Values, Love and Relationship

I have come to understand over the last year how important values are in relationships of all types.Values, quite simply, are about what you believe you fundamentally need in order to live your life authentically and to be happy.

Your values are your own and whatever you’re prioritising in your life and swearing up and down that you need and can’t survive without, will tell you a lot about your mentality and your direction. Little do you realise that you may actually be taking yourself off course and busting your own boundaries in the process.

We have a tendency to do a few things that cause us to wind up in a lot of problems:


1) We get sidetracked by secondary values which are stuff like common interests, appearance and anything that is ‘nice to have’ but doesn’t really tell you a great deal about the person and when all is said and done, it won’t make a difference if primary ‘core’ values are not shared.

2) We make assumptions about what the existence of some values, qualities and characteristics mean and assume that other values that we desire are also present. I hear so many people say that they met someone who looked as they would like or was super intelligent or they had various common interests with, or they go to church / are the same religion and yet they don’t understand why they clash, have entirely different characters, or don’t want similar things. It’s like 2 + 2 + 1 = 100.

3) We ignore the vital feedback communicated from people’s actions and words and in fact tend to be blinded by our own values. “Well I do ______ and _____ and ______ is important to me so why aren’t they doing and being the same?”

Errrr because values are personal.

Your job isn’t to make someone have the same values as you; your job is to respect and live by your own values and find likeminded folk. We also persist in focusing on values that we think are important to us that are being met, yet completely ignore the fact that the problems we are experiencing are not only being caused by other values, but that they are also giving us feedback that communicates that we either don’t understand what’s important to us and are ignoring it to our detriment, or who we say we are and what we want is not true.

You have all sorts of values and together they are the sum of you.
You may never have truly given a great deal of thought to what these values are, but they are a mix of personal values (your character and personal code of ethics) along with stuff like economic, religious, sexual, religious, political, social, hobbies and interests, appearance etc. If you want to be happy in or out of a relationship, it’s time to heed your own values.

1. If you have some critical differences on the personal values front, it does not matter which other values you claim to share, your relationship isn’t going to work. A lot of people prioritise being in a relationship, companionship, getting laid etc, but I’ve yet to come across one person who is genuinely happy doing these things with someone who is for instance, a liar, cheat, abusive, and who doesn’t treat them with love, care, trust, and respect.

Personal values represent character and boundaries hence if you’re with someone whose character isn’t similar or at the very least compliments yours, you will bust your own boundaries by deviating greatly from your values while at the same time they will bust yours.

You will find that there are many differences that can be overcome when you respect the individuality of others as opposed to trying to make people be a clone of you and/or blaming yourself for why they’re not, however, boundary busting personal values is not one of them. And remember: If you go along with another person’s dodgy values, it is time to have an honest conversation with yourself about your own personal values.... Men who eye up underage girls, or who lie with the ease of drawing breath and yet they were still there. Come.On.Now.

2. Shared values engenders trust hence if you are experiencing trust issues, it’s an alarm alerting you to a difference in core values, likely on the personal values front, that’s behind the area of distrust. There’s either a very crucial difference in how you each conduct yourselves or there’s a very crucial difference in how you want to live or one, or both of you are trying to make the other take on the other person’s values.

Let me say it again – we trust people with whom we share core values. If you also want to understand why you keep getting into similar unhealthy relationships it’s because while you may profess certain values, you ‘trust’ in the feedback from that person possessing certain values that speak to your own pattern. Hence you may feel more trusting of someone who is shady and dodging a relationship, not because you’re truly ‘trusting’ them, but more because you trust that this relationship is ‘safe’, that you can seek validation, and that you can fulfil your self-fulfilling prophecy that speaks to your own beliefs about you, love, and relationships.

3. Look at what keeps coming back up and causing issues in a relationship – no matter what is being said, it tells you a hell of a lot about where there are incompatibilities with your values. This information will either tell you why your relationship isn’t going to work or is at the very least highlighting where you need to be focused. I’ve had so many people share stories (I've shared a lot of my own) about how they were with someone who was so attractive, sexy, shared common interests, kind to animals/children, mentioned back in 1983 that they might want to get married or that they’d like a relationship one day, they made them laugh and yada yada yada. This is all well and good but if this was what was the bread and butter of your relationship, you wouldn’t be experiencing major problems.

All this he said/she said and blowing smoke up people’s bums and pumping them up is a waste of your time because you’re looking at the wrong information. The net result of your relationship, the areas where you’re struggling – this is telling you where you don’t share values or where there’s certainly a miscommunication of them.

4. Be careful of the silent handshake in values. If you stick with someone who doesn’t share core values, they assume that you’re not serious about your own values and that you’re actually now sharing theirs. Of course you may be assuming the same thing. Do not ignore core differences that will take you away from being you and certainly don’t proceed on the assumption that they’re going to abandon their own. Love is not about having the power to change someone.

5. You are not looking for a clone of you. I know many couples who have different values but share core values where it counts. It means that it doesn’t matter what colour they are or religion or size or political party – when it comes down to how they each want to live their lives and how they want to treat one another, they are on the same page. Equally I know a lot of people who value certain things and so even if they had all of this in common, they wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t the same religion, colour, political party etc. That’s their prerogative – these are their values to live by but never allow someone who is very rigid about these things to be with you (someone who doesn’t embody this value) and then use it as an excuse to mistreat you or not commit.


Moral of the story:
Someone may be great on illusionary paper, but it’s values that show who they are and whether your relationship can happen in reality.

THE END! xxoo

12 Signs

Being that I have been through hell and back with matters of the heart (many of us have) and I can say with confidence that I am a better person because of it. I am the go to woman for break-ups and matter of the heart. Boys come to me, girls come to me... it's what I do. I'm a good friend and I have been through almost everything.

I had to deal with matters of my own heart last month and I did rather well. But, I was a little confused getting to that point. I use Google a lot to help me out. I found this list:

**

12 Signs You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend or Spouse

Breaking up is never easy (especially if it’s not your decision), but oftentimes it is necessary. Perhaps it’s a matter of growing apart or falling out of love. Perhaps one or both of you just aren’t into each other anymore. In extreme cases, perhaps the relationship has become emotionally and/or physically abusive, alternating between cold, sullen resentment and overt hostility.

People stay in unsatisfying and/or toxic relationships for a variety of reasons: fear of being alone, fear of change, the comfort of the familiar vs. the fear of the unknown, financial reasons, children, religious beliefs, etc. We tell ourselves it’s not that bad or things will get better as a reason (i.e., excuse) not to make a difficult, but positive change. Unhappiness in your primary relationship affects every area of your life—physical and mental health, career and other relationships.

Below are some strong signs that it’s time to end your current relationship:

1.    If you’ve been hurt physically.
Ignore excuses and apologies; if violence has surfaced, it will surface again. Get out at the very first strike. This goes for men, too. If your partner, pushes, kicks, shoves or slaps you and/or throw things at you; GET OUT. Physical violence isn’t acceptable from either sex.

2.    When you’re totally incompatible.
If your partner’s dream is to travel the road as a wandering musician and you’re a city person with ambitions, one or both of you will probably be unhappy if you stay together. Relationships have a better chance at being successful with people whom we share similar values and goals.

3.    When he or she isn’t even close to your fantasy.
You may be tempted to stay with someone just because they’re available and willing, but this is generally a bad idea. There should be some chemistry in order to have a successful future.

4.    When he or she just can’t say I love you.
Even if there’s chemistry, if someone can’t express their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the words “I love you,” you’ll never really feel satisfied with them.

5.    When he or she just isn’t there for you.
If you’ve been together a while and can’t count on him or her to come get you if your car breaks down, or to attend family or work events, then you don’t have a solid relationship.

6.    When you’re afraid to express yourself.
Being in love should bring out the best in you. It should help you to be less self-conscious and make you more open and alive. If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time because your partner is emotionally volatile and verbally abusive, it’s probably a sign that this is not the right relationship for you.

7.    When your self-esteem is suffering.
If your relationship is demeaning, makes you feel bad about yourself, leaves you feeling like you’re not heard, and you’re getting more criticism than praise, then it’s time to end it. A good relationship makes you feel respected and loved, worthwhile and good about yourself.

8.    When he or she is a philanderer.
Serial philanderers usually have a pattern of behavior. If you discover your mate has that kind of history, don’t believe “never again.” The heartache and torment will never end.

9.    When he or she commits an unforgivable act.
There are single acts so horrid that they should mean the END. If he or she sleeps with your best friend, is disrespectful to your family, consistently criticizes and undermines you, stands you up at the altar, or commits murder, end the relationship with no second chances.

10.    When the same problems recur again and again.
Loving someone doesn’t always guarantee you can spend the rest of your lives together. If you’ve broken up and reunited and you’re still having the same fights, the same problems or different versions of the same problem, especially if you’ve tried relationship counseling, it’s probably best to end the relationship. Saying, “things will be better” and actually making things better by changing attitudes and behaviors aren’t the same thing. The former is lip service and mollification; the latter is growth.

11.    When he or she says, “I need some space.”
The relationship seems to have stalled and your partner says something like, “I want time,” or “I want space,” or “I think we should see other people,” or “I need to devote myself to my career.” Almost always, what he or she means is “I want out.” These things happen, don’t drag it out. You might say, “Sounds like you want to break up. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I hope we can remain friends.”

12.    When the relationship just doesn’t progress.
Relationships have a natural progression. If you’re not progressing and you can’t pinpoint the cause, you might want to try couple’s counseling. However, if he or she won’t go, or goes but doesn’t think there’s a problem or can’t see his or her role in the problem, and/or uses counseling to blame and trash you while exonerating him- or herself, the relationship is coming to an end.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

**

When talking to a girlfriend of mine about her relationship, I realised she was having the same concerns as me. I told her how things were for me, what I did and then I sent her this list. This is a great list, in my opinion, of the boundaries and such that you should look for. When I first became an adult, I thought to myself that the worst that could ever happen would be to have a man hit me. I came to learn that there are other things that can occur in relationships that are just as bad as being harmed physically.

This day I have a strong sense of self, a good idea of what I'm looking for an I belive that I deserve my best and someone elses best. I am able to accept almost anything, so I have to find someone who won't abuse that. I find myself on a new path now, so we'll see where this ones goes.

Oh love, how I love thee.

6 Month Check-In 2011

I created an outline at the beginning of 2011. I usually do this around my birthday, I can't help it. My mind just wants to evaluate my life progress but this year, it happened right at the start of the year. I'm moving into my 6 month review of those "goals" i created.

The biggest thing was maintaining the growth I was working on with myself. In 2010 I was finding that in classes and learned activities however in 2011 I am finding that on a much deeper level. It can't be manipulated or forced as I am finding it in the evolution of my relationships. I have had to learn to let go of a lot of those connections. Some of them were easier then others. I've also been enjoying the growth of a relationship that has quickly come to mean a lot to me. I've been stretching my vulnerability and therefore opening myself up for the potential of failure and more importantly... success.

Travel has been slowly occurring, though the steps have been small, right now, I am getting there. In my mind I see everything picking up speed a little later on. It's nice having someone in my life who makes things happen quicker than I do. I'm so used to being the one who makes all the choices and plans and for once, I'm not. I have someone who meets me half way and creates the opportunities for me to grasp onto.

As I start to settle down into a new routine of sleep and relating I am aware that I am starting to make plans. I have a goal to create my own business. Just a small one funded by my own dollars. It's so obtainable that I can taste it. I just need to decide on my direction. With some further focus I think I'll be able to start something. What I have to remind myself is that the first try doesn't need to be perfect. I just need to get my foot wet and go from there. I get stuck on the perfection and details and for once I need to have faith and just do. Obviously not with complete ignorance but I don't need to have every detail hashed out. I'm not going to loose much so lets just jump in and do it!

I am also aware that my job needs to change. I've been hanging in there in attempts to reclaim that sense of satisfaction I used to get from it. It's lost though so I am asking myself questions like "What do I want to do next" "Do I want to stay in the industry?" "What options do I have?"and see where that leads me. I'm keeping myself open to change by talking to different people and checking jobs. Researching companies I might be interested in working for. Its less about what I do and more about who I work for. A company can do so much to a career. I'm always open to changes... I think about the goals I have and how I can use my work to help me achieve them further like should I try to find a job with West Jet? I'm also searching for something that might be that one job that I keep for the rest of my life. Or at least the field. Art Therapy for Children? Dietitian? Social Worker? Geologist? Civil Engineer? Life Coach? Magazine Editor and Founder? Some of these things I can't see myself staying in school for that long but as I have done with most other jobs I start at the bottom and work my way up. Taking advantage of training and experience.

I'm proud to say that most of the fears that ruled my life last year have pretty much disappeared over the last 5 months. The OCD is 96.5% gone- just POOF! Gone. I am still amazed at how authentically I'm functioning. I don't have the created distractions anymore, really... my biggest distraction right now is my heart and that's a good thing. It's healthy. I can tell though I get a little overwhelmed at times with how much capacity I have for feelings towards another person who isn't just a friend but I'm not that scared anymore. I've even abolished that careful nature I tend to exhibit.

I'm still working on the guitar and slowly see an improvement in my playing skills. I practice about 3 or 4 times a week. I don't want to lose those callouses I worked so hard on! I'm also working on my baking, not to the degree that I wanted so I'm going to have to kick that up a notch. I have ideas and plan to jump into some creativity in the next little while. I've been jumping on opportunities as I see them, even if I have no business applying. If want to try something, I put myself out there and see what happens. It's like a lottery, you won't know unless you play. I've been writing and that's hasn't changed. I don't have any direction for it right now but I enjoy it and it helps me work though my thoughts so that's a benefit. I have dissolved most of my photography to my iPhone. Last year, I did all that work cataloguing and listing all the different plants I noticed through spring and summer. I'm not looking to dedicate myself to something like that with pictures this year. Right now, it's just about playing and capturing moments or thoughts. Momentary inspirations. I've been working really hard on myself, personally. I want to give myself a little slack and learn to practice a little more self acceptance. It's been hard but I'm dedicated. I am very aware that I see myself though very critical lenses and that has to stop. Last but not least, I need to figure out a way to help people. More than what I do but actually dedicate an activity to someone or someones. I don't know what I have to offer. I've run personal development courses before with other instructors but I wouldn't know where to start with that. This isn't for money this is me trying to find a way to help something. I think that will come in time but it's something that I have in my head.

This is where life is so far. I think it's right on track and I'm so happy with where things are right now. I have lots of things coming up and lots of things to work on and discover. It's always exciting and it's extra exciting having a strong support system in my relationship.

With that note, I'm going to sign off for the night and watch some bad TV (that's right... somethings shouldn't change) and then read the rest of my book(s). I'm working on two right now. That's actually a pretty decent size. I'm used to reading 4 or 5 books at the same time. Not recommended.

How does your life look so far this year? Is it on track? Has the track changed?

on edit:
I have two goals left that I always forget to write down. I need to have a dinner party and I want to get over this driving thing. I'd like to achive both of those in the next year. Not a big deal... at all.

Being Human

No strings attached

Who wants to be a crier
a liar
a trier

Who wants to blend in
stand apart
accepted
or be rejected.

Who wants to love
hate
mate

Who wants to be happy most of the time
and sad some of the time

Who wants to admit that they aren't perfect
that they make mistakes

Who wants to never be the smartest
or the brightest
or the dumbest

Who wants to be healthy
sick
young
old

Who wants to be messy
and then clean it up
only to make a mess again
and then leave it for the day

Who wants to care about another
and get hurt
and then care again
and then love deeper then ever thought possible
and then fight
and then make up.

Who wants to wake up in the morning and go to work
at a bad job
a good job
an old job
a new job

Who wants to take a chance
and fail
or succeed

Who wants that
who wants to be human?

I do.

Flashback

This morning the past zipped up and swatted me on the side of the head- 3 times!

Incident #1: Jon-a-tron
Walking to work, I cross the street seeing a man walking towards me with a baby stroller. Didn't think anything about it but then all of the sudden something seemed familiar, so I looked back at the guy. He had a big smile on his face and I knew, it was my friend Jonathan. I hadn't seen him in years, I know he's happily married with his first kid. Floored I gave him a giant hug and then introduced myself to Cameron, the little guy.


Jonathan was at one point one of my closet friends through a very tumultuous time in my life. We hung out every day for months but as life goes, things happen and relationships drift apart. The last I remember talking to him he had just proposed to the woman of his dreams. Though delighted, our lives took separate turns and we just stopped talking. People come and go and this just happened to have been one of those situations.


As it turns out he now lives at the end of my block (small world!) with his wifey and baby. It was nice to reconnect, though it was only for a brief moment. It meant a lot and put a smile on my face.


Incident #2: married man
Many months ago, actually maybe it was a year ago, I kept running into this man who worked in my office building. I'd see him when I'd go grab breakfast and I'd see him when I'd go out for drinks with the girls on Friday. He made some pretty forward advances on me and I found out he was married. Well, I tore a nice little strip off of him and put him in his place. Every time I would run into him he would instantly lower his eyes to his shoes and turn bright red. I wasn't bothered by the situation at all, he was the married one with the shity moral values. Today, I ran into him first thing, taking the elevator up to work. It was just me and him so I smiled and made polite conversation. I can tell he knows my boundaries but it was pleasant to be able to have a normal conversation with him. I was pleased to see that he was also wearing his wedding ring.


Incident #3: John
It has been years since I have talked to John. He was a former boyfriend which waffled between a serious relationship to a not so serious relationship to a serious relationship again. For my own sanity I had to remove myself from contact with John because it was important for me to establish some space and grow without the distraction. I am not exaggerating when I say that I haven't had any contact with John for years. When I came into work this morning I saw that I had an email from him, it wasn't anything personal it was actually information from him informing me that he was doing an epic ride/adventure for cancer. In the past he has donated to all my causes and this morning, my gut said "Blanche, it's time to come out of hiding and show some support". So I did. It may not sound like much but I donated to his cause and wrote a little note of encouragement. This was an important step for me to take to marry all the growth that I have done now with my past.


I am sure none of these things sound like much to you, but for me they were gigantic moments especially to happen all in one day. I am reminded of who I was, the strength I have and who I am today. There are no expectations or forecasts over any of these events, they are what they are. Isolated occurrences to remind me of lessons I've learnt.

The Older Man and the Sea

There comes a time when I knew I would have to stop hiding. Stop hiding for the past, the future and all the things that scare me. I have to stand up and look you square in the face, be honest with myself and smile. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or the wrong thing however it was what I chose for now. A safe move but a challenging one, for me.

You've found me, actually you knew where I was the whole time- I was just fooling myself. Though a man of many faces you are looking and sounding well. I'm proud of what you have done and what you are doing. Enjoy your epic journey, you have always inspired me.

The Catcher in the Rye

Fascinated I was when I first read The Catcher in the Rye. Caught up somewhere in Jr High I spent most of my time skipping school or with my nose in a book. This being one of them...
10 years later I was astonished when a man I was seeing had never read it. He who had taught me so much about life had not read this book which had made it on many "top book" lists.

I found a ratty, much loved copy of it one day in a book store near my place in a small town I was living in. I brought it home, wrote a note in it and left it on his pillow for him to find. I was brought up with the understanding that one does not give a book as a gift without writing in it first. As I think back to it now, I don't remember what I wrote. I do remember it being off center and a bit long though. That's my usual style though... I can't help it, just me being me.

Time passed, things came and went and life changed.. years later I was sitting at my desk at a new job and in a new place in my life. A package arrived for me at work and after recognizing the writing on the wrapping I waited days before opening it. When I finally did inside I found a time capsule of memories, things that I had forgotten and grown past. Most of it I didn't bother with, some old photos I'd forgotten about, a CD I still haven't played, a note I didn't really read and the copy of The Catcher in the Rye. I'll admit... my stomach did a little flip and my heart sank a bit.

I flipped through the pages and came across my note I had written a few years earlier which was now was accompanied by a note of his own. I read it and re-read it and then took it and put it away with the rest of the past. This book had become a bitter vessel of communication between us. I didn't need it in my life.

A few more years later I battled silently one afternoon as I sorted through my heaps of books. One pile to go to the used book store, the other to keep. I put The Catcher in the Rye in the "used book store" pile and moments later took it out and put it in the "Keep" pile. Taking it out again I put it back in the "Used Book Store" pile and back again to the "Keep" pile. I flipped so many times that to this day I don't know if I kept the book or not. What I do know though, is I tried to be a Catcher in the Rye and it didn't work and somewhere there is book with a piece of my story in it.

Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.

-J.D. Salinger, 1919- 2010

Californequation

There is this thing. It's a part of me (this is a some what serious post by the way)... I don't really know if it's a person or an old relationship or just plain ol' junk in my trunk that rattles around every time I take a sharp corner. Regardless, it's this thing and it just doesn't go away. I wonder if I'm being silly now... second guessing my choices or maybe I've just forgotten why I made the choices I did. Exactly how long does one play Hide and Go Seek for? I've been found- sort of. But I don't want to give up and maybe that's part of the problem is that I'm hiding, waiting to be seeked when really I should just get up out of my hiding spot and go the heck home. I thought that's what I was doing... but the game just followed me. I've told him, I don't want to play anymore. I tried to stand out in the open but he just walks up and tugs on my arm till I can't ignore him anymore. I'm strong, I can turn around and pretend he's not there but I can't ignore the tugs. Not on the inside. I talked to a lady about this once, she told me the whole thing was like a drug and if I kept it in my life it would eventually eat me up. I talked to the police about it and they told me I should be scared, but I'm not. I talked to the phone company and they gave me a deal when I changed my phone number. I talk to my friends and they tell me not to talk at all, not to this thing at least.

It's not working though... I've picked up and move on and I've grown somewhat numb to it. Numb to most of it except for the silliness I feel. I feel silly. I feel immature and silly. This is going come out all wrong but it's be best I can do- if Hank Moody and Karen can function dysfunctional- why can't I? True, I don't have kid and I'm not like Karen however this thing is an awful lot like Hank Moody in more ways then I describe. This thing treats me like Hank treats Karen yet I treat Hank like how Kevin Bacon treated those Tremor things. I know, that doesn't really make sense to you but it makes sense to me. Even though I never ever though I would ever compare myself to Kevin Bacon... never mind, it's not really important.

I wonder if I can turn around and be friends now. Not even friends, just let myself be accessible so then the emotional charge of finding me will be gone and all anxiety will dissolve. I had good reasons at the time for turning my back on everything and it kept being confirmed year after year after year of ignoring him and he just kept on. I'm sick of this story but I can never write an end for it. Like a puzzle that never gets solved, it's exhausting and I throw it away but someone keeps giving it back to me to finish... I just don't know how to finish.

How do I finish this?

Or is it finished like one of those math equations with a repeating number that goes on forever after the decimal point- you know it is the answer but the answer doesn't have really have a satisfying end. It's my Californequation...

ahhh yes, this post is written mostly just for me. Something to empty my mind into... Sorry if it doesn't make any real sense.

... and the game is now complete!

It's been a while and I honestly don't remember when I left. 4 years ago? Doesn't matter really. I got out, saved myself and after 3 awkward years of blocking emails, ignoring phone calls, changing numbers and shedding tears I can say that things are finally complete. Last month with a call to my cell phone provider I changed my number and turned my back fully on a life that was once uncomfortably mine. That statement isn't truly fair... uncomfortable isn't always a nasty thing, I can appreciate all that I learnt and grew a lot from the adventures I endured.

It's over now, the memories are a dull buzz in the back of my head. I don't have a trace of anything left in my body and now my focus is turned on becoming stronger. Change feels good, it's liberating and laced so sweetly with power. My power. My power that I gave up all those years ago. I gave change some space for breath in case a retaliation may occur but all seems to have fared well and I am optimistic once again.

I no longer morn the person I once was before I found myself in the storm. The person I am today survived and tried, proving that I have what it takes to battle the worst. I've learnt to trust those instincts I was given and how to deceiver them from doubt. Though I see that I move at a much slower pace when it comes to matters of the heart I imagine that in time that may change. Testing the waters one toe at a time... I have to remind myself that I can swim. I can keep myself a float.

Good-bye old love, the 3 penny opera is done, my bags are put away and the game is now complete!

(image borrowed from GettyImages via google)

Just Us Hens

Tonight, my mum asked me to go to a movie and being the good, dutiful daughter I am, I went. I love my mum and regardless of what that psychic told me 2 years ago I have a wonderful relationship with her. My dad's away on business and our dog is in the animal hospital recovering from surgery.

side note:

Riq, our 10 year old Golden Retriever has been through a journey these last few weeks- found a tumor (bad) took it out (good) the mass was contained (excellent!). Just in case, better check the rest of him (good thinking) found he had a mass in his liver (bad), better check his blood- uhoh! Cancer (badder) put him under again and removed 3/4's of his liver and found that the cancer was also in his gallbladder (baddest) but they think they got it all (good) and he has now come out of the anaesthetic and is doing well (even better!). The vet's just want to keep their eyes on him one last night JUST in case (WONDERFUL!).

So with that being said my mum needed some distraction tonight so we decided to watch My Sisters Keeper... actually there was no "we" in that- it was my mum and I'll see just about any movie (within reason.). Initially I had no intention of seeing it- sappy, sad, cancer dying movies don't top my movie watching lists. It's not because I'm a hard and crusty around the edges it more that I have such a heightened sense of empathy that movies like that can do a number on me. You think I'm exaggerating but I'm not- you should have been in the car with me after watching Benjamin Button.

We were a half hour early which was a good thing because within 15 minutes the theater was 3/4 of the way full. With only women. I can honestly say that I have never in my life been to a movie where every seat was filled and it was ALL women. OK- there was one guy and he was 92 years old but other then that there were so many women in the theater I thought I might have an estrogen overdose.

I've never seen a thing like it before and it was actually lovely because the usual loud popcorn eaters and seat kickers were not present. Plus, those who felt inclined to get a little misty eyed or fall into violent sobs were free to do so because they were in the company of other women. It was like being in the ladies washroom, there were tissues, gum and chap stick being passed around like a joint at Woodstock '68.

Over all the movie was good, I didn't find it sad as much as I found it touching. There was a fantastic range of acting ability which impressed me more then anything. Type "A" chick movie that didn't focus on a relationship between a man and a woman but more the intertwining of the family dynamic, the whole cancer thing was in the background. This movie isn't for everyone but gauging by the reactions from the other hens in theater this movie was for them.

I'm glad I saw it.

Checkmate

You've been chasing me around this chess board way to long. Today, I made my move- Checkmate!

This game is mine now.

I've Out Grown You

Last night I watched "The Bridal Wars" or something to that title. I usually don't like those kinds of movies, or at least I say I don't. They often leave me cranky, bitter and full of angst because I swear that they create unrealistic expectations for romance. I wrinkle my nose (for real- I do... just thinking about it I found my self doing it.) at those tear jerking moments of glee between sweet love.

All is always so convenient, and perfect and so unlike life. I can feel the disappointment building up in the countless single women out there when they realize that men fart, and sometimes are jerks and say shitty things. They don't know the difference between Birks and buying a necklace from one of those quarter machines at the doors in the supermarkets and truth be told and they don't want to always rub your feet. All in all, really it doesn't matter... the air clears, they say they are sorry (and sometimes we can be jerks too) and isn't it just nice that they were thinking of you when they bought you that shiny bit of something?

OK- off topic.. what I initially wanted to talk about was change...evolution. There was a moment in the movie last night that one of the main characters said to her soon to be husband "I'm not the girl I was 10 years ago, the problem is... you are still in love with the girl from 10 years ago."

In other words- I've out grown you. That is a wonderful and scary place to be all at once. On one side you realise that you do have a back bone.. you've grown as a person and posses a whole new plethora of skills. Ones that might allow you to speak your mind, be your self or possibly regenerate like some superheros I know... on the other hand though its scary because it means that in order to obtain satisfaction from life you have to be true to your self. What may have been good 10 years ago may not be good now. The wonderful thing is that usually... if we don't try to hang on to what isn't ours we shed these old people, patterns and things like snakes shed their skin (i.e: lose the death grip).

It sometimes scares me when I see this popping up in my life, I want to grab everything and keep it just so until I am ready to make sense of what's about to happen. I make myself sick trying to take control of the uncontrollable making a bigger mess then what naturally would have been. Then I realise that things are just adjusting to the times and my shoulders relax and I finally let go and fall back into life. When I think of this moment I see a flower bursting open wide and bright-full of life. Unafraid of the visitors that come to play in their pollen and accepting of the elements around them. Fully participating in life. It's all rather wonderful... I'm fully participating in my life.

Old Love Hurts

My heart is pounding, palms sweaty, I'm light headed and I feel as though I've had too much coffee. Fear. I pick up the phone and dial the numbers... slowly, postponing what I am dreading. My tummy is sick and I don't want to do this but I want this to stop.

*takes a deep breath and picks up the phone again just as you send me another message*

What's In Your Freezer?

It was during a recent conversation with Laura that she informed me of the death of Shakespeare, the shop pet. He was a chatty blue budgie who I had spent much time making bird noises with while waiting for Laura to finish up at work. Sondra, the shop owner, took Shakespeare to the vet last week because he wasn't acting like his typical Shakespeare self. Sadly, the vet put him down so Sondra took his little body home and put it in the freezer-

"The FREEZER?!" I said, shocked.
"Yes," said Laura "the freezer."
"I've never heard of such a thing..." trailing off in though... I pictured myself at Sondra's house opening up the freezer to look for food and finding a frozen budgie instead. *shudder*

Laura then went on to tell me about the things her former roommate (who is also one of her good friends) left behind in their freezer:

1. a piece of her parents wedding cake


2. a piece of cake that had something to do with her sisters daughter


3. a dead hamster from 10 years ago


4. AND (wait for it)... her sisters placenta from her first born child. Just in case.
   

I was shocked, all I have in my freezer is food that I plan to eat like frozen veggies, ice cream, cookie dough... Again, my mind wandered off into the dark world of reaching into the freezer for a popsicle and pulling out someones frozen placenta. *shudders* This makes the dead bird seem a lot more acceptable now. I guess people can be sentimental about things and who am I to judge. I still have some old love letters I got in Jr High School, but I don't keep those in the freezer. I suppose I understand the cake- especially the parents wedding cake. But weren't they suppose to eat that on their first year wedding anniversary?

"Another wedding cake tradition is to have the top layer of the cake made out of fruit cake. This layer is saved and frozen for the bride and groom to eat on their first anniversary."

Aw how romantic... I don't think I could wait a year for cake. Oh wait.. it's fruit cake- I can wait.

So tell me, what do you keep in your freezer?

The Unexplained Broken Heart

I don't understand why it is that I feel as though I have a broken heart. Everything in my life points to it not being this way but I can't always ignore that dull weight that holds me back every so often. Perhaps it's a sign that I've outgrown what I have now.

"Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do with the left
over you?
How do you know when to let go,
where does the good
go?"
Tegan and Sara

-Where Does the Good
Go

Sad Robot

I'm feeling stuck. Fighting an undertow and I must admit- I'm a bit like a sad robot.

Beep.

It's moments and days like these that I write things that I'd rather not admit. I keep them locked away in another blog because it's hard to show that even this girl has a sad moment.

I'd like to fix it but sometimes it's not my place to do so or even the right timing.

Sometimes life looks so different then from how I picture it. I get frustrated and and stuck in the undertow.

The Light Switch

I use to believe that when a person left the room that they would turn the lights off on their way out. With a flick of the finger things would go from brilliant, vivid and clear to dark, somber and lost. Only when the person would return would life return along with the light.

I accepted that things were this way. Eco-friendly. Resourceful. Environmentally Savvy.

I also must admit that I thought people were this way as well. That with a flick of a switch they could go from loving me to never wanting to be around me again. I find it rather sad to admit such shallow thoughts, I was naive to them until just recently.

It took being forgiven (for something really small and irrelevant.) to shift things for me. Shift things into a whole new light that perhaps people can be connected, accepting and genuinely forgiving. That feelings aren't black or white. Dark or light... and that when you walk out that door I'm not seeing you for the last time.

This is my light switch. I carry it around with me in my purse for now. I'm learning it's purpose having just found it jammed in the corner with a few other things. I want to eventually leave it behind when I go out the door because who knows! I might actually need it to turn the lights back on when I get home.

related:
Purses, Luggage and Trunks

Purses, Luggage and Trunks

Whether we like to admit it or not, we all have baggage. Some of us carry purses slung over our shoulders, others have wallets in their back pockets, many relentlessly grunt through life dragging Louis Vuitton trunks with matching wheelie suitcases. Regardless- we all have baggage in which we carry the tokens from our life; our identification. We never go anywhere with out it.

People scoff at it, assuming it makes a person tainted or broken in some obscene way. I disagree- it's not about the bag in which you carry, it’s what you have in the bag and how the person utilizes it through their life. That nasty breakup you had last year, the teasing you endured when you were 8 and last years berry tinted lip gloss all come in handy at some point or another. Though if we find ourselves carrying around so much that we can't physically make our way though life with out needing someone else to carry it for us, then you need to stop and take a better look at what exactly you are toting around with you. One needs to sit and sift through the clutter and crumbs, tossing (or packing) away the items that no longer serve a purpose. Do you really need to leave the house everyday with the memory of your 2nd grade teacher telling you that you’ll never amount to anything? How about that crumbly have eaten granola bar? I didn't think so.

Some of us find it hard to let go of these sentimental things though, holding onto them far past their expiry date. They occupy the space that could be filled with fresh new tokens giving everything a stale, musty, limiting odor.

I'm just like everyone else- I have a past. It's speckled with joy, hurt, love, hate, innocence, mistrust, abuse and adoration. As sentimental and sensitive I can be at times it has become important to me to ensure that each and every token has its place. I try to craft a more manageable version of the heavy, jagged ones with wisdom from the experience, tossing away the nasty assumptions and useless grudges that show up like empty candy wrappers. I am well aware that I still carry with me some items that aren’t really serving a positive influence (if any) on my life. Chewable Pepto-Bismol tablets, an old baby photo I never look at, a light switch… like lucky talismans I keep holding on- though I must admit the light switch is starting to seem a bit pointless these days.

Related: The Light Switch

Self Fulfilling Prophecies

I'm sure you've had those moments... the ones in which you know better than to do what you are about to do. Your choices are bright and shiny- very visible sitting in front of you. Yet you choose the one you know you shouldn't. Subconsciously, and more often than not consciously aware that what you are about to do is going to result in a certain unfavourable consequence.

That's called not listening to your gut.

We all (for the most part) know what is best for ourselves. Often though, we second guess and choose the later because it's safer. Or is some type of lazy denial. I've had that moment in my life, where my gut is screaming out for me not do what I am about to do. To stop, slow down and take the time to do it right. Or not do it at all...


Being somewhat short and a bit of clutter bug when I was younger I prided myself on being a collector of collections. I had over 150 pen pals from all over the world who I wrote to religiously, writing letters was my way of getting through High School in one piece. Some girls had sex, some girls did drugs, some girls drank till they threw up, some girls graduated a year early. This girl, she wrote letters. I started collecting stamps around the same time. I learnt how to lift them off the envelops so not to tear them. Drying them so they would curl into little penne shaped thing-a-ma-bobbers. I kept them loose in a box until I had time to put them into albums. One afternoon I was tidying up my room and feeling very ambitious I decided to tackle the box which was starting to overflow. I still remember standing on my tiptoes on top of the no-step step of a ladder. Reaching up to try and grab the open box I remember clearly stopping half way and thinking to myself. "Blanche, you know... you can't reach those without moving the stuff in front of them. You should stop, take your time and move the stuff. If you don't, you're going to dump the whole lot and that's going to be a bitch to clean up." You see, I didn't just risk spilling stamps but the box of stuff in front of the box of stamps was filled with thousands of tiny loose beads. I stopped and thought, weighing my options. Take the time to move the beads in order to ensure that all went well in retrieving the stamps. The down side to that was that would be taking an extra 15 seconds to get them, get off the ladder and then climb back up the ladder. I was 16 at the time... I had things to do and places go. Letters to write and stamps to put in little slots. I didn't have 15 seconds to spare so I chose to go right for it. Grab those stamps and hope the best! Well, sure enough- the whole lot spilt. Hundreds of stamps, thousands of tiny little beads, and me. It took me over an hour to clean up the mess. I couldn't just vacuum up the beads either, I had to get on my hands and knees, picking them out of the fibers in the carpet. I remember cursing myself and saying "Let this be lesson- never to doubt your gut again."

I stuck with that for a while, listening to my intuition. It wasn't until I was 23 and with a new boyfriend did I face a moment like that again. It was late into the night and I remember kneeling on the couch of our condo looking out the window into the back alley. He had just left again to deal something that was going on that night. Everything in my body was telling me to get the hell out of there. To call my mum to pick me up and get out of that situation. It didn't matter that I had just moved my stuff in. It didn't matter that it was the middle of the night. It didn't matter that this wasn't a lifestyle that I wanted. There I was again confronted with my two shiny options- clear as day. To leave or to stay... Everything intelligent in me screamed for me to run. But, I stayed soothing myself with the thought that I was doing the right thing. That I was brave to confront the situation rather than running away. Even though I can say I learnt allot from staying I would admit that might be my only regret in life. I sometimes think I would trade all the wisdom I acquired from those years with him just to have those years back without him. I did finally listen to my head and got out. I swore to myself that I would NEVER doubt my gut again.


Until tonight... I was busy in the kitchen making dinner. I already had my pj's on which I must admit are the rattiest pj's I own. They consist of an old Feist concert T-Shirt that I cut the neck out of. The cotton is so thin I often wear a tank top underneath just to be respectable. My bottoms were a pair of worn out men's undies with a hole in the bum. So comfortable and so not social situation appropriate. The trash was getting full and I thought to myself. "My, that trash sure is full. Maybe I should sneak out into the hallway and throw it away. " but then I stopped myself because I thought "Oh but wait... what if I run into someone on the way to the trash shoot? I should really put something more respectable on... " and there I was, with my two shiny options in front of me. Clear as day... I second guessed my gut and snuck out into the hall way and sure enough everyone and their dog decided to come home right at that moment. I saw people I didn't even know lived on my floor! Saying hello and pretending nothing was wrong (or showing!) I chuckled to myself.

*Just a gentle reminder to trust my gut more often then not...*

Queen Bee

I am the queen of Google- well maybe not the QUEEN but I do Google a lot. My reasons for this are divided into two part ...

• Laziness: I make Google do all the work looking up web pages that I know the address for so I don't have to type them in (more on this mentioned below).
  
  
• Anal Retentiveness: I'd rather take the extra time Googling then messing up the address bar history with misspelled and single use addresses. I get a little anxious when someone comes over to use my computer and they type the address into the bar "improperly". Not putting "www" before the address sends me into a bit of a silent mental fit. Though I'd never address it with the person (That's not fair to anyone, I do realise that I am being neurotic.)- I just smile and let them keep typing "Facebkok,com" promising myself that once they do leave I will clean up the history and make sure everything is back to normal. *snickers* Normal.

My initial intention was to write about a woman's blog that I came across with Google. I found her blog fascinating purely on the fact they were personal glimpses into her day to day life. She comes across as very warm and easy to relate to. I really enjoy that in a person. I was hooked after I read about her encounter with some wasps. Horrifying (to be in her shoes) and fantastic (to be able to read about it in her words- she has a great sense of humour.)!

Click here to see for yourself!

With that being said, I'm not going to write about what I was originally going to write about. I'll save that for another day.