The Fear of Not Being

 "Sometimes I dream of a tree, and the tree is my life. One branch is the man I shall marry and the leaves my children. Another branch is my future as a writer and each leaf is a poem. Another branch is a glittering academic career. But as I sit there, trying to choose, the leaves begin to turn brown, and blow away until the tree is absolutely bare." 

Sylvia Plath

You've Got Time

Sometimes I stay up too late playing love songs on the guitar. I can't help it. I play all these sappy songs that I sing to myself in the car. It's delightful  to be able to reproduce them my way through something I have learned over the years. I sometimes imagine that one day, when I get married, I'll be cheesy and play a song for my future husband. There are some songs that I won't play for anyone because I am saving it for that one person who I feel that way for. It's so silly but that's a true confession.

 

And I shouldn't be blogging right now. But I am. And I'm listening to that Regina Spektor song from Orange is the New Black. Which I tried to learn but it felt too angry for me to want to learn. Especially at the after midnight time.

 

 

That's not really a love song but a song about cross roads and things getting in the way.

 

Anyway, I just thought I would come over here and write a little thing. I have been doing scary things  and now that it is October I can so of relish the changes. The bigger ones I'm waiting to complete and that's good. I will hear words on that in a week I think.

 

It came to my understanding that I need to constantly have something to be working on in my life to feel fulfilled. Does that sound exhausting? I like to have the drive of doing things. As much as I love playing the guitar, it's a relaxing hobby and sometimes I can hear the improvement in my playing and that fills me with pride but nothing matches that feeling of being able to play those first 3 chords together that actually sound like a song. Now, even as I work on writing my own stuff... it's just changed for me.

 

I'm just rambling because I feel like writing. I should go to sleep so I can wake up early, go to the gym and then head over to the gem and mineral show. I'm really excited about that... there is this geek in me that digs rocks and stones. First, sleep must come and refresh me.

I write weird things...

 

Good night.

Encouragement

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ― Winston Churchill

Meditation

I have always been told I should meditate. It would calm my mind. It would stop the obsessive thoughts and the worry and the anxiety and my butterfly/hummingbird energy would tone down and I would stop making myself and other uncomfortable with my awkward, high strung tendencies. My energy also finds itself to be creative and passionate but people are usually OK with that kind of stuff.

 

I have gone through stages in which I believe in somethings and not in others. I have always had trouble meditating. If it was guided or a form of art or walking, I could do it. But to sit still in a room and focus on a mantra or my breath, that was hard. But a good exercise none-the-less. For someone with a mind like mine that can run wild with anything it latches on too, being able to bring it back to a more Serene place could be the different between having restful nights sleep and not. I have the energy to survives weeks of not sleeping, that isn't the issues. The issue is just listening to the things my mind comes up with.

 

September seems to be a month for self transformation. I am trying to find what I really want and who I really want. I am trying to find my path and maybe some inner peace while I'm at it. There have been points in my life that I have over flowed with appreciation for beauty in everyday tings. There have been points in my life that people have called me relaxed and peaceful. There have been times when I used to recite chants to maximum vibration in hopes that it would "realign my chakras".

 

Tonight, I thought it was time to revisit these meditation things. Not ones that involved drawing or walking but ones that worked the muscle that allowed me to pull my thoughts back to where they should be. There was that benefit as well as being able to do some deep breathing which always helps and also include some forced relation into my day. None of those things will hurt me at all and if I give myself a small time frame to work towards, I can get a good idea if this might actually benefit me.

 

So I turned on some music with dreamy satire playing with drums, I turned the lights off and lite candles that smelled of spices and things I loved. I gave myself some time (10 minutes) and i sat and focused on the my breath in and out of my nose. It wasn't perfect but it also wasn't as awful as it has been in the past. I did have to move around twice and give a big body itch because everything, all at once decided it needed attention and being itchy was the way to go.

 

In no way did I gain enlightenment however, I do have a particular grounding in my head which I haven't had in a while. It might just be the buzz of following through with something or maybe it was all that breath... or how much I love Indian music.

 

I got up feeling motivated and craving curry, two things that are always welcome. I hope to make 9:00 for the next two weeks my time to meditate and hopefully I will have learned to sit through the whole 10 minutes without having to adjust my legs or itch my whole self. And hopefully I will have learned to control my mind better from it's obsessions. The over thinking about what I should do or want to do and what this person is doing and what would I do if this happened or ... well, you get the point.

Scared Shitless - Cake

This weekend was a shitless, scary weekend for me. Friday I went out, had fun and enjoyed a giant steak (made clean-- no garlic or onions or weird sauce) with potato's and a few glasses of wine. There is this sweet like place just a few blocks from me that is attached to an art gallery. I like to eat there because it's small, not too busy and the food is fantastic. Plus, they have a great wine list to boot! The menu changes seasonally (which is always nice) and is your typical version of Calgary sustainable and organic  style. Prior to this I had gone to historic Inglewood for their night market where a friend of mine from the jewellery days was selling her wares. I bought a ring, got in a hug and some good chats. It was nice.

That day was nice and I had been feeling so good and on top of the world most of the week. I was accountable, and doing motivating and scary things. I felt positive and on the up and up.

Saturday morning, I started to feel uneasy. I had taken a chance and eaten some ketchup (ewww, I know) with some fries the night before. That's a no-no on the FODMAP diet but I figured I was feeling better, I could try it. The next morning showed me different but only a little. I could tell there was a disturbance but I still made it to the gym for 7:00AM and then went grocery shopping and then home, made an "accountable phone call", ate some breakfast and then headed to a play that I was going too with my friend. There I drank wine and enjoy a fantastic production of Kim's Convieance. As soon as it was done, we left... I was maybe a block away and I knew I had an issue on my hands. I needed a washroom right away.

I did what I had to do and knew I could do no more. I jumped in a cab and asked him to drive me home which was 5 blocks away. I spent the night trying to get things back on track and the next day things seemed good. I was able to get to the store for 7:00AM and over to my parents for 8:30AM and then on with my life with hiking and whatnot. Arrived home, headed over to my sisters and then out to dinner. I was strict with my FODMAP's and didn't challenge myself at all. I felt good and by the time the day was over and it was time for cake, I felt as though I could do it all. I thought I could have a slice of cake... and damn if it wasn't all that and more that I had dreamed of since January.

It wasn't until 2:30AM that I start to regret it. I was having a dream about eating spicy and sweet Chinese food with meat and veggies. It was delicious but as most Chinese food does, it turns my tummy a little bit but then as I started to wake up I noticed that I wasn't eating Chinese food while camping, I was laying in bed and I had broken out in a cold sweat and my tummy was starting to hurt something awful. I went to the washroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realised that I was pale, and clammy looking.

a half hour later I felt better but couldn't sleep. Whatever it was (probably the cake) was still in my system and didn't stop letting me know that until around noon.

I went to work for the last part of the day. I felt fine minus the mistrust I have with my body. It was something I had eaten and it wasn't unfit food, it was a reaction. It's scary for me to leave the house after something like that happens. Not being able to trust ones body is the worst thing you can possible experience. What I want to do is stay tucked away in my place until I know it is safe to come out but I didn't today. I did the best I could with my tired eyes, put on a comfortable dress to lessen the discomfort from the bloating and walked out the door, focusing on the warmth on the sun and the autumn coolness of the wind. I tried to keep my mind present enough to see that all I needed to do was get to work in one piece because if I focused on trying to deal with my discomfort for 4 hours, I found it over whelming. "baby steps". I made it, all was good and I made it home. The more I push myself the more I relearn to trust my body. I have always been told I need to be more gentle with myself but there are some things that I know if I let them slip, it won't benefit anyone. This was one of them.

My reward for pushing myself was seeing an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time, I almost missed him walking up the sidewalk because I was so intent on just getting to work. I saw him again when I left work, it's funny how that happens.

Today's scary was: Pushing myself even when I didn't trust my self.

Due to the volatile nature of my digestive track these days, I don't trust it to cause me anyhting but discomfort. It has in the past treated me so well as I ate cinnamon bus with extra frosting and blood pudding and plates of cheese and chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can trust it, just right now that hasn't been the case. I worry about public embarrassment, about inconvenience and about being in an uncomfortable situation. I didn't want this to make me the butt end of someones bad joke or shocking day.

Scary Ranking: 6 out of 10 (and for bonus points for continued work on that accountability project I did a few days ago-- it's still in the works)

Scared Shitless - Accountability

Yesterday I didn't post. I did something scary and at the time I thought to myself "This is perfect!" but things carried on and I went to see The Eagles (oh my goodness, they were amazing!) in concert and everything else was forgotten.

 

Today, I started my day with a slight hangover (a concert mixed with wine will do that to a person) and an overall cheery demeanor. I felt light on my feet and ready to start a new day and so something a little scary. I have had little triumphs of talking to someone I didn't know or acting on an impulse that I normally wouldn't. In the back of my mind though, past all these superficial scaries that I was doing... there was something bigger. Something dark and gray and looming over my life for the last year. I knew exactly what it was and I had done a stellar job of ignoring it. I knew my time was coming soon and I would have to deal with this issue sooner or later. I just had to stop picking later.

 

My fear was rooted in being accountable for something that I created. I normally don't have an issue with that but this, this bothered me. There was a wisp of self worth that was threaded through the situation and that made being accountable hard. I was terrified to address is. I didn't want to feel bad about myself, I didn't want to be responsible for the issue, I just wanted to cover my eyes and let it all go away. I have been through this 2 other times in my life, this time... it was 100% up to me.

 

So I took a breath, stepped up to the plate, and made a phone call and left a message. This call was about being accountable and standing up for my mistakes and taking owner ship of the issue and the errors. I picked up the phone and called another number, this time I got someone and I asked for help. I swallowed my pride and admitted that "I can't do this on my own" and they said "no worries, we have people who can help" and it was just that easy.

 

I felt better. For the first time in years, I sat down and looked at the numbers. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I can do this with or without help. Regardless, this time I will learn because this time I understand. This time feels different. This time, no one is helping me and I am doing this one my own.

 

Ignorance is bliss but Accountability is empowering. There is a time and place for both, and right now... as scary as the idea of it was, I feel stronger for facing it.

 

Today's scary was: Being accountable for my weakness.

It scares me because I didn't want to accept that I had messed up again. I didn't want to disappoint the people who have been proud of me in my life. I didn't want to listen to my mean self talk about being a loser. Note: At first I gave myself a hard time in my head, but now I am proud of myself for addressing it. I could have done it sooner, but at least I am doing it now.

 

Scary Ranking: 8 out of 10 I want to say 10-10 but I think there are other things I could do that would be scarier then this. This was up there though, so I give this scary an 8 because I still got weak in the knees and pits in my tummy.

Just a Typical Day-- Scared Shitless

Today I finished processing the commissions at work. I hate doing them. I joke about going into it with a bad attitude but really, it isn't a joke. It's a bunch of work I don't enjoy and even though it is now getting easier, it's taken a year to get to this point. I sent my BFF a text about how I hate commissions. It went like this (graphic language)
Me: I hate commissions
Her: Stupid Commissions
Me: yeah, stupid Commissions! F*ck you! F*CK YOU COMMISSIONS!
Her: Potty Mouth
Me: send her emoticon of a mouth and then the smiling pile of poop (you know what I mean if you have the emoticon on your phone
Her: Sends me smiling pile of poop and sexy kiss lips
Me: that looks like a shit kiss
Her: hahaha

and with this conversation of great intelligence, we eneded up 30 minutes later with 3 entries in Urban Dictionary and me, laughing out loud on a bench in a park. It was awesome and that's why I love my friend. No one will ever replace her because what 30 something person has a conversation like that for an hour?

I did end up finishing commissions some time in the afternoon (after, of course, finishing a bag of snack sized Smarties-- that's 24 boxes of Smarties) and felt a huge weight come off my shoulders. I had a nice conversation with one of my office mates about spiders and feeling things walk up your body in the dead of night. After work I went to the gym... I kept thinking to myself, "What kind of scary can I do today?"... I couldn't come up with anything that didn't register at a 9 or a 10. I thought that I could mention going to the gym because that always makes me a little nervous when I haven't been for a while. I don't know why, it just does. But I went and all was good, it always is good. I didn't get a chance to sign up for yoga but I'll do that tomorrow. I need to look at the schedule.

I came home, I made an amazing dinner where I use up all the stuff that I think will be going bad in the next day or so. Last night I made this wicked Pesto with a bunch of basil I could see was getting ready to turn on me. I didn't have pine nuts so I tossed in unsalted peanuts and some olive oil. Some fresh lemon juice, parm cheese and blended. With salt. I tossed it on some fresh tomatoes and BBQ chicken I had left over and I had an impressive and delicious lunch.

For dinner tonight I took the left over bacon, green onions, match stick carrots, red peppers, BBQ chicken and zucchini and tossed it in a pan. Threw on some crushed red pepper flakes, chopped up the rest of the fresh pineapple and threw that in there, fried up the one egg hanging out in the fridge and combined it all with rice and some soy sauce. Sounds weird but it was so tasty and I used up almost everything I had hanging around in the fridge. PLUS, I have lunch for tomorrow and it's all FODMAP free.

I played guitar, tidied up, and that's about it. I didn't do anything scary. I panicked a little in my head "Already I am failing at this" and then I realised, talking about the fact that I didn't do anything interesting today and didn't do a daily scary, that's scary to me. To admit mediocrity. I feel good today, I think I had a good day but... I didn't do something scary. So admitting that to you is scary for me (not a cop out excuse, for serious).

Today's scary was: Admitting that I couldn't find a challenge to do today and it's only the second day.

It scares me because I think I often have big ideas and I move on. I am concerned that it is seen as flaky and I don't think I am a flaky person, I just change my mind. I move on to something else. It happens but I do want to stick with this until the end of September at least but I am concerned that it is expected that I won't. It challenges my personal expectations and also, I don't like to disappoint myself or anyone else. I am proud that I am writing though, it's been a long time since I have.

Scary Ranking: 3 out of 10... It's concerning but since I am doing something about it, the scary ranking has lowered

Scared Shitless

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!

Sometimes something happens to me where my life gets small and I get fed-up. It happens a lot, if you have followed my blogging in the past or just know me in real life, it is pretty likely that you have experienced this.

I get mad and flustered and I just want to do all these things but I have no idea how to do them or when and I am scared to do them at all.

it's the truth and it's sad for me and frustrating for people in my life.

I like to achieve things, I am motivated and competitive with myself (only-- I don't care to compete with others... it's not my thing) but I get stuck and scared. And then I get mad and sad. It doesn't help when my tummy acts up.

Well, this has been my life for the last 6 months and more so for the last year. I want it all and I think I am getting closer and further away from everything.

My tummy started acting up again in Feb and it has been a constant battle trying to reclaim some control over it. What doesn't help is a new type of anxiety kicked in and though it is different then what I went through a few years ago, it has some familiar strings.

Thankfully, I haven't lost very much weight at all and I have been firm with myself to ensure that I remain healthy. I have tired a special diet that has worked fairly well. It has thrown a huge fork into the spokes of the wheel of my life (food) but I am learning new passions (such as reclaiming my joy for cooking).

I am aware that there is a lack of people who challenge me in my life and so I have to find this in myself and that is hard. I am not sure if I want to change this, switch out support and comfort for challenge and change. I do know that I want different things then what I have now and so that is the driving force behind whatever it is that I do. I am struggling to remain positive about it and that is a difficult thing for me to admit. i am the queen of positivity and optimism but, recently.. I haven't felt that innocent, child-like flame in me.

Maybe it's my job, as it sucks the life out of me (I am not being dramatic, I have learnt so much including things that I do not want in my next job that I currently looking for).  Maybe it's my relationships and friendships.

There are a lot of maybes but the one thing that I know I do need to do  is, employ that whole "do one things that scares you a day". I don't... or at least I am a little easy on myself. If I am the only person in my life who challenges me, then I have better start being a little tougher. I'll never get anywhere if i don't. Or at least that is what I am thinking right now.

This all pops up because I just completed an extensive exam of what my skill are and what I should be doing with my life career wise. It was all over the map, and my education is a jar or potpourri. In this day and age, you can't even get a receptionist position without having a Ph.D (or so it seems) unless you know someone. Free work is something that I have been working on, to gain skills and connections but that is a slow process in it's own. I don't have all day, I want change now. This exam I took basically told me that I either should be an aviation repair person (or watch maker, which I have already done) or a house wife with hobbies. Well DAMN. That's just not going to work... even though it would be fun to work on airplanes all day long. I like to do things for people and I also like to fix things. I am good at that kind of stuff.

I know that having mini goals will make me feel better, I will feel satisfied because I will think that I am working towards something even though I have no idea what that really is. I also want to hold myself accountable and I would like you (who ever is reading this- shout out too Mr. Spambot) to help. I know my recent history with this blog hasn't shown much worth to my word and I might just post this and wait another 6 months to post again. The intention is there and if I can do it until the end of September, then that will at least be something.

What I am saying is:
I want to post everyday (lets be fair, 5 days out of 7- like any other job) about something that I did that scared me. And I did it. It's not for you to judge me on because what I find scary you might find rather simple and easy. I will rate the scary on a scale of 1-10. 1 being something small like, I have no idea... registering for yoga. I have done it before, I like it but it always worries me because I think everyone is going to hate me (what the heck do I tell myself in my head! That needs to stop..) so that means 10 is something like quitting my job or booking a solo trip or doing something terrifying that I need a shot of Wild Turkey just to get myself into it.

So that's the plan!

Today's scary was: Driving to the doctor and not looking at the map and totally getting lost and being OK with that. Or relatively OK with it.

This was scary because I don't like to drive when the roads are busy, I also like to look at my GPS and get my route planned out before I leave. I left and thought about looking at GPS after and then I realised that I really didn't know how to get from Point A to Point B and for this reason, I caught all the green lights and just had to go with it. No one honked and waving makes a huge difference when you cut people off or don't know which lane you need to be in. I survived. It had to be done and I would like to think less and do more.

Scary Ranking 5 out of 10 (I felt shaky when I got to the doctors but that also could have been from not eating lunch).

The End!

Love Until it Hurts

In other news, I just read this article about 11 Slightly Scary Ways to Become a Better You. I think I am a little inspired, aren't you?

Which do you find to be the toughest of those choices?

The improve thing is something I have been considering for a while. It would be a huge challenge for me and though I don't mind being a fool in front of people, the idea of it terrifies me.

Loving until it hurts. I never really thought about it but the authors definition makes sense to me. I don't love until it hurts though because it's difficult to deal with. It would be a good thing to try, I think.

The rest are mostly just great ideas. I consult people of many ages and I try to learn from every person I establish a relationship with. I talk to people who I admire and find out how they got where they are. I say no and I say yes and learning the balance between the two and doing what's right for myself was difficult to figure out.

I have enjoyed silence-- both mine and my environments.

31 Questions that Will Change Your Life:

 

 

 

So I read this post and decided that I might want to try and answer these questions:

  

Are you doing what you truly want to do?

 No sir, I am not. But I'm getting there... I am doing what I want with my after hours time but during hours, I want to be doing something ... *more*, I just haven't found what that is yet.

 

Do you have a dream to follow?

I suppose I do, I have think have more then one dream though.

 

Are you proud of what you’re doing or what you’ve done?

Yes, I think I am. I am getting the little things done in my life that I want to get done. I am moving very slowly though.

 

How many promises you have made and how many of them you have fulfilled?

Promises to myself? I have made tons, too many to count. I'm amazing at keeping promises to other people and usually that trickles over into my life as well.

 

What’s the one thing you really want to do but have never done so, and why?

Solo travel to some place exotic and wrong. I'm scared though... of getting into trouble and also a little scared of the unknown.

 

Have you ever failed anyone who you loved or loved you?

Only once, I lied to someone I loved and never admitted it. It was over a decade ago and I learnt from that point forward not to do things I had to lie about and also, not to lie about them.

 

Will you take a shot if the chance of failure and success is 50-50?

Depending on what it is, usually yes. If my gut feels more excited then terrified.

 

 

If you could travel to the past in a time machine, what advice would you give to the 6-year-old you?

School. I know it doesn't work for you, but it's just the system not you. Ask questions, talk to your parents and teachers about not being happy and see if you can find a way to get on the right track with education. Realising this 26 years later is more difficult-- possible but difficult. Also, stay away from credit cards. That was a waste of time and money.

 

 

Will you break the rules because of something/someone you care about?

depending on the rule, I will. When I care about someone or something I will try almost anything as long as breaking the rules doesn't hurt someone else intentionally.

 

 

Have you ever abandoned a creative idea that you believed because others thought you were a fool?

Of course, but in the back of my head I keep it there and rework it in a way that might fit better. There are a lot of times though that I don't care and just do however, when things get risky I will listen to others.

 

What would you prefer? Stable but boring works or interesting works with lots of workload?

Interesting with lots of workload. I am OK with the idea of my life being my work, I just want it to be meaningful and passionate.

 

Are you afraid of making mistakes even though there’s no punishments at all?

I was but I'm learning to worry about that less.

 

If you would clone yourself, which of your characteristics you wouldn’t want to be cloned?

My anxiety and OCD. It's a little over the top at times and can get in my way at times of high pressure. It does have benefit however, I would prefer that I had less restraints mentally that manifest in worry. I'm working on that on my own though.

 

What’s the difference between you and most of the other people?

I don't know if there is a difference. I don't specifically feel that unique compared to others. I have met a lot of people who are similar to me in some respect.

 

Are you making some influences on the world or constantly being influenced by the world?

I am not sure either way. I'm going to have to think about this one. I don't find that I am necessarily influenced by the world however, I don't know if I am making influences on the world. Maybe people, I always try to encourage others to do the things that I think they are scared to do themselves. That's a huge thing for me and I appreciate having people who cheer me on so I try and be that same support system to others. I want people to live their life as full as they can, if they invite me into their lives, I want to contribute that. Does that even make sense in the context of the question?

 

The thing you cried for last time, does it matter to you now or will it matter to you 5 years later?

I actually almost cried thinking about supporting people and being supported myself. I can't remember the time I cried last. It's been a looooong time, I think. I cried over the floods that happened in Calgary but those were happy tears from seeing how the city collectively got together to help things out. I don't go out of my way to look at things that cause me to be upset (like abused animals or mistreated humans). I can't really remembered the last time I cried.

 

Is there anything you can’t let go of but you know you should?

I'm pretty good at letting go when the time is right so I think right now, there isn't any resentment or hurt I am holding onto. I have dreams but I don't want to let those go yet.

 

Do you remember anyone you hated 10 years ago? Does it matter now?

The last person I had any feelings of distaste for was a chef I dated briefly last year. He wasn't a very nice man and after some negative confrontation I kicked him out of my life and moved on. I held some hurt and resentment over some of the actions he had taken but after a little time, some talking with close friends and some well placed dreams, I have gotten over it. The dreams were fantastic because I had they were positive and filled with the kindest emotions. Each time I woke up from one of these dreams I felt better and better until after the 3rd dream, I was over it and felt released from the issues. It was interesting how my dreams helped me clean my head and heart up.

 

Which makes you happier, to forgive someone or to hate someone forever?

To forgive, obviously. I love people, it's much nicer to keep loving them.

 

What are you worrying about and what’s the difference if you stop worrying about it?

What am I not worrying about might be a better questions... I worry about getting older and wasting my life but that motivates me to keep challenging myself. I worry about never finding that perfect love but I have hope that it will happen at some point. I worry about my parents passing and what that will be like on the surviving parent and then the family, I would like to release that worry but again it has made me so aware of spending as much time with them as often as I can.

 

If you’d die now, would you have any regrets?

I would like to say no and usually that is what the answer would be but I'm in a place of transition. There are a lot of things I am working on adjusting and I'm not done with it. But if I must die now then I have no choice.

 

Which one would you prefer, having a luxurious trip alone or having a picnic with people you love?

Picnic with people I love.

 

Who do you admire and why?

I admire everyday people for their intelligence-- well read individuals who have rich minds. That is what I admire. I admire people who are creative and fearless, who are good intentions and big hearts.

 

Is there anyone who inspired you and made you who you are today?

Everyone who I have met and been with has inspired me and made me who I am. I sometimes think that I am a collection of the people I have met and not me at all.

 

What’s the thing you’re most satisfied with?

myself and my time away from work.

 

When was the last time you laughed and what did you laugh at?

I laughed last night and I don't really remember what. I was with an ex who has become a close friend and we've always been fantastic friends.

 

Are you doing anything which makes you and people around you happy?

Making music, making food, being a presence in life. I think these things make everyone happy.

 

Is there anyone who you love or loves you?

Romantic love is difficult to find but life love for friends and family is plentiful.

 

When was the last time you really talked with your parents/family?

Just this morning.

 

If happiness is a currency, how rich do you think you are?

I think I might be pretty comfortable if happiness was a currency. I am relatively content with things over all. I appreciate what I have.

 

If today’d be the end of the world, what’d you do?

Have one of those cinnamon buns from the mall, make-out with a few people, drink all my wine and be with the ones I love as it ended.

 

Things that Need to Stop

 

 

 

I just read this post and thought it had a pretty good outline on what needs to be done or not done to feel that feeling we are all looking for. A lot of it rings true to me so I wanted to post it over here for easy reflection.

 

Two little words of inspiration that I always keep in my mind are:

 

Do more of what you love

and

Don't think, just do. I tend to over think everything I want to do and never trust this here gut of mine. That needs to stop a little more so it doesn't stop me as much.

 

What would you add?

The Floods

On June 20th 2013, Calgary flooded. First thing in the morning I heard news that a small town west of Calgary had suffered great damage at the cost of The Bow river. A combination of spring runoff (snow melting in the mountains) and above average rain for the month of June, things were over flowing and out of control. Emergency alerts were popping up everywhere, there began concern that floods could occur in my beloved city.

 

I thought back to a time that didn't seem that long ago. 2005, when I watched from Strathcona Ridge as the Elbow River creeped over it's berm onto the road beside it. A downtown park called Prince's Island was submerged in water up to the tops of the picnic tables. There was damage but it was small. it was just on the cuff of everyday social media. I was posting pictures and writing blogs on MySpace at the time and I don't think Facebook even existed yet.

 

That felt like the worst this city could handle. I was wrong.

 

At 3:00 PM two Thursday's ago, the neighbourhood beside me was put under mandatory evacuation as was the neighbourhood two of my close friends lived in. I thought it was dramatic and unnecessary but also safe. "Better safe then sorry" I thought to myself as my friend updated that she had arrived on higher ground with her family. I left work at a normal time, the clouds had parted and the sun was strong on my skin through the humid air. I walked down 5th street to where I lived. Things felt different, there was an increase in police cars, a sign had been placed at the busy intersection of 17th ave and 5th street SW and I saw about 12 trucks filled with dirt and gravel drive past me in a frantic kind of way. It still didn't make sense to me. The rain had stopped, the streets that were challenging the storm sewers during my morning walk to work had dried up. I didn't really understand the panic yet.

 

I dropped my things off at my condo, I live on the second floor about 10 blocks away from the river. I walked closer to the area that the sign had said was closed off, I wanted to get a better idea of what all the concern was about. My sister who lived in the area had already been evacuated and was at my parents place. A police officer had walked around her complex, knocking on doors and telling people to leave. If the choose to stay, they had to sign a waiver saying so. I figured that if I wasn't supposed to be there, someone would stop me. Someone would tell me I was dumb and that I needed to leave. No one did, as I got closer to the river, more gravel trucks passed and I saw a digging machine making a giant dirt pile about 12 feet tall. Later I learned that the dirt pile was called a berm.

 

I didn't want to get too close to things, I stood about a block and half away from where the crews were working. There were so many people and so many things set up, I turned around and walked up 4th street (the business portion of the area I live in). I saw sandbags lining door frames and people waiting for city buses with a duffel bad and their pets in hand. All while the hot sun beamed down and the clouds kept moving east.

 

When do I start panicking? Do I start panic? I have a tendency to worry about things that don't really need to be worried about. Things looked OK and I had never in my life ever experienced anything that traumatic-- at least never at the hands of mother nature. I live in Canada, in Calgary. It's like a wonderful little bubble protects us from so many problems that effect other parts of the world.

 

I come home and my Internet if down. I use my iPhone to look up evacuations maps and call my parents. I message my friend who lives across the street and he says "the water won't come all the way up here", I felt so silly. I paced the floor and looked out the window. and paced and checked my phone and called my parents and looked out the window. Normal things were happening, people were heading to musical events and to the pub. The girls who lives across the way with the golden retriever was taking him for a walk. No one seemed worried, but still something didn't feel right. I turned off my lights and lite candles, isn't that what people do in these kinds of situations? My phone rang and it was my best friend "Pony, are you still at home?" I can't remember why she calls me Pony but it's my nick name. "Yes, where are you? are you guys OK?" She tells me that they are OK and that I need to leave. "But I haven't been evacuated-- as if the water is going to come all the way over here." she passed the phone to her partner who said "B, you have to leave. It's not about the water. if anything, they are going to turn off your services-- your power, your gas and your sewage. The roads around you are closing, you might get stuck. Just go to your mum's, you can always come back in the morning." She sounded so serious. It all seemed unnecessary but, my adrenaline was high and I doubt I would sleep anyway.

 

It's better to be safe then sorry.

 

I told her I would call when I got to my parents and hung up the phone. I grabbed my phone charger, an extra pair of undies and some socks. I looked around and said to myself "I'll be back in the morning" and basically left with that. I thought about taking my jewelery and maybe my passport but reminded myself I'd be back in the morning. My exact list of things I brought with me when I evacuated was:

phone charger

hair brush

tooth brush and tooth paste

face wash

an elastic for my hair

1 pair of socks

1 extra pair of under ware

bacon and cheese from my fridge (for breakfast the next day)

and a bottle of wine 

I grabbed my purse and my gym bag (never know when you might need yoga pants) and left. I made sure that my patio door was locked for once and that my computer was off. And that was that.

 

I got in the car and drove to my parents place. The streets were filling up with water and bad drivers. People were lined up along the quickly rising river and I felt so annoyed with them. And then I felt annoyed with myself. Why on earth was I evacuating? I didn't need too.

 

I arrived at my parents place and my mum was still up, she was watching TV with my sister and I sat at the kitchen table and drank some wine. I poured over my twitter as more info came in. Some people were partying like it was a fake end of the world, others were reporting the rate in which the river was slowly swallowing up my favorite parts of my city. Everyone went to bed but I stayed up until 3:30 am seeing pictures of rising waters. Our cities mayor returned from Toronto that night and toured the areas with my area's alderman, the last picture I saw was one of the two of them on top of the Glenmore dam, our mayors face was filled with worry. Eventually I fell asleep.

 

I woke up a few hours later and reached my hand under my pillow for my phone. I opened up my twitter and right away my feed was filled with pictures. The morning sun had just come up and my streets were filled with water, waist heights in some areas. It was 5:30 am and the sky was a never ending gray cloud. I went downstairs and my parents were up, I told them to turn on the TV and everything was live. The city was flooding. My dad who thought he was going to work and I who thought I'd be returning home in the afternoon, knew that wasn't going to happen. Safe in suburbia, we watched for hours as it kept raining and the city kept floods and both rivers just weren't cresting. I had images in my mind of people standing on the roofs of their houses as they had to be evacuated. We all thought the worst, I checked in with my other evacuated friends and they were sad and scared and I told them that no mater what, I would help them get through whatever it was that was waiting for them at home. It was little reassurance to them because none of us really knew what would be waiting.

 

Some of my friends went against orders to stay home and safe, they breached "red zoned" areas and checked on their house. They helped over people who weren't as stubborn save the things they didn't think they had to move. This went on for a few days. Most of us weren't allowed to leave our houses, we were in a state of emergency.

 

As all things do though, it came to an end. The rivers crested, the sun came back out and the flood waters started to recede. Still, most of us were not allowed to go near our places. The city was vibrating with energy to fix this mess, from the start people wanted to help. They were creating groups and joining forces to start helping the city get back on it's feet.

 

Our Mayor was so excellent during this time, he briefed us constantly on the state of things. He was honest and strong and had our backs. We knew that what he said was to be followed and he knew that we weren't dumb. As communities were cleared to be safe to return, rather then waiting on officials to evaluate situations, he allowed citizen to do the work. Setting out a guideline of what to look for and what to do, he let over 70,000 people return to their homes to do self assessments on the damage. He got areas back to work, he made sure that roads were repaired in a day. He ensured that as many peoples lives could return back to normal as possible.

 

I was allowed to return home a week after evacuating. My place was fine once the power was restored and the only damage I had was a bunch of moldy food in my fridge. We were given assistance to cover expenses, which I used to restock my fridge and I donated the rest to someone who needed it more then me. My life is back to normal. I don't feel normal though. I spent a week in constant anxiety and concern for the city and people I love. My heart made a happy home in my throat as I watched people join together to create strength and rebuild communities. Everyone and every thing was working so hard to put things back to normal, a new normal and I could see the effort.  I felt different, inspired and recharged.

 

Buildings were damaged, there were issues. Things are indeed different and some might not be for the better for now. My city has been in an official "state of emergency" for almost 2 weeks but that is ending tomorrow. I'm stiff from doing dirty jobs, from volunteering my self to those I don't know to help them get back on their feet and I'll keep doing it.

 

This city, who is rich with new money and lack of morals forgot their materialistic ways and got dirty for each other.  My faith for people was renewed, and the officials and the government and the police and my neighbours and everyone. When I finally got home to a clean, dry house I cried on my couch for about an hour. My adenine was down and I cried for the people who were so kind and the struggles that others were still going through. I cried because I knew in the end, we should all actually be OK.

 

Of course, this is my perception of what happened which is different from many others. There are people who lost a lot of things and have challenges ahead of them. Rebuilding, redoing. They aren't alone though and though for some it may feel like things are back to normal, it's actually a new normal. I will keep volunteering until I am no longer useful and will try my hardest to put this city back better then where I left it on June 20th  2013.

 

 

 

For pictures, see slide show here

ON EDIT: There is so much more to write about, but I just can't. Not all in one post. I tried too and I know it's long and boring. I might talk about it more or I might not. All I can say is I have never been more moved and touched by an experience. As traumatic as it was to how uplifting it was, it changed me in a way that I can only say as better. My city does need time to rebuild, close $500,000,000.00 of damage has occurred (rough estimate, too soon to tell) but none of that damage was human death. It's nothing to make light of and at a fault of my own ignorance (I don't want to diminish what others have done though because it possible has been the worst thing in their life), it could have been so much worse. Everything worked like a well oiled machine and in my eyes, the greatest disaster is losing life. The people haven't lost life and nor has this city. Thanks for reading as I continue to processes the experiences.

Punk Rock Tuesday

I'm sitting at The Ship waiting for Punk Rock Bingo. I have leggings on and a weird jersey shirt I bought in Montreal 10 years ago. I'm wearing it because it covers my butt because the leggings leave nothing to the imagination and should be exclusively for the gym. I have gym hair from my sweaty weight training session after work and yesterday a bird pooped on my head. Today was a no wash hair day. I look questionable and the guy sitting in the corner with the " I love hamburgers" t-shirt is trying to get my attention. It's Tuesday and I'm at the pub drinking alone, writing a blog post and waiting for my ex (who is really more of an awesome friend even after a 4 year relationship that ended a little messy for him).

I'm looking at the prizes as they are put up. I want the storm trooper helmet. This is like the adult version of Kid Street. Maybe I want the mini piano instead.

Food's here, I better eat.

What Would You Do?

So, what would you do if your found this:

a bottle, with a note and two $50.00 bills in it.

 

 

 

You open the note and it reads:

 

 

and then you unfold more, it reads this:

 

What would you do with the  money?

 

 

Please leave comments below

Me and My Low FODMAP Diet

History:
I have tummy issues. They have come and gone most of my double number life. My body just all of the sudden gives out on me. One day, things are beautiful and fine and I can eat like a wild animal and then the next day, it seems that even the simplest things will not stay in me for longer then 15 minutes. I have found ways to improve it but sadly (for me) it always comes back. I have been to the doctor most of my adult life with this. The first time, I was diagnosed with IBS by my family doctor and told to eat a diet rich in fiber, fruit and veggies. I did and it made me so sick, it almost made matters worse. It came and went for a while along with other things and then 2 years ago it got really bad and I dropped down to 78 lbs (I was usually 95 lbs at that time). I went to the hospital and saw some specialists and again, I was diagnosed with IBS. They told me to eat a diet rich in fiber and veggies but what I realised was a diet rich in white bread, processed cheese and meat made me feel best. I learned that rich food and processed food didn't bother my tummy and I finally was comfortable with my tummy and knew how to handle it. Then, one day I had some mango (or maybe it was the scone) and my tummy once again gave out on me. Nothing would help it. The things that I could eat the week before all of the sudden upset things immensely. I started to panic. I didn't want to lose weight. I have finally broken 100lbs, I go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week and do yoga, cardo and a lot of weight training. my body is the strongest it has ever been and the idea of losing that scared me. I started to panic.

My tummy issues triggered my OCD and the OCD started triggering other things and all that made my tummy worse and so on and so forth.

I felt like I was at the end of my rope. To me, it seemed like I had been down this road once before. I thought I had exhausted every option the last time. I thought I had fixed it all. Apparently not... nothing worked. I was going from bathroom to bathroom when out in public, trying hard to juggle my social life and my tummy. I was drinking Pepto every other day to try and give myself some kind of control. Everything except bagels and milk were upsetting my tummy (oh, and of course wine was fine as well), my life was feeling small and I had no idea what to do.

Currently:
Last weekend I ate some food that upset my tummy and I spent a lot of time on Monday in the ladies room at work. I figured it might be time I go on a diet for long term tummy issues. I had written about the BRAT diet a few years ago and it was helping me a little then just to normalise things. BRAT stands for Banana, Rice, Applesauce, Toast (not very nourishing for the ol' body if you ask me). I then remembered what I had dismissed most of my life, the IBS. I Googled "IBS Diet" and found something called the Low FODMAP Diet. It fit for me and so I started to research how to make this happen in my life. I know enough about nutrition and my body to follow something like this correctly and to be honest, anything is better then milk and plan bagels.

I talked to people, I did some reading and on Saturday I started (Friday, I again spent most of the day going back and forth to the washroom). It was amazing how I just all of the sudden was fine. Things were working normally and I felt like for the first time in a few month I was eating normally again. This part of the diet is only 6-8 weeks long, it's the elimination part of the diet and maybe the most challenging. By the end of the 6-8 weeks I will be able to start introducing my favorite foods again. That will be a test period to see, what do I have issues with and what do I not. The first category I will add will be lactose. I doubt I have an issue with it because I have been consuming it without any connection to issues my whole life. I want to make sure though, so I am making sure to follow the rules perfectly.

I enjoy Tweeting about it once a day as well, I see this as a great food adventure for me. Going into it I wasn't sure I could do it but having stuck with it for 3 days I realise that it just takes some thought and planning. It's not REALLY that limiting. I have enjoyed cooking (so far) for myself. I am curious to eat and enjoying not having issues. Tonight I made these quinoa cheese bacon tomato things. I had to leave somethings out of it but I make up for it in other areas. They are so good and perfect for an easy, lazy breakfast in the morning.

So this has been my Low FODMAP diet this far. It's been good and I am pleased 4 days into it how good I feel. I stopped trusting my body which is the worst thing because it's like not trusting a loved one. I didn't trust the diet going into it but after 4 days, I am learning to and even better-- I am learning to trust my body again.

It's nice to be back on the same side old friend.

Neil

I love looking at these old photo's of these old legends.

Mr. D and His Birthday

I'm doing the last thing I should be doing right now. It's a friend of mines birthday today, thanks to Facebook for telling me. He's one person I often wonder about; wonder if he's happy. I understand that it's not my responsibility to make everyone happy in life but I still think I have some ability to make things better.

 

I like company and I like people. But I also need my space. I tend to project my own fears on others and imagine that this might be what they are going through-- that could be or it more than likely may not be.

 

 

He posted a status update about an hour ago that he was heading out for a birthday drink tonight and wondered if anyone wanted to join him. I wanted to join him. I haven't sat and talked with him in years, if ever. I say hi to him when I run into him at art openings and garden shows. Always quick encounters along the journey pathway.

There are some people who post things about needing someone to go with them for this or that and I never have the desire to go. This is different. I want to do this but I look at the time and I know I have to drive to where he is. I know that I can't drink at all and drive home regardless of mental state (there's a zero tolerance for my drivers licence category for the first two years-- the two years is over this July) and my mind and judgment says don't.

 

and I think that this judgement is wrong. I look at the time again and my judgment kicks in. *sigh

 

So I make an agreement with myself to make an effort to ask him to go for a glass of wine sometimes soon and that sooths my guilt a bit. If guilt is even the right word.

 

I want to make change in my life (I always want to generate change) and I feel very strongly about people. Those two things promote wanting to volunteer more and talk to people I don't normally talk to and that movie Sliding Doors flashes in my mind. I imagine my other self driving to the north part of the city to see him and I imagine that only good things will happen from it. Yet, I still sit here. Writing a blog post about the things I want to do and making a situation not about me, about me even though my intention is just to surprise a friend I am fond of.

 

and so I reconfirm that agreement I made with myself to make the effort to go for a glass of wine with him on a different day and in my typical awkward way, I'll tell him too much about the reason why. That's OK though, most people don't mind the honesty.

 

"Hi Mr. D, I saw your status on your birthday about meeting for a glass of wine and I wasn't able to make it then but how about now? I can meet you at DeVille by your place" then I'll just walk home from there. It's almost summer and the days are getting longer. And we'll have a conversation and I will learn more about him because that would be nice.

 

 

(while I was writing this, a song arrived in my head and though I couldn't find a link for it you could look it up: Kathryn Calder --  Low  it's pretty and sweet and a little sad)

Candy Dish

I have a candy dish on my desk. It's filled with candy (fancy that!) and the original intention was to make it inviting for people to come into my lair office and be my friend. Well, I have learnt a few things...

Covered Candy Dishes are Lame:
Mine is a stuffy Waterford Candy dish which is special because I find fussy cut crystal to be special. I got it from my years of working in high end jewelery and gift ware. We used to get stuff for free all the time. Also, the candies still get stale. *sad face

No One Likes Salt Water Taffy Except for Me:
Truth! I love the stuff and I ate so much of it that it gave me a headache (over use of jaw muscles-- TMJ) and I thought it was from the weather and the florescent lights but really it was from eating too much candy.

No One Likes the New Girl:
It's true, people are often not too keen on the new person and the people in my group are like the cool kids in high school (I don't fit in and I don't care but sometimes I make it weird and I don't mean too) and so it's been hard. Plus I came from a smaller office that I had been at for 5 years so, I had family. I have friends at my new job that aren't just the food vendors in the food court but they aren't really in my department.

Location! Location! Location!:
My office is in some side hallway in some weird area of the floor with a one other person and then a bunch of empty offices. I am hallways and a kitchen away from my group and so it makes it hard. I could have naked girls and champagne and people wouldn't have the foggiest idea I was here until the naked girls left as well.

So yes, that was the intention behind the candy dish. I've had candy in it for about a month and a half. I have stopped eating it myself so I won't get headaches anymore (I can't stop at one) and since I hardly have visitor, you would think it would stay the same.

It's not.

Candy is missing.

So either people are coming into my office when I'm not here and eating it because it's awesome and they don't want anything to do with me (not true, they love me... they just don't know it yet).

OR

The cleaning staff is eating it.

In that case, they can eat it all and get a headache and then I'll replace it with chocolate and HIDE it because I don't need to pay people in candy to be my friend.

The END! Byeeee!

How To Write a Blog Post

I think I have forgotten how to write... I haven't blogged in so long and I think I have forgotten how to do it.

Test. Test-test. *ahem

Step One: Pick Something to Write About
Ummm... I can't think of what to write about. I used to just spill my guts out in here and write pretty little things about this or that and the flow of word to finger tip was never tapped out. I'm out of practice. I guess I am writing about that.

Step Two: Write About It
Damn it, I thought I already did! Sadly, it doesn't seem that I can outsmart myself in this thing.

Step Three: Spell Check and Proof Read What You Have Written
I usually skip this or at least let Blogger just check my spelling (half the time it doesn't work for whatever reason-- seriously).

Step Four: Find a Picture that Reflects What You Have Written

Perfect!


Step Five: Preview
I do this to make sure my pictures are the proper size and sometimes I find it easier to proof read in the preview format. Don't ask, just go with it! OH WAIT-- also, this might be the place you want to add your labels. This is where I decided to add my labels today. I choose NONE!

Step Six: POST IT!
Byeeeeee!

Step Seven: Edit Again
Becasue you didn't actually follow Step Five
Damn it.

Bringing Blogging Back

 

 

 

That's right, I'm bringing it back for the umpteenth time. The sad truth is this might be a fickle attempt but no one really notices. I'm pretty sure the only people who read my thoughts these days are spam-bots and ex-boyfriends. I am grateful to the ex's because they are real people that actually distantly curious about me.

 

It's January, my birthday has passed... am I getting old enough now not to care? I still know my age but yesterday I wasn't sure what year it was. I was ahead of myself thinking it was 2014. I haven't made my yearly goals yet. I have a new job (that's a major reason why I haven't been writing, I have actually been working) doing something I love for a company that is fresh, progressive and exciting (though I might still be in the honeymoon stage). I have a decent grasp on my life as well, or perhaps I am choosing what battles to fight and which ones to worry about. And maybe, I have a grasp on boys. Maybe. Really, right now... I don't really care about boys (shocker!). I think that almost all of my relationships are healthy ones-- that's a lovely feeling.

 

I think the biggest thing is now, I want to travel. My new company is more flexible with time and I have lots of holiday time. This year should be the year that I shock myself and do something amazing. I have the ability, I'm just scared. I need someone else to commit to something for me and then I'll be down. It's making that choice though, so difficult.

 

I want to do some crafts-- a little creating. Find a new passion perhaps, and keep working on the ones I have.

 

Things have been good, even in the last 6 months of chaos and uncertainty. I dealt with losing my job like a champ. I was without work for a total of almost 3 weeks. I have nothing to complain about and though that feels fantastic in my head, heart and body... it makes for awful writing. I am motivated by the fireworks and angst to write and pour my soul out. No one wants to read peppy meanderings of joy. Mind you, since when have I ever written this for other people. Mostly, I write this for me. This blog has changed face so much in the years it has been around. I guess a little like me, it's always been the same but it's just evolved.

 

I'm hungry, I should find something to put in my mouth hole.

 

PS: the title has nothing to do with another blog "I'm Bringing Blogging Back"