, I told them to turn on the TV and everything was live. The city was flooding. My dad who thought he was going to work and I who thought I'd be returning home in the afternoon, knew that wasn't going to happen. Safe in suburbia, we watched for hours as it kept raining and the city kept floods and both rivers just weren't cresting. I had images in my mind of people standing on the roofs of their houses as they had to be evacuated. We all thought the worst, I checked in with my other evacuated friends and they were sad and scared and I told them that no mater what, I would help them get through whatever it was that was waiting for them at home. It was little reassurance to them because none of us really knew what would be waiting.

 

Some of my friends went against orders to stay home and safe, they breached "red zoned" areas and checked on their house. They helped over people who weren't as stubborn save the things they didn't think they had to move. This went on for a few days. Most of us weren't allowed to leave our houses, we were in a state of emergency.

 

As all things do though, it came to an end. The rivers crested, the sun came back out and the flood waters started to recede. Still, most of us were not allowed to go near our places. The city was vibrating with energy to fix this mess, from the start people wanted to help. They were creating groups and joining forces to start helping the city get back on it's feet.

 

Our Mayor was so excellent during this time, he briefed us constantly on the state of things. He was honest and strong and had our backs. We knew that what he said was to be followed and he knew that we weren't dumb. As communities were cleared to be safe to return, rather then waiting on officials to evaluate situations, he allowed citizen to do the work. Setting out a guideline of what to look for and what to do, he let over 70,000 people return to their homes to do self assessments on the damage. He got areas back to work, he made sure that roads were repaired in a day. He ensured that as many peoples lives could return back to normal as possible.

 

I was allowed to return home a week after evacuating. My place was fine once the power was restored and the only damage I had was a bunch of moldy food in my fridge. We were given assistance to cover expenses, which I used to restock my fridge and I donated the rest to someone who needed it more then me. My life is back to normal. I don't feel normal though. I spent a week in constant anxiety and concern for the city and people I love. My heart made a happy home in my throat as I watched people join together to create strength and rebuild communities. Everyone and every thing was working so hard to put things back to normal, a new normal and I could see the effort.  I felt different, inspired and recharged.

 

Buildings were damaged, there were issues. Things are indeed different and some might not be for the better for now. My city has been in an official "state of emergency" for almost 2 weeks but that is ending tomorrow. I'm stiff from doing dirty jobs, from volunteering my self to those I don't know to help them get back on their feet and I'll keep doing it.

 

This city, who is rich with new money and lack of morals forgot their materialistic ways and got dirty for each other.  My faith for people was renewed, and the officials and the government and the police and my neighbours and everyone. When I finally got home to a clean, dry house I cried on my couch for about an hour. My adenine was down and I cried for the people who were so kind and the struggles that others were still going through. I cried because I knew in the end, we should all actually be OK.

 

Of course, this is my perception of what happened which is different from many others. There are people who lost a lot of things and have challenges ahead of them. Rebuilding, redoing. They aren't alone though and though for some it may feel like things are back to normal, it's actually a new normal. I will keep volunteering until I am no longer useful and will try my hardest to put this city back better then where I left it on June 20th  2013.

 

 

 

For pictures, see slide show here

ON EDIT: There is so much more to write about, but I just can't. Not all in one post. I tried too and I know it's long and boring. I might talk about it more or I might not. All I can say is I have never been more moved and touched by an experience. As traumatic as it was to how uplifting it was, it changed me in a way that I can only say as better. My city does need time to rebuild, close $500,000,000.00 of damage has occurred (rough estimate, too soon to tell) but none of that damage was human death. It's nothing to make light of and at a fault of my own ignorance (I don't want to diminish what others have done though because it possible has been the worst thing in their life), it could have been so much worse. Everything worked like a well oiled machine and in my eyes, the greatest disaster is losing life. The people haven't lost life and nor has this city. Thanks for reading as I continue to processes the experiences.