Bringing Blogging Back

 

 

 

That's right, I'm bringing it back for the umpteenth time. The sad truth is this might be a fickle attempt but no one really notices. I'm pretty sure the only people who read my thoughts these days are spam-bots and ex-boyfriends. I am grateful to the ex's because they are real people that actually distantly curious about me.

 

It's January, my birthday has passed... am I getting old enough now not to care? I still know my age but yesterday I wasn't sure what year it was. I was ahead of myself thinking it was 2014. I haven't made my yearly goals yet. I have a new job (that's a major reason why I haven't been writing, I have actually been working) doing something I love for a company that is fresh, progressive and exciting (though I might still be in the honeymoon stage). I have a decent grasp on my life as well, or perhaps I am choosing what battles to fight and which ones to worry about. And maybe, I have a grasp on boys. Maybe. Really, right now... I don't really care about boys (shocker!). I think that almost all of my relationships are healthy ones-- that's a lovely feeling.

 

I think the biggest thing is now, I want to travel. My new company is more flexible with time and I have lots of holiday time. This year should be the year that I shock myself and do something amazing. I have the ability, I'm just scared. I need someone else to commit to something for me and then I'll be down. It's making that choice though, so difficult.

 

I want to do some crafts-- a little creating. Find a new passion perhaps, and keep working on the ones I have.

 

Things have been good, even in the last 6 months of chaos and uncertainty. I dealt with losing my job like a champ. I was without work for a total of almost 3 weeks. I have nothing to complain about and though that feels fantastic in my head, heart and body... it makes for awful writing. I am motivated by the fireworks and angst to write and pour my soul out. No one wants to read peppy meanderings of joy. Mind you, since when have I ever written this for other people. Mostly, I write this for me. This blog has changed face so much in the years it has been around. I guess a little like me, it's always been the same but it's just evolved.

 

I'm hungry, I should find something to put in my mouth hole.

 

PS: the title has nothing to do with another blog "I'm Bringing Blogging Back"

Staying Friends with the Ex('s)

 

 

I had a messy break-up a few years ago and things ended poorly. One person was really hurt, the other was just confused and done. The hurt one lashed out in anger and the confused one took that anger as a threat and cut all ties-- no contact. And that was good. That gave time for the hurt one to come to terms with what had happened and that also gave time for the confused one to get things figured out.

 

and that was that. Until a few weeks ago when all of the sudden he popped back into my life. All has been forgiven and it's nice to know that we have both moved on. There is something special about being forgiven because I was the confused one in that scenario.

 

I have decent relationships with all my ex's. Well, I wouldn't exactly say "relationships" but I would say that I'm friendly with all of them. Should I ever run into one on the street I would never hesitate to go over with a friendly hug and say hi. That's just who I am, I shared something with that person and though I may have moved on I am still connected on some level to that person. Like an old friend. I don't see the purpose in hating an ex, especially over time. Both parties did the best they could and well, we've all learnt a lot now, haven't we.

 

It's undeniable, you can't be friends right away. That's hard. There are still too many emotions and sometimes leftover expectations. There has to be space. No contact. I always preach to my friend "90 days, no contact!" when they go through a break-up. You can deal with the after math much better when your emotions are in check. I'm not usually the kind of girl who gets in touch in the following months after a break-up. I need to get my head straight, especially when I've been the one broken-up with.

 

I guess in a way when I know I can be friendly with my ex's I know that all doors have been closed, we all have our closure and the relationship is finally done because I no longer have any emotional ties-- love or hate. Yes, I believe that's it for me. A friend of mine always challenges me and says that I just can't let go, but I disagree. I feel as though I have let go of all of my ex's but I hate that feeling of not being able to do something. That when I see something, I can't openly write and say "Hey, thought you'd enjoy this!" or what not. Is that wrong? I don't feel like it is, it doesn't cause me hurt or anxiety. I feel good about it. It's never affected my relationship, especially as I've grown more as a person and I'm able to feel confident in my choices.

 

 

What do you think? Are you friends with your ex's? Do you hate them? Or could you careless.

 

** post inspired by Cup of Jo

Bon Jovi Friday

URBAN DICTIONARY:

Bon Jovi Friday, originally, is a concept taken from "The Xtacles", where on the Thursday before a Friday you have off - you party and screw off at work like it is Friday.

However this concept has come to pertain to any such day that precedes a day or days off.

Although such days are still referred to as "Bon Jovi Friday" no matter the actual day of the week.

“When you have Friday off from work, and you just F*ck around all day Thursday … you know what that is? That is a Bon Jovi Friday!”

-from The Xtacles.

Yesterday I treated my night like it was Bon Jovi Friday. But it wasn't... I definatly have to be at work today and I am, with a smile on my face.

But I'm tired.

Why I Blog

         

I have a Twitter account, I acquired it in 2008 and instantly left it alone for a year and a bit. Then I started tweeting again, in the form of a private online journal, I had a very strong presence on Facebook at the time so feeling anonymous was important to me when it came to expressing things authentically.

And that all changed as I started to really invest time in having experiences and living my life more fully. Twitter because a place where I could invest a little time and get a lot of information so I moved from private to public and that's when things started to happen. Slowly. I have made some fantastic connections through it and being public has allowed me to exchange info in a very casual but effective way.

I have always enjoyed sharing parts of myself, it's selfish though. It's pretty rare that I write something for others, I usually write for me.

My Dog Dinner

This was created for babble. I had been writing via Internet since Yahoo ruled the roost and everyone had Geo Cities pages. I don't know what happened to mine, but that is where it began. I learned simple coding and just created. It was so satisfying to me. I moved from there to MySpace over the course of a few years (I had a stint on the forums on a dating site called PoF but boyfriends at the time didn't understand that I just wanted to write -- and help people). I poured my heart out there and made some interesting friends a long the way. I was in a difficult relationship at the time and I was in the process of maturing. It was a challenge and I felt my way through it by writing on MySpace. Then I found Facebook and from there I felt different. I knew these people in real life, I had a few hundred friends rather then a few thousand anonymous followers. I felt like I couldn't be completely open, because lets face it. Writing to me was a cheap form of therapy. So then I started blogging. It began with a blog that still exists, it's private. I wrote a lot of bad poetry as I struggled more at getting a hold on my life. And then I created My Dog Dinner one day in March, I wanted to be seen but I wanted to remain anonymous but still have an audience. That was 2008 and I've been keeping it pretty up to date since.

My Dog Dinner is my selfish blog, I write it for me. I write it for things that i have on my mind, I write it for things that I want to learn and remember. For the last few months I have been neglecting it as I focus more on my job and other aspects of my life. As well, some changes to my life have stabilized my emotions so my inspiration is a little less artsy-angst. Hence, the poetic posts aren't so often.

I am pretty active in the city though, it's a value of mine, to experience life as I want too. I try my best to always challenge myself. I would write the odd post in My Dog Dinner directed and some of my adventures. Where I have eaten, what I have eaten, What to do, what I did.. just those kinds of things. There are so many things that I want to share with people. This is where my blogging becomes less selfish and more of a service. I have dreamt of having a job where people would come to me, lacking ideas and I would be able to create the perfect event for them. Like a concierge at a hotel-- I love helping people better their lives and what better way then through memorable experiences.

That was why B. in the City was created, it's a blog with one simple direction: to inform people of things that I think are fun to do in the city. There is so much to experience so why not try it all. I'm not 100% committed to it and it's just a hobby I do once in a while, but it's building. I enjoy it and there is just a bit more then a handful of information on the site now. It's important to me to bring attention to local, independent events that one might over look. There is always something to do in the city and for the longest time, no one knew where to look or what to do. I dated a man who didn't drink for a few years and sometimes on a Saturday night, we'd look at each other and ask "what is there to do in this city besides go to a movie or go to the bar?"... well, now there are a few answers.

Through the quest for information I have come across a lot of other sites that do it WAY better then I do, and that's good. I am glad! One of those inspirations is Mr YYC who shares the same passion as me. Today, he did something that flattered me beyond anything anyone has ever done, he mentioned me. Sounds silly but it's not. He has a huge presence in the community of Calgary Event Blogging and the fact that he took the time to bring some of his lime light to my humble little blog(s), I am speechless. And so thankful for the support.

I don't think this place is that big of a deal to anyone else but me, I do it for the enjoyment but sometimes someone will say something or so something that will remind me, I have a few readers out there. And that means something to me that I am able to add to their life in some way.

Anyways, not sure why I wrote this but I did. Thanks again for the #FF on Twitter Mr. YYC! xxoo

[truth, I am going to Google #FF as soon as I post this becasue I have no idea what that is but I think it's good! Excuse the ignorance yet again!]

Getting Married

I have decided after looking at this picture...

I want to get married in a barn. I have a barn... it's more open then this but I might be able to fix that. Or it might be nice. Lay down some proper boards. Make sure there are lots of mini lights and there you have it, there's your wedding.

There is a little church near that barn of mine that I have always wanted to wed in or to make it even more efficient... just say the vows right at the reception.

Perfection!

Now, back to deciding on my perfect man for the job. So many to pick from...



picture borrowed from here

True Statements

Some of us don’t like the truth at the time when we hear it but ultimately appreciate the value of it when our ego’s have settled down.

All in all, remember. There isn't anything better then honesty. You are who you are, you've done what you've done and it's time you accept yourself and respect the other person.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Actually, no... I should also note that this isn't coming from any recent experience. It just kind of hit me and I thought I should post about it.

Mantras

After having a year of some what easy peasy sailing, I have entered into 2012 with a whole new pile of lessons to learn and a whole plethora of choices to enrich my life. First I had to accept that my life was once again going in that direction-- the learn direction and I had to let go of the comfort I had found at the start of 2011. Next, I need to make these process as easy as I can on myself by not throwing up road blocks to make things more difficult then I sometimes find them.

For example, if I'm going to be bossy, stubborn, needy and scattered.. know that is just who I'm going to be. No point in fighting it even more then I am because that just makes for an even messier situation.

And it's time to change my thoughts towards things.  I can be aware and I can be oblivious but I shouldn't be ignorant. The best way for me to do this is to hear my anxious thoughts, decide if it's helpful to me to listen to them and if not, then combat it with something positive to dismiss it. Mantras are usually the best way to stop my mind from spinning. I interject a mantra into a negative, OCD thought process and eventually it releases it into something with much less power over me. My favorite for the longest time was "I love an accept myself" and even in periods when I am having trouble sleeping, that thought slips in and my mind suddenly relaxes.

I searched for a nice, basic outline of new mantras to introduce into my life. Please see below.

“The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.” ~Swedish Proverb

Mantra, according to the dictionary:

Any sacred word or syllable used as an object of concentration and embodying some aspect of spiritual power.

Mantra, according to Sirena:

Things I say to myself to help me deal.

There are times we all go through that just straight up suck.

During these times, it can be hard to think about anything other than what’s going on. We can become so consumed in our own misery that we often overshadow any glimmer of hope.

And although these times can seem endless while we’re in them, it’s through these crappy times that we learn the most about ourselves and receive some of life’s greatest rewards.

I can only say this after going through some of my own crappy times. You know, experiencing little things like breaking up from an engagement, being unemployed, questioning my sexuality, severing several friendships, wiping through my entire savings, and accumulating way too much debt.

All within the same year.

Yikes.

Through my own experiences of hopelessness, confusion, and doubt, I’ve learned to establish a few simple, but very effective phrases to help me stay positive and to keep things in perspective.

So now, whenever things cross my path that may initially seem unbearable, or if I begin to doubt myself, I just remember and repeat some of the following mantras:

1. Keep your head up and your heart open.

I repeated this phrase to myself over and over again after my aforementioned breakup. At the time, the last thing I ever wanted to do was to open myself up again.

After being with the same person for over 6 years (6 years!), I quickly realized that this kind of thinking wouldn’t get me far.

I trusted myself that if I just kept my head up and my heart open, good things would come into my life. And I’m glad I listened to myself.

I use this phrase both literally and figuratively.

By actually keeping your head up, smiling at people as they walk by, and keeping aware of your surroundings, you may notice something or meet someone that you potentially could have missed had your head been down.

When to use: During a break up, when you feel let down by someone, or when you feel betrayed or mistrust.

2. Go slowly.

With everything. Eating. Talking. Taking a shower. Driving. Even having sex.

I noticed when I was super-stressed out about things, I had a tendency to run around like a lunatic, doing several things at once, often times having to re-track my steps because I was so distracted that I left several things out.

I found that my projects, errands, and even my conversations with people became very watered down because I was rushing just to finish.

Now, whenever I feel like I’m rushing to just get things done, I slow down my pace, take a deep breath, and take my time with whatever it is I am rushing to do.

When we slow down, we can taste all the flavors in our food and we digest our meals better. We are better communicators when we talk slower, and we become better listeners.

Accidents? They wouldn’t happen as much if we weren’t in such a rush to get somewhere.

It’s quality over quantity.

When to use: When you are in a rush on the highway, when you’re rushing out to get lunch, or walking around the office, when you feel pressure from deadlines, or while you’re annoyed sitting in traffic.

3. Be easy.

Or in other words, don’t sweat the small stuff.

I realized that most of the issues that were giving me anxiety were completely out of my control, and they were usually things that wouldn’t matter five years, five months or even five minutes from the time.

Like freaking out that I didn’t have something to wear to a party, or stressing that I’d mess up choreography while teaching a class.

I learned to not get so worked up over the small things, stressing about matters that, in the end, really didn’t make a difference.

So, if you find yourself getting road rage from the guy that cut you off on the highway, let him be. Why get angry and stress yourself out over it? Just be easy.

Did someone on the train bump you as they walked by? Who cares? The cab is packed; it wasn’t her fault. Be easy.

When to use: When it’s 1 AM and you’re wide awake in bed, thinking about the next day’s to do list, when you spill on your new white tank top, or when the copy machine at work jams. Be easy.

There are far worse things in life.

4. Let Sirena be Sirena (swap out my name with yours).

Most of us wear masks. And most of us are afraid to be ourselves, simply out of fear of judgment.

We take jobs we don’t really care for, stay in relationships we don’t genuinely love, and pretend to be someone different for everybody else.

I was there—I stayed in a relationship far longer than I should have and I avoided confronting my sexuality because I was so afraid of being judged.

And I’m telling you, it’s a heck of a lot easier to just be you—whatever that means, whenever, wherever.

While you’re too busy making yourself appear to be someone else, you kill yourself from the inside out. And it can be a long, slow and painful death to your soul.

Bottom line? Accept yourself for who you are, and just be you.

This was the hardest lesson for me to accept, but the one that has given me the greatest clarity and direction in life.

When to use: Times when you are questioning yourself, when you feel outside pressure to do/be/say/act in a way that is not congruent with your true nature, or when you hold back from doing what you truly want to do because you’re afraid of being judged.

Since my “sabbatical” from life, which is what I’ve now jokingly nicknamed this year of despair I described earlier, I have made some dramatic and positive changes.

I have a job that I absolutely love, I am on track to pay off all of my debt by the end of this year, and I have accumulated a solid amount in my savings.

I’ve also re-kindled past friendships and made some awesome new relationships, while becoming grounded and confident in who I am.

These mantras helped me get to this point. Having them has been an effective trick to help me stay positive and on track.

What phrase does that for you?

This is a contribution by Sirena Bernal

Letting Go

Letting go is hard. I think all of us at one point or another have had the awful exercise of having to let go and/or being let go of. We all need it, to condition us to understand that nothing is ever "always"; forever. Everything in life is temporary.

A few years ago, I watched Eat Pray Love.. actually it was December 31st 2010. I watched the movie before getting ready to go out for New Years. It changed my life... since then I have watched it more than any other movie. Just last week I watched it twice on Tuesday. I only watch the middle; I only watch the good stuff.

Those who know me well in my life are aware of how I have learned in the last few years about letting go. How relationships have changed, and people have changed, how I have changed and the things around me. I have watched it affect those around me, some are able to glide over it with ease and acceptance. Other get stuck; struggling and learning how to process the whole situation until they discover for themselves what works for them.

Over the last year, I think back to one moment in Eat Pray Love about letting go. It fits. It's been advice I've given to people and it's been advice I've received, It's just written in a way that just fits for more than just me. Not just within relationships (both romantic and non-romantic), but also with situations and experiences. It can be our health, our jobs-- anything that surrenders us to grief and mourning.

The author is in an Ashram in India – a place where she went to meditate and find herself through Yoga, and is having a particularly difficult time that day. She has made a friend there, Richard from Texas, and right now they are at the dinner table together, talking.

(my *one* thought is in parenthesise)

“What’s got you all wadded up?” he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.

“Don’t ask” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”

He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”

“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”

“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”

I exhale hotly though my nose, bull-like.

“Groceries [he calls her Groceries, how AWESOME is that?!],” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”

“But I really loved him.”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”

“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could —“

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”

AMEN.

Eat, Pray, Love (by Elizabeth Gilbert)



Nothing is real until you let go completly.

 **

Related post from July 2011
Dolce far Niente

Confessions: I Had a Sexy Dream about Hitler

It's true. I had a dream that I was alive during World War II and Hitler and I had an affair and he was a good lover.

*cringe

Don't judge me. It was just a dream. He wasn't a horrible monster of a man in my dream either, he was a nice dream lover with a cute little mustache above his upper lip and together we hated Himmler together. I wore this long green silk dress and a mink cape. This dream had all kinds of romance that would have been perfect for a fiction film like Inglorious Bastard.

I also had a dream I was married to  Danny Bonaduce-- not the grown up version that we see around as a B rated celebrity but the Danny Bonaduce who was staring in the Partridge Family at the age of 15.We were married and then he cheated on me and I was so upset! Even when I woke up , that feeling of betrayal stayed with me. I haven't liked him since. hmph.

I also remember having a dream when I was really young about this boy I could have cared less about. His name was Lucas and he wanted nothing to do with me before my dream or after my dream but because in this dream, he kissed me and I fell deep into dream love with him, I had a soft spot for him ever since. and I've never forgotten about.

So my affiar with Dream Hilter still seems wrong, at least I can validate it with these other dreams of love and heartbreak. Interstingly enough, Dream Hitler adn I had the best relationship out of them all. Maybe that means that Danny Bonaduce is the best person in real life.

Confession Complete.

Have you ever had some weird dream relationship with anyone? I know a friend of mine had a dream he lived with Britney Spears on a pile of subwofer speakers.

Taking a Break from my Head

I haven't been blogging very much over here because I have just wanted to take a break from my head. I've also been crazy busy at work and getting my life on a different track.

I've been looking for new work because it's time, it's been time for a year but... now it's really time to go. Things are slowing down and I won't be screwing my company over. My biggest goal is working for a company that treats all their employees well. I am loyal and prefer to work my way through my growth within a corporation then by changing companies all together. I just no longer believe that I have space to grow where I am now.

So, change is good and I'm excited and feeling rather positive about things.

I also want to work on my hobbies more. I have that other blog B in the City, the intention with that is to bring my passion for Calgary into a realm that others can access. I love to eat, I love to do, I love to participate in life and all that fun stuff, so why not share it. Because it's a personal project, when I don't have time I don't post. It's inconsistent but whatever, I"m not to worried. I have 4 followers, one being me. I would like to put more attention into it though. I know people are always looking and though there are lost of vessels in which people can obtain info, it never hurts to have one more.

Things are good, as always. I'm working on my head, my heart and my soul. The biggest dissatisfaction comes from my job situation and the amount of apathy I have for it. Once that changes I'm sure I'll have a whole new outlook on life again. And finally taking control and trying to change it, that has made a huge impact on things. It's nice to see once again how far I've come in the last little while, I have a much stronger sense of confidence. It's great!

This weekend SL gave me some herbal type pills that work really well for his nerves or unsettled feelings, GABA. Have you tried this? I took two yesterday, in half doses. I didn't really notice a different. Being that this is my crazy woman time, I was ready to do anything to get some normalcy. So, I had a nasty upset tummy last night but that might have also been from eating the too spicy, too garlicky, Nepalese food I like.

I slept like a dream though. No nightmares and woke up a few minutes before my alarm-- GO ME!

So that is what is going on with me. I'm also trying to decide if I should take on this flight to Paris for $771 return, taxes in. It looks like I'd have to go by myself but at this moment in my life, this exact minute. That idea scares the living hell out of me. I'd rather touch a spider. Actually... I might prefer Paris, even with the expense factor.

We'll see. I'm giving myself 24 hours. Anything over $500 is not an impulse for me.

so that's me. How about you? :)

[Picture borrowed from here]

Thoughts on Sadness

rwwwaarrrrrrr!!

4 days of each month, I get sad. I talk about it a lot because I am effected a lot by it. Everything becomes a big deal and it's become even bigger because others find it a big deal.

It's not me, it's my hormones... I swear. Give me 4 days of crazy out of 30. Just hold me, be with me, let me do my thing. Let me need you...

The sadness that hits is weird and uncomfortable. If it lasted longer I might feel as though it deserved a stronger name such as "depression". But I don't. It doesn't... at least not for me.

I read this post by Cup of Jo (i know, I re-post a lot of her stuff) and it was about her depression after having child.

 

The funny thing about depression is that you don't know that it's depression—like, chemical imbalance in your brain, or a hormonal crash. You just think it's your actual life--that your career really IS ending, that you really ARE a terrible mother, that your husband really WILL stop loving you, that friends DO think you're boring. At any time in your life, if you just start feeling bad in your mind and mood, you can always come up with a random reason to point to--oh, it's my job! Oh, it's my dating life! Oh, it’s my looks! Oh, it's just me being an awkward person! When you're depressed, you don't realize that your life actually is fine--you're simply sad because you're depressed. The depression is the reason for the depression.

and then there was Hyperboyle and a Half... how honest is that? I always kind of get to the point half way through (if not sooner) where I realise I have nothing to lose. I start making crazy, impulsive choices. Like last month I went to the movies after having cried in the middle of the mall. I went to the movies and I picked the saddest movie EVER to go to-- by my self none the less-- and I wasn't even wearing waterproof make-up. Black streaks came down my face and I left The Vow half way through. Then I cried in the car and drove like a crazy person all the way home. Then I deleted my Facebook profile because I couldn't handle it. and then I re added it a few days later.



I have helped people through there sadness becasue I know what I need, so I give it to them. It's so hard to ask for it though. This month, I'm trying. For real. I am warnign people now and saying my "I'm sorries" now...

because the uncontroled emotion is not what I am used too.

I have been to my doctor and we are trying some new things, I want things to be better now. I have no paitence for this process in myself. I get so irritated at people who make loud nosies or don't listen. I am intense and can't handle stories in the news paper about mistreated animals. People who look at me a little too long, they get put in my bad books for the next few days. I just want to never stop moving and never stop sleeping. I am in a constant state of confliction. and I hate talking about it as much as I do; excpet... I feel better when I talk about it becasue I think it allows people to understand me better.

I keep trying to think there has to be a way that I can use this for something. Use these emotions. There has to be away to turn them around, direct them... sadness is ideal habitate for creativity. Anger is good for cleaning. I ahve energy that needs to move and the more it sits the heavier it makes my heart.

I just want people to understand and accept me but maybe, I have to accept me first too. I just want them to go first, you accept me and then I'll be me. Maybe it doesn't work that way.

and with this sdaness comes other things. I've looked up what the doctor told me about, PDDM:

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome, afflicting 3% to 8% of women. It is a diagnosis associated primarily with the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle. Up to one-third of women diagnosed with PMDD report residual symptoms into the first 2 or 3 days of the follicular phase.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe forms of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Like PMS, premenstrual dysphoric disorder follows a predictable, cyclic pattern. Symptoms begin in the late luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (after ovulation) and end shortly after menstruation begins.

Emotional symptoms are generally present, and in PMDD, mood symptoms are dominant. Substantial disruption to personal relationships is typical for women with PMDD. Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include

• feelings of deep sadness or despair, and suicide ideation
• feelings of intense tension or anxiety
• increased intense sensitivity to rejection or criticism
• panic attacks
• rapid and severe mood swings, bouts of uncontrollable crying
• lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts; typically sufferers are unaware of the impact they have on those close to them
• apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
• difficulty concentrating
• chronic fatigue
• food cravings or binge eating
• insomnia or hypersomnia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep
• feeling overwhelmed or feelings of being out of control
• increase or decrease in sex drive
• increased need for emotional closeness

Common physical symptoms include:

• breast tenderness or swelling, heart palpitations, headaches, joint or muscle pain, swollen face and nose
• an altered view of one's body - a sensation of 'bloating', feeling fat or actual weight gain.

[copied from Wikipedia]


This is me, 100% and it's always nice to know the cause.

so this is more of me... for you to see. HA! Love me, I'm a monster! ;)

It's Better to be Attractive then Pretty

When I turned 30 I felt like my life was over. It's true and silly. If you have been a patient reader of mine for the last few years, you know at least a little.

I came to realise though that I had put too much value in my looks, and not to say that I am/was any type of a looker, but I do/did get attention and feedback that brought me to the understanding that there was something to fuss about. At least for a short while. I think I still pretty much look the same, maybe better. I have heard that as a woman, we reach the peak of our physical beauty at 38... I disagree and reading this blog post from Privilege has validated that for me.  Again.

To me, it's not about what you look like, it's about what you are, inside. As a woman, as a human, as partner, etc. Being that I had put value on my looks and my body, when I started to see that slip away from me in the hours I spent obsessing in the mirror over this line or that, I started to let myself slip in away. I started to loose sight of myself and I had no idea what my values were or what I wanted or even really, who I was.

But I know better now. I am SO much stronger then I once was and I have so many more rewards in my life as a result. I understand now what it is to be me. And I am usually happy with that. I really just wanted to bring a little attention for myself, yet another post about growing older and growing up. One of the BFF's is going through the mental game of turning 30 this year and I see the same anxieties that hit me, hitting her. I just keep telling her that she will come out the otherside a whole new woman with a whole new sense of fearlessness. And she beleives me. One of my blogging friends said to me in one of my posts about turning 30 a few years ago, she said "Happy Birthday Blanche! These days one's thirties are when the biggest changes occur. Cool - I envy you." and just hearing that changed everything for me. I'm sure she has no idea how much that flipped my perspective around, but it did. She really is a Clever Pup. *wink

I'm settled now and hardly worry about what it is that I look like. I pay attention to things but it's not the main motivation in my life. My main motivation now is just living, challanging and enjoying.. the rest will come. And I must appreciate each day, which I do.

(sorry, the spell check isn't working on this post... I'm not going to worry about it past this point. Even if I do use it I'm sure my spelling isn't all that great either.)

[picture credits for googling "coming into my own"]

Jumping on the V-Train

I had plans for Valentine's Day. That's right, I HAD plans. One of my besties and I were going to get together and do girl things/ Eat Thai, watch Eat Pray Love, dream about vacations, maybe go ice skating and paint some pottery. We were going to giggle, get dressed up for ourselves and there would be absolutely NO BOYS.

I mean seriously, the other 364 (wait it's a leap year, does that make it 365 again?) days are pretty much devoted to boys but not Valentines. Nope.

So I got a text yesterday. My bestie has a boy in her life that is HEAD OVER HEELS in love with her. He didn't really hear her when she said "I'm hanging out with my bestie on V-Day so we'll do something another day". So apparently he went out and planned amazing things to surprise her and well... long story short, I told my bestie to go. I would fend for myself.

I was a little disappointed, I was looking forward to our day. But it's OK. I get it for sure. I'm seeing her instead on Wednesday.

So now I'm going to have a traditional Valentines Day of hanging out with the boy I like, go to a movie and all that stuff. No expectations.

I also made myself tuna for lunch and cut each sandwich out to look like little stars.

I love me so much. Happy Valentines Day Me!

Squrriel

Friday night I went to Kananaskis with my BFF and the wedding party. We stayed at the lodge and basically played the day away well into the night. There was food, drinks and laughs. I laid on the floor for a good 3 hours in total with a belly so full I thought I was going to bust.

And then we needed candy. So we went to the store in the lobby of the lodge. A delicious tourist trap of sorts I was delighted by the tacky collection of... well... crap.

Wine glass in one hand and over priced crap in the other I enjoyed my saunter through the aisles. I bought $40 worth of candy and a Dino coin holder for SL with his name on the front. Drunk shopping at its finest.

a few hours later, my BFF and I decided to go to the games room and play ping pong. While there we came across $4.25 worth of change in the machines. Delighted we giggled in our new found riches and ran up to the tacky little shop in the lobby. I had seen the little fur animals the last time I was there but I was too distracted by "sam-a-sorus" to even consider buying one. I mean, I wasn't going to use my own money on that.

LB and I spent about 20 minutes going over each animal, looking at the price and doing simple math in our heads. We split the $4.25 so we each basically had $2.00 each to spend. LB picked Duck and Cow (both of which were $0.98) and I picked squirrel, who was $1.98

Meet Squirrel:

awwww.. it's so FLUFFY!!!

with in seconds of taking the picture above, something horrible happened. I patted Squirrel on the head and...

his nose fell off! :(

I was so sad.

So I tried to mend poor squirrel...

 Squirrel didn't like that because he could no longer see his nuts.

Meatball Craving

I went to Jersey at the end of December and was introduced to a whole new version of Italian. It was amazing. And for the first time in my life, I had meatballs and it changed my life.

I can't stop thinking about them. I want meatballs all the time. I just had them on Monday of last week and that didn't fix a thing. I want more. I want meatballs all the time. I also want Risotto balls from Borgo.

I came across this today:

Angie’s Meatballs

Yield: 12 Meatballs

Tomato Pasta Sauce
4 oz ground beef
4 oz ground pork
1/4  cup Italian breadcrumbs
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
2.5 tbsp minced onion
2 tbsp milk
1 egg
1 clove minced garlic
1/4 tsp ground black pepper

Preparation:

Heat sauce over medium-high heat.

Combine beef, pork, breadcrumbs, cheese, onion, milk, egg, garlic and pepper. Shape into 12, 1-inch meatballs. Cook in skillet over medium heat until brown on all sides. Move to oven and cook at 350 degrees for 10 minutes until cooked throughout. Serve over pasta with a generous portion of Pasta Sauce (or as my relatives call it-- gravy).

WANT!!!

some one help me please... this is out of control.

Turn Me Off

There are simple little things a man can do when I am first getting to know him that will turn me off. Though, most of these are not deal breakers... they are however strikes against the boy. 

1) texting on a first date or any date:

This stands for friends, lovers, mothers, fathers and boyfriends. You are with me, and I am with you. Don't text. It can wait. If it can't wait, just excuse yourself. "Excuse me, I need to just touch base with so and so.." or "Oh, bla-bla-bla just texted me... I'm just going to see if everything is OK and let them know that I'll talk to them later." AND further more... turn that text message notification off. Please. Thanks. xxoo

2) artful text messaging:

While we are on the subject of text messaging, I have to also say... I judge you if you write in short hand. Anyone who writes to me with "ur" instead of "your/you're/etc" or even the an "lol"... I judge you. Most of you. 95% of all written communication should be done properly. It looks gross and sloppy if you can't use basic English and punctuation in your messages. I'm in my 30's and anyone else in or around my age should write well. I'm not a perfect writer, by any means... but I try my best to be articulate. Maybe I'm a bit of a prep but it looks bad if you can't write. and even worse if you choose not to write properly. Also... don't leave a girl hanging. Let her know you are busy if you can't text back within 12 hours. ALSO-- you can call me too. I am timid to call when first getting to know a person so I'll text to make sure it's OK for me to call before I call.

3) talking about past relationships:

It's important to know what a persons past is. But you don't need to dump it on your date within in the first few hours of meeting them.  Ease into it. Ideally... I like to move slowly when it comes to opening up, like a blossom. I will start dropping some of my secrets after the 3rd date, if things are going well. I have had a past as many healthy people have when they hit their 30's. I have good things and not so good things... I have learnt a lot and I like to share. But in time... but not too long. I should know the bases of who you are and what you've been through within the first 3 or 4 months of being together. And you should know the same.

4) manners:

I like a man who treats me like a lady. Wait for me to get in the door when you drop me off (this is almost a deal breaker for me), make sure you take me to my door-- don't just leave me as you jump into a cab after the date is done and expect me to want to go out with you again, help me with my coat, don't ask-- just do. Be confident in your manhood. I am a soft but strong woman. I will pay but I like it when a man won't let me. I'll carry my bags but I've always been impressed when the man I'm with just takes them. I won't fight you on it... I just never think to expect that someone else will look after me. But when they do, I like it. I in turn will look after you as well. It's just nice to be treated like a woman just as you like to be treated like a man. I shouldn't have to say this either but Please, Thank You, You're Welcome are all things that should be a given. Also, let me take your arm when we walk. I like to feel close to you.

5) don't get drunk:
on our first date, I don't want to see you sloppy with your alcohol. 2 glasses of wine TOPS if we are out for dinner. No shots. Unless I've known you well before our first date... then these rules relax a little. And smoking is gross.

That's about it... I think. When I go out with a boy, the first date I look for the following:

What does he do when the bill comes.
(I will always offer to pay on a first date and plan to pay but really.. I don't want to be taken up on it)

What does he do after the bill is paid and we leave.
(does he help me with my coat, does he hold the door)

Does he take me to door and then wait for me to get in.

and that's about it. You may think it's silly and old fashion but what I'm looking for is a guy who is thinking of me. There are other things that can be done to express this "thinking of you" vibe. I obviously don't want to date a guy who is purely invested in themselves and their experience. I am not one of those kinds of people so why would I want to date one?

What about you? Do you have little tricks or things that you look for? Turn offs and turn ons? This is all part of formal dating... sometimes when I meet someone just out of the blue, none of this stuff matters... but it doesn't hurt to look for it. Right?

Fall In Love Again

This summer, I fell in love again. With myself.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago about how I courted myself during my pensive days of summer. Monday was date night, the rest of the nights were devoted to others. I couldn't remember what I had called it... Mono-Monday's? My Monday? ... errrr... I couldn't remember.

and then I saw it..

Onesie Monday and I found this post. I remember that day. It was a good day. Since then, I don't have a second though about doing anything on my own. Expect maybe travel. People seem to be telling me to be careful.

An old friend said this to me:

"I love your hunger for life but agree with your mom. No big time travels for you on your own! You're too little on the outside even if you're big on the inside..."

and I wrinkled up my nose like a 5 year old in stubborn rebellion.

 

We'll see.. I can do it. I make up my own rules (no offence JS, if you read this!).

 

I didn't mean to get into this. I just wanted to remind myself of that post about Onesie Monday and how much fun I had courting myself in the summer. it's like the final part of that relationship should be a romantic vacation for onesie. Oui?

Adventure

Last night over spaghetti and meat balls, I talked about travel . I can talk about life, love, travel and food till the cows come how and dinner is ready to be cleared. I feel rather sad for Mr.SL who just had to listen. I decided yesterday that I need to take a trip on my own. I have decided this a few times and I kind of toy with the idea in my mind but really.. it feels like my life if just waiting for me to do this.

I need this.

I am looking for my sign, on where to go. My heart keeps saying Italy and my mum keeps saying no. It's not safe. I think it is. It is, isn't it? For a solo woman to travel...? It's safe? Right?

I want a place where there are no safety nets. I want a place that is going to challenge me but not completely freak me out. I just want to go. I want to go, experience and come back. This has to be done. I just need to buy a ticket and go.

There is far to much in this world to see, I need to start chipping away at it now. I can't wait for people... I can't wait for anyone. I have the means now to do it. I need to do something.

Then I saw this post on my favorite blog:

Italy Tips and I wonder if this is my sign?

I'm not sure what kind of questions I need to ask myself. Maybe I have to ask myself "what it is that I want to see?" "What is it that I want to experience?"...

Where do you think a good place would be for a solo female traveler to go?

Strawberry Jam Came Home

last night I brought my baby home. I call her Strawberry Jam. She's an Art & Lutherie and she's a spruce Burgundy with built in electronics. I didn't buy her myself. She's a collection of effort and love from some of the most important people in my life.

My parents, my sister, two of my BFF's Laura and Reena and Mr. SL.

This guitar makes my heart sing, just like they do. What could be more special then that?

It's been a year long trek. A year of woes, joys and other such adventures. I always turned back to my guitar though and so it was time to buy one for real. She's big, but I can handle her. She's rich and soulful.

She's a ginger too.

Welcome to the family, Strawberry Jam-- big red.

Writing

photo borrowed from here

My blog is a place I put my head. I put the words, thoughts, ideas and feelings that swim around in my mind. I put them all to see. Granted it's maybe about 15% of what actually goes through my head and then lots of stuff I like and want, but it's me. In a nut shell.

This blog has no really theme or rhythm other then it being about me. Or from me.

I suppose if you are a religious reader you might know me a bit better by the flow of things. You can tell when I'm happy or when I'm sad, when I'm distracted or angry. You can tell when something is bothering me and when it's not. You might be able to tell when I've had my heart broken or when I'm in the flowering stages of love or when I'm in the process of shifting my reality. You may know the challenges I have seen and watched me over come them, you may have also watched me make massive mistakes and shook your head when you finally saw the post where I suddenly get it.

Or you may just read through, hoping I'll write something of substance.

It's just me talking to myself... that's really all this is. I don't share it all, and that I do share is sometimes written on code but I like it. It's therapeutic.. it's like journaling. For me.

When I am bored, I love to sift through my posts. I enjoy reading what I was doing on this day last year. Last year, on this day I was in love with my grapefruit knife. What you also don't really know is my life was at that pivotal point of change. Where I was getting ready to let go of something that wasn't working for me and about to meet and jump into the arms of something that would. For a few months at least.

I look back to who that woman was last year and I want to hug her and tell her that she will get strong and she will be proud of herself. I also want to tell her to be a little more fearless... that people you think you might chase away are going to go away regardless of who you are. And the ones that are meant to be around, will stick around. It's nothing personal, really.

and also, try not to worry about Folk Fest... that will blow over. Hopefully. I'm still kind of waiting for that to blow over. Sometimes you just want someone to like you so much because they mean so much to someone in your life but they just don't like you... and the more you try the more you think you are misunderstood and the worse you make it.

Accept that you can't make everyone happy but the people you can't make happy may make other people happy who in turn make you happy. It will work out, it will... it has too... things always do.

and be thankful for the people in your life that do get you... be thankful for your fiend with boundaries, ZT. He was the saving grace that weekend.. WOOOOHOOOO Unicorn Man!!

anyway, it's the end of the day and I've been eating too much sugar and I had a little caffeine so... a glass of wine is in order.

I'm in some kind of weird emotional limbo that is best not to bestow onto anyone... expect those I really love. Haha...

have a lovely weekend... you are loved.

xxoo