Californequation

There is this thing. It's a part of me (this is a some what serious post by the way)... I don't really know if it's a person or an old relationship or just plain ol' junk in my trunk that rattles around every time I take a sharp corner. Regardless, it's this thing and it just doesn't go away. I wonder if I'm being silly now... second guessing my choices or maybe I've just forgotten why I made the choices I did. Exactly how long does one play Hide and Go Seek for? I've been found- sort of. But I don't want to give up and maybe that's part of the problem is that I'm hiding, waiting to be seeked when really I should just get up out of my hiding spot and go the heck home. I thought that's what I was doing... but the game just followed me. I've told him, I don't want to play anymore. I tried to stand out in the open but he just walks up and tugs on my arm till I can't ignore him anymore. I'm strong, I can turn around and pretend he's not there but I can't ignore the tugs. Not on the inside. I talked to a lady about this once, she told me the whole thing was like a drug and if I kept it in my life it would eventually eat me up. I talked to the police about it and they told me I should be scared, but I'm not. I talked to the phone company and they gave me a deal when I changed my phone number. I talk to my friends and they tell me not to talk at all, not to this thing at least.

It's not working though... I've picked up and move on and I've grown somewhat numb to it. Numb to most of it except for the silliness I feel. I feel silly. I feel immature and silly. This is going come out all wrong but it's be best I can do- if Hank Moody and Karen can function dysfunctional- why can't I? True, I don't have kid and I'm not like Karen however this thing is an awful lot like Hank Moody in more ways then I describe. This thing treats me like Hank treats Karen yet I treat Hank like how Kevin Bacon treated those Tremor things. I know, that doesn't really make sense to you but it makes sense to me. Even though I never ever though I would ever compare myself to Kevin Bacon... never mind, it's not really important.

I wonder if I can turn around and be friends now. Not even friends, just let myself be accessible so then the emotional charge of finding me will be gone and all anxiety will dissolve. I had good reasons at the time for turning my back on everything and it kept being confirmed year after year after year of ignoring him and he just kept on. I'm sick of this story but I can never write an end for it. Like a puzzle that never gets solved, it's exhausting and I throw it away but someone keeps giving it back to me to finish... I just don't know how to finish.

How do I finish this?

Or is it finished like one of those math equations with a repeating number that goes on forever after the decimal point- you know it is the answer but the answer doesn't have really have a satisfying end. It's my Californequation...

ahhh yes, this post is written mostly just for me. Something to empty my mind into... Sorry if it doesn't make any real sense.