Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Being Human: Part II


being not perfect is often perfect.

last year in August I wrote a little post about being human. I was reminded of it on Monday when I was sitting having "late night" soup with JP and we were talking about stuff. We danced a bit around the subject of perfectionism (which is something I have been working on not having for the last few years) and how it effects out lives. Some people embrace it and try their hardest to show the world how good they are and others (like myself) retract from it, scared to even try for fear that I won't even live up to my own expectations.

That hasn't been my life story for a while, I left that when I left school and learned how to get messy in life.. but every once in a while I see it and I am reminded that it is a part of my default belief system. Like when I am learning to play guitar, it's bad... awkward and just not pleasant to the ears as my chords hiss against the action and my fingers ache to press even harder. Without witnesses I am free to be ugly and unattractive and bad at what I am learning but as soon as I know there is an ear tuned in on me I freeze-up and stop.

When I was taking dance classes in the summer (and maybe that was the motivation behind that post along with some work I was doing with a woman) I remember letting go and being bad at what I was learning. I was pretty sure I was the worst person in the class.. all awkward arms and legs jutting out at all the wrong times (I don't follow direction very well, I'm better at moving to the beat of my own drum- in case you haven't noticed already) but I was also pretty sure I was the one person who was having the most fun in the class. I was bad and I was celebrating my badness as I moved across the room in a solo performance; too jazz for funk.

In my job, I have been given the task of numbers. I am not a numbers girl... sure, I can make them grown and do things for me. I know how to manipulate them but to account for them in a precise matter- not my slice of cake. I can sooth the irate people, I can comfort the soul of the surviving dependants, I can create a bond of trust and tell people what they need to do to get the best results... but I can not make all the numbers make sense. I'm bad at it but I have to do it and I am making more errors then I have ever made in a job. My instinct is to leave it and pretend that it doesn't exist but that is not the responsible thing to do. Or the smart thing to do, I'll have to do it eventually. So, I've been messy with my boss. And stupid and just totally unaware of anything. We have had to start with the basics- which she laughed at when I looked at her puzzled when she said "It's just like balancing your cheque book Blanche".  "I just look online to see how much money I have." I replied ignorantly...

What I've noticed though, in her assistance in trying to get me to understand this new part of my job, we have become closer. We have developed a relationship which was something we never had before. I guess what I am saying is once again, I am made aware that being imperfect in things, even pertaining to my job, is okay. Mistakes happen, they can always be fixed and getting upset (raking myself over the red hot coals while beating myself up with a board with a rusty nail sticking out of it) over it doesn't do any good. And people like people who are human... who aren't perfect and can be a little messy.

Anyway, that's the thought of the moment. I'm sure I've written something similar before but I don't care. It's time for me to get some breakfast and get started with my day. I have reconciliations to do...


by the way, that mussy messy bun pic can be found here

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